Buckle up - this is a long one. I am at a loss so need advice or reassurance. My daughter is 10 and I have 2 older boys. I am no longer with their father and have been with my current partner for 4.5yrs. We are happy. We bought a home together. We love one another and are secure. Other than normal couple tiffs we don't argue much at all. We decided 1.5yrs in we would like a child together we got pregnant easily and told the kids and they were all excited and happy. Then at 8wks I had a miscarriage- the kids were upset and we all supported eachother through it. After a few months we got pregnant again but this time I didn't want to tell the kids until we were further along - unfortunately it was an ectopic pregnancy. Then came 2.5 long years of trying to no avail. We just kept trying - we decided if it was meant to be it would. 3 months ago I fell pregnant - we kept it quiet and yesterday after our 12wk scan I told my children. My boys are so excited, i got hugs and kisses. My daughter started howling. Full on crying and not quietly (we were out for icecream) and making a huge scene. She said she didn't want a baby in the family, she didn't want me to be with my partner. She said she has heard my partner tell his parents he hates me and say unkind things about me. She has been very nasty. She refused to get ready for school, she was screaming and slamming doors, she was throwing things - it was like witnessing a 3yr old tantrum. Now I have to preface that she is my youngest and the only girl, she has always been clingy and gets a lot of my attention as she does sports and is academic so I am there for all her things. She doesn't like sharing me - if anyone, and I mean anyone (my mum, her brothers, a friend, my partner) is getting attention she wriggles her way in. She can be manipulative, even her counsellor said she is good at manipulating things to get her way. Also she tends to blow out small things and lie to make them even bigger than they ever were. For example I could say "what ypu did was a stupid thing to do" and she will tell someone I called her a stupid b word (i never speak that way to my kids btw) except today on the way to school when I told her she is behaving like a spoilt little b after she said she hates me and my partner. The thing is - this has broken me. How do i a) help her accept this is happening b) help myself to not resent her and c) help my partner who is so hurt by the things she has said. He loves my kids, he sees my kids more than his own due to custody, he has been in their lives for 5yrs and seen them grow up. He has supported them emotionally and financially. He is a good friend to them. My boys were hugging him because he was very teary over the whole thing. I'm just at a loss. This morning she was pushing me away, she didn't want hugs or any kind of affection and refused to speak to me period I explained her that her behaviour is unacceptable in any circumstance and that I won't be chasing her and when she is ready, she can come to me and I will be her. I told her that I love her with all my heart and that nothing and no one can ever replace her. I told her that she has hurt me deeply and while I understand she is upset that doesn't give her the right to lash out and say things that can destroy her relationships with those around her. That while I love her right now I don't like her behaviour. When she is ready to talk and want hugs and kisses she can come to me anytime. She got out the car, slammed the door and walked off.
She can't control this situation and so she is making life hell for everyone in our home. Any advice or comforting words - I'm feeling very fragile.
6 Replies
I think you did the wrong thing labelling it as a tantrum and disregarding her feelings and concerns.
I think it escalated because she was frustrated and not validated and you treated her like a "naughty" kid.
I also think a lot has changed since you moved in together and got pregnant the first time.
I think you were triggered by what she said and it made you very angry because maybe you are ignoring the problems in the relationship in the quest for a child and she brought these things to light?
Kind of like the emperors clothing story.
You spent a lot of time telling us how great your relationship is and basically how awful your daughter is (can't imagine writing like that about my child and all kids are manipulative btw) are you trying to convince yourself or us?
God help her if he has done anything to her, because you appear to be one of those mothers who wouldn't believe it or turn a blind eye. She is already painted the "bad" one in the family.
Sit her down calmly and ask her why she reacted that way and be ready to listen to the answers with an open mind.
Maybe she’s scared of you having another miscarriage. Kids grieve too.
I think with older kids you have to recognise that a baby affects them as well. It changes the whole household, its different with younger kids because the family is still in that zone and nothing really changes but with older kids all the things they do like not being careful with noise, having friends over, getting lifts, going to sports, holidays, days out, how much they do around the house, sharing bedrooms, babysitting, helping with the baby etc are now going to be affected by a baby and how tired you are. It might sound like selfish reasons but its not an older child's choice to make those sacrifices, that choice has been made by you. She is also a pre teen right now so you have added hormones making her extra emotional. Acknowledge how she feels and don't write her off as being spoiled or having a tantrum or just wanting you for herself, that's very dismissing when you don't actually know why she's acting out.
Change your reaction to it all. She cannot verbalise all these mixed emotions she is experiencing, thus why you are getting the behaviour. I would help her to find the words e.g. I understand you may be feeling scared or worried about this baby and things changing... explore it with her. Talk to her therapist about emotion coaching and ask for resources. Stop trying to teach her to stifle those big emotions and instead give them a voice. I would also be talking about all the things being a big sister could mean and how special that is... all the things she could show the new baby and also talk about how much having her help would mean to you. Get her involved e.g. picking out little outfits or the babies first toy. Keep referring to her as the big sister and how exciting that is going to be. Shift the focus completely away from those other things and do not give them the energy or space to make those issues bigger. Instead come back to exploring the emotions that are driving the behaviour <3
You want to talk about manipulative?
Biggest red flag for me and most subtle: Whilst a CHILD in the family showed distress and was upset, your partner, the ADULT, rather than focusing on her, got teary, to gain the sympathy of the rest of the family.
Daughter = irrational brat, partner = kind, loving man hurt by this horrible child
This little stunt was so effective that it changed your focus from actually getting to the bottom of your daughter's distress to trying to shut her up and "help him get over the hurt".
Second red flag: the BOYS in the family like him, the only young GIRL doesn't it.
Open your eyes and see who the real manipulator is.
What I've learnt in life:
The crazy, irrational one with no control over their emotions is the honest one.
The cool, calm and collected one is the manipulative one.
Your daughter's behaviour is the OPPOSITE of manipulative.