I just want to give up I just can't deal with this kid anymore. We just went away for the weekend and it was horrendous. We had to leave my 12 and 13 year old in the motel room for a few minutes but promised to take them to the pool once we got back. We came back and the room was absolutely trashed, they'd been throwing things all around, jumping on the beds, the mattresses were all over the room. It's like a hurricane went through. The consequences were they weren't going to go to the pool anymore. My youngest accepted this and didn't argue. My oldest has ADHD and ODD. She absolutely lost her shit. Lying saying they weren't jumping on the beds "that she just walked past and bumped into it and the mattress fell off the bed". She stood over me yelling, swearing and screaming in my face. I thought she was going to hit me. I kept asking her to lower her voice and that the consequences would be the same. (when I set a consequence I stick to it no matter what) She screamed and yelled at me for at least 20 minutes. In the end I told her I was calling a family member to come pick her up because if she didn't stop the police would be called. The closest family member was 3 hours away so I knew I couldn't get them to come. I called them anyway in hopes she would calm down. She kept screaming and yelling and trying to hang up the phone but eventually calmed down. Later that night video emerged from my youngest of them jumping from bed to bed and throwing everything around the room. She just lies and manipulates everything all the time.
The next day in the Main Street of the city she decided she wanted waffles. I told her that lunch was an hour away and we were meeting more family for lunch so she could wait, that I would get her a smoothie to tide her over. She went berserk in front of everyone. The last straw was her pushing me. I grabbed her by the arm and said "If you hit me, I will hit you back and then I will call the police and have you removed from our family and you will not come back" I then told her I'm walking away and to not follow me. Im not proud. I definitely could have handled it better. Im so sick of having to remain calm while I'm treated like absolute garbage. I feel like I'm in an emotionally abusive relationship that I can't get out of.
She sees a psychologist and pediatrician regularly and for years but it hasn't made any difference. I also see a psychologist but I just feel like I'm trapped in a black room with no way out.
I got a family services group involved a few months back which caused more dramas in the family than it was worth. Their recommendations were to let my daughter do pretty much whatever she wanted. (Hang around the streets until all hours, sleep at boys houses, hang out with kids that drink at the park ect)
At this point I don't even know what Im asking, anytime I say no to something she wants it's a huge ordeal. She threatens that she's going to call the police and tell them I abuse her so she can go to foster care and do whatever she wants. I feel bad, but I want her to go. Ive just had enough and Im tired of having to try to protect my youngest from constant verbal and physical abuse. Has anyone had their child removed by choice? What was the process? And are they actually safe in the foster care system? I have no family who would want to take her on. I have no partner, no family support for her and her father is in a mental institution.
We were that family and I am done
We were that family and I am done
Posted in:
Teenagers, Aspergers & Autism
12 Replies
I’m so sorry I have no meaningful experience to share, but, I just wanted to send a message of support!
How incredibly hard! I wonder what would happen if you called her bluff? And told her to call them? It may take the threat away, she can’t use it as a weapon then.
Virtual hugs and thoughts x
She'll never be as safe as she is with you. Sure she might be, but there's a chance she won't be.
One of the main things I had to wrap my head around was to not set my son up to fail. It seems so simple doesn't it, but it's totally not and and it takes a whole change of thinking to make that happen.
For instance, at 12 and 13 you know your kids. You can hope they won't play up and trash a hotel room but you know them. Don't give them the option to fail. Take them with, or one of you stays with them. They weren't ready for that.
The waffle incident. "Sure, you can have waffles but we're meeting x for lunch in one hour. You can have waffles then".
It's the no that is often the instigator. Keep the real 'nos' for important stuff and get used to thinking in terms of not yet.
Good luck, I feel you. Mine has grown up. There's light at the end of the tunnel.
Who's "we"?
Is it the child's father or a boyfriend?
Why did you leave them alone?
If it's the child's father, why aren't they supporting you?
What strategies are the psychologist and peadiatrician giving you?
What is home life like?
Does your child have a background of trauma ?
I think they were left longer than a few minutes
So what, a 12 & 13yr old should be able to behave for a significant period of time. How is this comment helpful to an obviously struggling mum? I bet you wouldn’t say that on the main page where you are identified. Coward troll comment
We sent my son to a juvenile hostel when he was 17. We tried everything at home and nothing was helping. We also couldn't watch him 24/7 as we work. We had a meeting with the hostel and he had a bed that same day. My best friend was the manager there and they are staffed 24/7. Parents can visit and do sleep overs etc ...
He was there for 3yrs progressing incredibly. He just needed that in-house support from multiple specialists on top of family interaction . It was the best thing we ever did. He has his own apartment these days, works, and is healed. He is a wonderful son and a productive member of the community.
A Lot of ppl rubbish the hostel support agencies, but these places were a lifeline for my son and our family . These services are there for a reason.
This sounds really tough, sending you both lots of love.
I have worked with many children like this. Often the logic part of the brain really struggles at this age, this mixed with everything else makes life really hard.
Something I have found that works 9/10 times is removing "no" from the equation as much as possible. Kids often act this way because they feel like they don't have any control, it doesn't mean giving in to their demands, it means giving them choices and a sense of responsibility. This could look like giving her other options before lunch, a piece of fruit or whatever is acceptable for you, or saying lunch is in an hour if you want to eat before then these are your options. Or just empathising with them "oh yeah those waffles look amazing! I really hope there are waffles avaliable at lunch!" Another strategy is when she does things like trashing the room, don't respond to what she has done, instead focus on the why. Is she tired, frustrated or bored?
Finally give the behavior you want lots of attention and give the undesirable attention less attention.
I had my 17 year old ( now 18) son arrested and removed from my home in the end. Nothing helped. He has a diagnosis of rad which is a trauma related mental illness. There's only so much one can take. My breaking point was a knife pointed at his sister. No advice as this was my only way but I want you to know I'm sending huge hugs one mother to another
Please, please do not put her in the system. I am a child protection social worker and my job is finding care placements for kids who have been removed or relinquished.
Let me be clear, at 13 there will be no foster care for your daughter, as most foster carers only want kids under 6 and preferably those without behavioural issues or diagnoses. She would be placed in residential care where she would be exposed to so much worse and would then be influenced by kids dealing with trauma on top of everything else, and once they've experienced a system that is unable to prevent kids from doing whatever they want, there will be no going back.
Do your best to show her safety. Learn, read, practice, and learn some more ways to help co regulate your household.
You've got this. You can do it. I believe in you, just from reading your post, I know you care deeply. Just remember to be kind to yourself. You're human, after all.
Could you speak to the local youth liaison officers and have them come and speak with her regarding her behaviour etc?
If not, call the police. You're threatening her with it, do it. If what you're doing is absolutely not working and you've tried everything, give that a shot.
Apologise for the anonymous post but my current work is in foster care so do not want to be identified to the public. I am happy for you to respond to me and we can make contact somehow.
I’m not sure what state you are in however in Victoria if her child protection referral was to come to foster care agencies then it would be highly highly unlikely that we would find a suitable foster care home for her and she would be referred to a residential unit (resi or group home) where troubled teens live together with rotating staff and no boundaries. It’s horrible and no coming back from that. I wanted to give you the reality of what you are considering.
The Explosive Child is a really good read or try the audio book if reading isn’t your thing.
I know you said family/friends couldn’t have her but could they have your younger child for a long weekend and you can spend the time they are away focused on your eldest and planning how best to tackle the future?
I truely wish you all the best for what comes next xx
She might just need a medication review mate. If she’s grown heaps or been through puberty she might need a higher dose of her adhd meds. If she doesn’t have any, get to a paediatrician and get some