How to cope in a marriage with an emotionally challenged husband

Hi dear ladies

I’m struggling so much with my marriage and how we can improve our relationship.
My husband and I tick the boxes on both being high functioning autistic adults with our middle school aged kids diagnosed with ADHD and autism spectrum disorder over the past few years.
I work closely with the therapists and have been attending all sessions since 2016 when my eldest (3 yo daughter at the time) was diagnosed.
It has been hard work being a parent, and a parent of kids with primarily regulation and social challenges including impulsivity, increasing anxieties and misinterpretation of their surroundings and people.
Advocating for them is quite hard work with many not understanding the “invisible disabilities” when they appear ok on the surface.
It’s different in the privacy of our own space and home and can be incredibly stressful.
We don’t have the funds for my husband and I to pursue a diagnosis but all the work with the kids we definitely tick the boxes.
My husband sees himself as “aspergers” and is accepting but doesn’t consider most of his past adaptations before we met and throughout our 20 years of marriage (avoidance of certain places and people where it suits him) needs to change.

He’s 50 and raised old school with discipline towards “unacceptable” behaviour - which I lived also. However I have learnt so much more about the peaceful parenting approach which incorporates how we speak to others and when one is upset to approach with the effort to understand and interpret what the behaviours are actually telling (something deeper).

I can vouch for this being quite consistent and beneficial when I am well regulated and supported myself, however he and I butt heads so much. A great deal early on in the marriage, then learning about the kids diagnoses helped us learn more about ourselves and each other.

I also learnt this in the early years of my marriage as it was obvious we were quite similar but also considerably different, and needed help to communicate. However he said it was clearly about me and he knew how to communicate (my thoughts - at work only) and he didn’t need to see a counsellor - but I did. I figured to understand I decided to go anyway even if it meant to understand the introverted A type personality male… later realising he fits the Asperger’s type.

My husband and I both struggle with auditory overload and when external pressures (kids noise, mounting bills, job responsibilities increase etc) it’s like we are on different pages. And it’s happening far more often now.

A recent online meeting with the school for our youngest child’s needs he said was a waste of his time - and he appeared to be falling asleep during the meeting.

I told him it wasn’t what I expected and reflected poorly on him, and he described it all as a waste of his time.

It made me so angry and disappointed. I’m really resenting this man and he doesn’t seem to give a crap.

There are times he’s all fine but sometimes it doesn’t take much to tip him over.

He is an incredibly hard worker and is highly regarded by his workplace and other interests and commitments so holds face for as long as necessary. But the downside is that I get the other-side which devalues the relationship and my effort to learn and understand him.

Recently we had a disagreement at our eldest child’s 10th birthday where he handed me the keys and took off. Putting all of the blame onto me.

I can’t cope with this where we both were at fault and unfortunately the kids saw it all.

I am certainly far from perfect but I work so hard to help our family and keep things moving along.

I feel like a complete mess right now.
I’m 47 and not enjoying my life as I feel like I continue to plough through challenge after challenge with him.

Another thing I have realised is I am sure I have commenced perimenopause which has impacted my focus and emotions a great deal than previously.

I have raised how this combined with adhd and autism is quite challenging where womens emotions, overall well-being and memory is more compromised during this time. Even the physical intimacy is hit and miss for me. I have no interest, and feel deeply disappointed in him and his direct display of dismissal of my feelings.

I’d love to know what people do in these situations when partners and even yourselves are challenged (whether related to neurodiversity or not) in relating and understanding one another.

I do love him but I am quite upset, disappointed and resentful of his arrogance and attitude.

I’m not looking at divorce but wanted some direction on how to make it work and how I can be happier in the circumstances (that sometimes I may be making harder too).