Hi mums, I am trying to understand how a mother can do this to her only daughter.
She hasn't seen her in 2.5 years, doesn't call or even text to see how she is.
My step daughter is absolutely distraught. She regularly gets upset and cries over why her mum doesn't want her in her life anymore.
When she first gave her to us full time, she saw her every 2nd weekend, but more and more she would drop her back home to us early, would make up lies as to why she couldn't have my stepdaughter at all that weekend, and on the weekends she DID have her, she would take away her electronics, would work most of the time, then would sleep.
She never spent any quality time with her daughter at all.
It got to the point where my SD didn't want to go to her house anymore, which I think was her mum's plan all along, to make it look like it was my SD's choice.
The weird thing is, her current partner is a very family orientated woman, and she seems ok with her never interacting with her daughter?
They used to say my SD was spying on them, was really rude and made themselves the victim to a then 9 year old child.
My husband and I are trying to help her through this, but she is nearly 12 years old, and still gets upset over her mum.
Yes she has counselling.
I just can't understand how you couldn't care less about your only child?
Why would my stepdaughter's mum turn into an deadbeat mother?
Why would my stepdaughter's mum turn into an deadbeat mother?
Posted in:
Parenthood Guilt, Teenagers
22 Replies
As someone that's been through alienation, I'm getting the vibe that there's a whole other side to the story and its not as simple as the mum being a deadbeat. You've given hints that there was some nastiness going on at the time. It is incredibly difficult to have a relationship with a child that has so much hate for you. It gets to the point where you have to make a choice because of the stress it causes the child and yourself. Instead of coming out now worried about the child's mental well-being, you and your partner should have been more worried back when she had contact and worked as a team instead of against each other.
I'm curious to know what more we could've done?
We couldn't force SD to go to her place if she didn't want her there.
We were always amicable with her.
You said it was SD that didn't want to go anymore?
She only didn't want to go because her mum would work the entire weekend, would take away her electronics, would sleep and would barely interact with her, which I think her mum deliberately did because she didn't want her there. She made it miserable.
She has tried to meet up with her after that, tried texting and calling, and she never replies. Even changed her number.
The last time SD tried to see her, her mum said she was too busy to see her.
Why did she hand over custody?
Was it due to not being able to afford a lawyer/court?
Moving for work and you wouldn't allow her to take her daughter?
Where did the child want to live?
Why was child rude to her mum and thought that was acceptable?
What was said in your household about mum?
Did you backup mum and address the bad behaviour or just blame mum?
I always tell my son to be respectful to his step mum and dad and he always has been, no issues.
It's the child that suffers in these situations.
She just said she didn't want her anymore.
SD wanted to live with mum.
SD was confused because she couldn't understand what she did wrong, I've been in her life since she was 6 and I've never noticed rude or disrespectful behaviour, and NEVER noticed her snooping.
We always treated her with respect
Did anyone ask mum why? Check that mum is okay?
You don't just give up your child for no reason.
We see it all the time on here, mums really struggling and giving up custody.
Plus the poor child has no idea why.
Does mum have mental health issues?
So many questions and no answers.
I feel there's much more to this story.
You're also assuming mum didn't want her there because she had to work?
Because she didn't want her on electronics?
A lot of big assumptions made here based on what a child said, who didn't get her own way.
If she didn't want to interact, why would she take away technology?
SD rarely lived with her mum, when she got into a new relationship she always gave SD to own mother to live with her.
Then when she broke up with the person, she would come to SD again.
This cycle happened all the time.
I don't think she ever really wanted SD, but I have no idea.
There was absolutely no drama between her and my husband, until I came into the picture.
We bought a house, had a baby and got engaged, then all of a sudden she wanted my husband back.
So obviously a lot of mental problems happening.
I just hate that it hurts SD so much, I don't know how to help her
Well why are you surprised?
She has a history of dumping the child when she gets a partner.
There's your answer, she's always been a deadbeat.
You wouldn't have noticed that behaviour because they save it for the "targeted" parent. Was your husband negative towards his ex, did he ask her questions about Mums house and what she was doing? did he always treat SD like she was a victim at her Mums? You've already done it by saying how bad she had it at her house. Some parents can turn their kids into weapons. I'm not saying that's the case here but take a look at Parental Alienation signs and causes to see if any of it rings true.
He was NEVER negative towards her, he's always shown respect towards her.
She doesn't try and even see how she's going
Just curious why your partner allowed her to stay with grandmother rather than him?
Was he involved in her life much before you came along?
What changed this time?
Does she want to live with her grandmother?
No one realised she lived with her nanna until he got her full time, I have no idea how no one knew.
SD never told us.
But he definitely would've taken her if he had known.
SD's mum and her mum had a big falling out, so she took SD to him.
It was a big mess.
SD's mum has always made out like her mother and sister were the bad guys, but now SD sees her nanna every 2nd weekend, and during school holidays.
It's a huge mess
Sounds like everyone has failed this child, she's been pulled from pillar to post.
Imagine your mum bailing, then your nana has you, then she's had enough and takes you to live with your father.
A father so uninvolved he doesn't even know where you live (did he never pick her up for visatation or if nana dropped her off all the time, didn't he think to ask why?).
Add to that, no-one has a conversation with this child about her mum and what her mum's issues actually are (has anyone tried to find out?) and that she can't be a mum right now.
Furthermore, she has to deal with all the "ordinary" stuff of a split family, a step mum, new baby etc.
Let's hope you don't split up because you sound like the only one that actually cares.
I think this is the most stable SD has ever been, living with us.
I have no idea how no one knew she was living with her nanna, I guess it was easy to hide, because we picked her up from school a lot.
But do you actually talk to the child?
How could it not come up in conversation?
How's mum?
How's school?
What have you been up to?
Maybe Mums partner was abusive or jealous
Now you've added more info like the SD going to her nan's whenever the mum got a new bf it does look like she resents her child. Which is so sad. Keep up with counselling, empower her, try and sift through her mothers behaviour and come up with reasons together so she has a way of not blaming herself. Did the bio mum have a bad childhood, mental illness, abused? Literally find anything else as a reason so she stops blaming herself. Tell her its ok to be angry or sad or whatever she is feeling.
Sometimes bio mums just aren't good parents. Same as some bio dads aren't good parents but some are. Some mums are vindictive or self absorbed and can't put their child first. It's incredibly difficult on the child because being rejected by a mother is especially painful, it goes against the idea (that is colouring some of the comments here) that mum's love their children no matter what. We went through similar and it makes your heart bleed to see a child in so much pain. I hope your SD can get through this ok.
Stress, addiction, depression, when you have no custody you have no financial support, and paying for life plus child support plus children’s visits is really hard if she’s on minimum wage or has financial problems. It sounds like whatever happened has been a decline, so she’s slowly felt it’s better if the child doesn’t come than if she does.
However on your side, yea she’ll need psychologist, losing your same sex parent is a gap that will never be filled. And you tell her, her mum loves her very much, she’s just not able to be a good mum at the moment. Show her photos and remind her about when they were good. See if they can talk or email each other, just to take the edge off that rejection and pain in the girl and put it clearly on the mums capacity right now, it’s not because the child’s not worthy of love.
My stepkids are incredible and we always had a great relationship with their mum. Until her boyfriend came along and things completely changed. It was and still is, bloody awful. It's been 5+ years now and those kids are all grown up and they have no relationship with their mum apart from sending her HB messages.
My own sister lost her kids due to drugs and we are so grateful that their dad was able to just step in and up. She went from being a great mum, to an ice addict who still doesn't get why her kids, who are 18+ want nothing to do with her. Hell, I want nothing to do with her after what she's done to us all 🤷♀️