My 12 year old daughter has a best friend who has been removed from her mums care and placed with her father. From what we hear dad is also not a great role model etc however we know she is warm, fed and has access to things she needs.
I would dearly love better circumstances for this little girl, and it’s been mentioned that she would prefer to live with us etc. This is of course not possible but how do I manage this from my daughter’s perspective as she feels she needs to help her friend and it blows her mind that this is happening to her friend.
How do I help my daughter to not take on the desire to fix this for her friend, other than just being a supportive friend?
I also feel substantial guilt that I can’t give this friend the home she deserves. Any advice is really appreciated.
School friends with difficult home situations
School friends with difficult home situations
Posted in:
Parenthood Guilt, Kids, Teenagers, Tips and Advice
7 Replies
If authorities are involved then everything will be looked into at Dads anyway. As hard as it is your daughter needs to learn that not everyone lives the same way. Her friend might not see that what she has is OK either. Its a confusing time for her and I don't think giving her sympathy for her living circumstances are going to change that, its just going to make her feel worse. Imagine someone started giving your child sympathy because how she lives is not as good as their life, making your child feel like she deserves better when in reality she has everything she needs. We don't get to choose where we grow up.
Totally agree, don’t encourage shitting on the situation, encourage praising the father and their relationship (it is what it is, but it’s what this kid has got). Find the good and build her up. If you have to, don’t tell your child that that is what you’re doing. Just point out the good to her. This child would have gone through trauma of having services involved and being removed from a parent: make sure your child isn’t stirring her up or perpetuating the trauma, even with good intentions.
Reach out to the Dad and offer support, invite him along if going somewhere with the kids, get to know him better.
Remind her of boundaries. Her father is her father. It’s not your place to step over that. You, or she, will never be a better father for that girl than he is. You just can’t replace, and you have to be honest and admit that you won’t - it’s not your role. If your daughter is too young to understand the massive difference between seeing a problem but putting in the resources required to raise a child, then just tell her no, that’s over the line and the most you can do is be a good, supportive friend.
Things must have been very bad at Mum's for a 12yo girl to be removed & placed with her father.
So obviously Dad must have fought for this.
She had everything she needs physically.
Maybe Dad has a hard time showing affection, or relating to a 12yo girl - not uncommon.
It will take time for them to settle into this, on both sides. I'm sure it was traumatic for her to be removed from Mum - but as above, that is super rare, so being at Dad's must be an improvement. I think that's the line you need to take with your daughter.
Invite the girl over a lot, maybe try to connect with Dad, invite him in for a coffee & chat, maybe he's struggling too. Maybe he needs a parenting course.
But most of all, make sure your daughter doesn't go from *sympathy* to *looking down on someone* just because your daughter has a more stable home.
I would just arrange sleep overs and say once a month as a check in. This may alleviate some of the anxiety around this situation. So you are still supportive without taking on the main caring role. As a mum who's daughter abused the heck out of her due to a DV father's influence, please remember there is always more to a story. My daughter is older but has not come home and I am being made out to be a terrible mother everywhere. It's breaking me 💔 but my daughter has used me to be able to gain more freedom and govt allowances. Do not believe everything you hear and tread carefully with this one. Protect your own daughter as well. My daughter was told by an older girl who did the same thing how to play it all out including seeing the school psychologist. I never even saw it coming 😞
My son had a best freind in high school who's home life was up and down constantly! I talked with him around being there for her, checking in and letting her know she was always welcome at our house for dinner or to hang out. I believe she drew strength from her freind's and was such a great kid, worked did well in school and had maturity beyond her years. She moved away with her boyfriend straight after school to study and work. My son now lives with them as they are all studying in the same city and are still best freinds.
This girl is not yours to save and as long as her needs are being met, and she's safe, all you and your daughter need to be is a freind and a place to hang out when she needs it💜