Hey sisters…
Has anyone dealt with their child constantly refusing to go to school? How did you over come it?
Daughter is nearly 12 and in year 6 (NSW)…this isn’t a new thing, it’s been happening since pre school but has progressively gotten worse.
We spent the best part of last year and early this year having fortnightly psychology sessions to no avail, there’s no ‘reason’ she doesn’t want to go and when she does she has a lovely group of friends and actively participates and is still learning and passing everything she needs too, but coming into high school next year I can only imagine things will start to fall through the cracks.
7 Replies
Anxiety? Lack of sleep? A bully you don't know about? Is she behind other kids? It can be so frustrating, I went through it with my son. His problem was anxiety and also was fine once he actually got there. If the problem worsens during high school consider medication if it is anxiety, it is the only thing that helped my son. Dont be too hard on yourself either, I copped a lot of judgement from others including the school but its now being recognised as being not a problem with parenting but a sign of something else like the ones I mentioned at the beginning. I heard something brilliant the other day which I wish I heard 5 years ago, "If my child didn't want to go home from school there would be serious concern for his home life so why isn't there serious concern for his school life if he's refusing to go from home to school? The blame still points to home." Schools need to take more accountability for kids who don't want to go to school because of bullying or being behind.
Yes I had this with my daughter at exactly the same time in her primary schooling. Started with saying she felt sick & then turned into full blown refusal everyday for a good term or more. Same scenario for us there was no major problem for her at school, she had a great group of friends & actually said she enjoyed school & she is very bright & capable. It eventually came out that it was anxiety, she said she knew she wanted to go to school but hated that this sick feeling would make it hard for her.
The way we handled it was baby steps back into the school environment, giving her the control when & for how long she would go for (as hard & as frustrating as that was) but it worked. It gave her the safety to know if she felt she couldn’t handle going she knew I wasn’t going to push her. So we’d start by going for a favourite subject to then going for the morning & I’d pick her up at recess to then it slowly but surely improved & she was back to attending full days & the refusal eventually stopped. Her teachers were all wonderful & supportive of this.
I was worried sick for high school thinking things would only get worse being in a new environment but that hasn’t eventuated, she definitely still has days of anxiety but it’s improved & she has learnt ways to manage her anxiety better & as she says there’s never really any main reason it’s just a generalised anxiety that she feels. I think as parents we always feel there must be a reason (I know I was always searching for an answer as to why) but sometimes there isn’t one, it can just be part of our personality & we can find things & situations harder than the next person.
It’s not uncommon at all for this to pop up at different stages in a child’s schooling journey & it can come completely out of the blue. Just keep the lines of communication as open as you can & patience, patience, patience, something I really struggled with but the more patience & understanding I showed her the easier it became. I know exactly what you’d be feeling as a parent, you are definitely not alone in this bump in the road. Sending lots of love to you & your daughter, you will all get through it & there is light at the end of the tunnel. x
We have a countdown calendar. It’s end of year, this will pass very quickly now. Don’t stress high school, it might change with more freedom. Less behaviour in the classroom, different place ,people, structure, you never know. Just focus on this year. We have cards for days off. So they can choose their day off, and if they haven’t chosen it, then they know they’re going, and whinging doesn’t help anyone. Positive mindset, find the good parts, identify the bad parts and decide how you want to fix them or ignore them.
There are so many things online for anxiety, journals, positive affirmations, all those things. Making them turn their thoughts around is the hardest but it’s so important.
Also, I’d also love to just stay home on my screen all day, so you have to make staying home NoT the better option. No screens, chores, get up and be productive when she stays at home (for refusal). If she’s planned a rest day, then gentler, and rest, but still have expectations because festering is just even worse for their mental state and they’ll only be worse the following day.
Please don't make home uncomfortable for your child. This is terrible advice that has been proven by professionals to be damaging to the child as well as the trust in your relationship. Making their safe place uncomfortable will only make things worse.
Tiugh love is my advice. Drop and run. Send her to school in her pj's if u have too. Take her into the office with her uniform, and just leave her there.
She's gotten away with not going for so long she's likely milking it for what it's worth.
Please do not do this. Ridiculous advice that will do severe damage to your child.
Please don't take advice from people who have no idea what school refusal actually is. This includes teachers, guidance counsellors and other people who suggest garbage like above.
Yes. My 14 year old son was exactly like this from preschool until year 7. Year 7 broke him mentally and emotionally. We now homeschool and deal with significant trauma caused by listening to the wrong people for years.
Learn as much as you can about School CANT. It's CANT not won't and there is a huge difference.
Please acknowledge and learn the difference as this is essential to your daughters wellbeing.
DO NOT use tough love or make home uncomfortable both are extremely damaging.
Join School Cant groups on facebook. They are great communities that will give you the support you need.