Hi,
So firstly back story. Engaged to my partner of 7 years. When we fell in love we moved straight in together and blended our family of 7 kids. Wow, that wasn’t easy....We have had more than our fair share of ups and downs. Leading to us living separately. We cannot for the life of us communicate about issues. My issue at the moment is I own my own home (mortgaged) and still have kids at home (teenagers). My partner rents a room off a guy but has been staying at my house full time for weeks on end. I need my own space and this has been discussed before but I have no control over when she stays as I suggest I need a night on my own and well she laughs but is still here. Do you think it’s fair that I am starting to feel like if she is here all the time she should financially contribute? I feel like I have another child to support. I cover all expenses including food. I fear hard conversations as in the past these have never gone well. I thought maybe some $ per week if she is staying regularly at least. I can’t commit to her moving in permanently (basically just bringing her things) as my home life is a little crazy. I have teenage girls and older kids. With some mental health stuff etc. My partner isn’t into family stuff and well I am. That’s why there is an arms length from me there.
Help????
How do I have a hard conversation?
How do I have a hard conversation?
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage, Money
5 Replies
Therapy or break up
I mean it doesn’t sound very respectful of your boundaries or your finances.
You're engaged but saying that you don't want her there each night because you need space? That sounds like you don't want to be married. In which case, it might be time to end the relationship?
If the issue is financial contribution, not space, be specific with her.
Yeah, look if it was a male we would be saying man up and accept her and the children she comes with. Sorry but if she isn’t helping pull her own weight financially that’s is an awful lot on a person. Honestly you 100% have control. It’s your property. Don’t be a doormat. Have the hard conversation… best case scenario she will start helping… worst case she’s not for you.
If you have a mortgage, I assume you're working - a lot of workplaces have training sessions or online learning packages specifically about things like conflict management & having hard conversations. See if your work has things like that! Also, google is your friend! There's tons of ted talks & podcasts about exactly these types of things.
You can absolutely say straight up "I really need some space for a little bit, I need to give full focus to my kids / X problems, could you please stay at yours for this week?"
And if she argues or ignores that, just say "I'm sorry, but I need you to leave. I really need this time to myself".
And if she keeps disrespecting your boundaries, you really need to re-evalute the relationship. You can love someone but not be with them 🤷♀️
It sucks, but sometimes it's just bad timing.
And it really sounds like she's taking advantage of you financially. She should be contributing if she's there that often.