Since I met my husband his swearing has been an issue as he constantly swears and I rarely do. We now have 3 children all under 7 and he constantly swear AT them and threatens them, but has never actually physically hurt any of them. It is disgusting swearing too, for example 'just go to bed you stupid c**t, stop being a f**kh**d, do xyz or I'll smash you, do xyz or I'll choke you. I have told him how disgusting and damaging it is but sometimes I don't even think he knows he is saying it. I have told him I will tape him every time he does it so he can see for himself how horrible it is. He can obviously control it though as he has never spoken to me or his friends like that. Our kids have additional needs and the oldest has adhd and can be hard work, but I'm not sure how to teach him other ways to cope with their behaviour. Often it is when I am putting the baby to bed (who doesn't like to sleep at the moment) and he has the older two. I also think it may be generational as he is from a dysfunctional alcoholic family. Also my 6 year old is starting to copy his behaviour (only at home not at school yet) and even asked me why his dad calls him a c**t and what does it mean. Does anyone have some tips on how to break this horrible cycle? My husband does care about the kids and is involved in all aspects of their lives, but has a short temper and very little patience. He will not read books or go to counselling.
13 Replies
"Since I met my husband..."
Yet you married him.
Did you think that one day he would magically change?
Father is feral, son is feral and your kids will grow up to be the same if you don't make the necessary changes.
Btw, this is abuse, in case you were wondering.
Better late than never, do the right thing and get your kids out of there.
If he wants to do the work to change, he can do it from a distance, the break up doesn't have to be permanent.
This is abuse. Stop making excuses for it!
Oh it's generational, he does care blah, blah, blah...
Just stop. Stop being a bystander to the psychological damage he's doing to those children.
You remove him from the equation or you take the kids out of this toxic environment and you get them some counselling - they'll need it.
That's how you break the cycle.
You can clearly see he is choosing to do this because he does not use that language on other people. It is child abuse and the damage it is going to do to your children is not at all okay. I would be giving him an ultimatum. He either gets help and stops it or that's it.
I used to make excuses for my ex and I used to put my kids to bed every night etc. so it did not upset him! He does not need to swear at you because he is training you to do all the work to protect your children from him!!!! Once you figure out the way these abusive types work, you do not excuse their behaviour anymore.
My advice, ultimatum and follow through. Do it for your kids <3
You do understand that these kids are going to go to school and repeat that to their teacher, and Child Services is going to come knocking on your door, right?
And also that's how they're going to speak to you, their future partners and children?
If ANYONE spoke like that to my children, I'd have to be arrested to stop me ripping their faces off.
I would absolutely record it, so that when I kick his arse out to the street, the court will understand why I won't allow access visits.
By allowing this to continue, you're teaching those kids that it's fine for their father to abuse them.
You're teaching him that it's fine to speak to SPECIAL NEEDS CHILDREN like that.
You say you tell him how damaging it is, but you're not doing anything properly to stop it??
My partner went off like that ONCE at our cat, and I told him if it happened again I'd leave - and I meant it. And he knows I meant it.
I'd honestly sign him up for a parenting class and an anger management class as a one last chance thing, and make it clear he attends & implements the tools, or he leaves.
This is horrendous. You say it’s not physical however verbal abuse is just as damaging. Your poor children. They will remember being called disgusting names and will start to believe it as the truth. Their self esteem and self worth will be so low. I don’t know how you can live with an abuse person who calls their kids a c**t. Please leave and set some boundaries.
This fool clearly hates kids. Sees them as a burden. Fuck him off if he doesn't seriously change . He's the only cunt in that household
And I’m sorry to say Mum ain’t no angel either for allowing it. And I ain’t mum bashing anyone , but it’s true she is allowing it. If a stranger called her kid a cunt I bet she’d wanna smash heads but it’s ok from hubby
Everyone telling her to leave, its still going to happen after they split. Only she won't be there to witness it, it will just happen on his time, which he will still get even if he speaks to his kids like shit. I think you should have a real honest, confronting chat to him, bring up his past and ask him if that's the same way he wants his own kids growing up? It will probably be the last thing he wants so use that as your leverage. Tell him what your child has said and what will happen if he goes to school saying that. Try changing the routine a little bit, put one of the older kids to sleep before the baby so they don't feed off of each other or give him the baby while you put the other 2 to sleep.
So, he verbally abused the kids, calls them cunts, says he’ll smash them, but he’s involved at least? Is that where the bar is for your kids? Because you’re letting them know that’s where it is
Not only is it verbal abuse (which alone is bad enough) but there's the threat of physical violence as well and when someone has such a shocking temper, you need to take those threats seriously.
If you were walking down the street and a random person said they were going to smash or choke your kids you'd be like "Jesus Christ, what a crazy person! I need to get my kids the hell out of here and call the cops".
If a teacher made those kind of threats or hurled vicious verbal insults at your kids, you'd immediately be on the phone to the principal or education department.
You get my point right? Like, if this was happening in any other circumstance or capacity you would act swiftly, you'd at least recognise that this person was completely unstable and totally unsafe for your children to be around. Yet your children live with this, at home, in the one place on earth they are supposed to be safe.
I'd highly recommend getting some DV support. Someone in a professional setting who can help you navigate this.
The harsh reality is you ain’t going to do nothing. You knew before marrying him but still married him, you didn’t have 1 but 3 kids knowing and I’m sure he did it to the first and second but went back a 3rd and still with him asking a forum what to do. You ain’t done nothing in 7 years you ain’t doing nothing now I don’t know why you wasting time writing in. If you have waited 7 years it maybe 7 years too late and those poor kids are already scarred.
Abuse it abuse, regardless of the excuses of not knowing, generational etc etc.
Make so mistake here, he is abusing your children and what he is doing will cause lifelong trauma.
Whilst you stick by and allow this you are enabling it and should the situation arise will need to explain to relevant departments why you stood by and allowed it to continue.
You have three choices here, you stand by and allow it to continue, you leave or you put your foot down, put serious boundaries in place and do not waiver. These are your children, you are their advocate, step up and stop this immediately.
Oh this breaks my heart. Aside from the psychological and emotional abuse the kids are experiencing, making threats to harm them like this is a serious risk factor for injury and death (I'm sorry to say). Please try to get help and find a way to separate so the kids aren't exposed to this constant abuse. They have already experienced years of it it sounds like and they will also be at risk of very poor mental health, addictions and other really big hard things when they are older unless you make a big change. You've tried to help him understand and stop but he doesn't get it and chooses not to do anything about it. He shouldn't be left alone with them. This must take a serious toll on you with worry about your kids. Please call 1800 Respect and seek help so you're not alone.