I'm a 59 yr old married mum of 3. I've been married 34 years now, together 38.
My 3 children we had super close together, all aged now 29, 30 and 31, all still living at home.
My biological father left me when I was about 6 or 7.
I got a new stepdad at age about 8. We didn't get along. My stepdad was quite mentally abusive. Every 2nd word that came out of his mouth was f.
I would be yelled at in my face , accused of things I didn't do. I was a fearful but very good kid. I was the eldest of 4.
At age 16 my stepdad had me in a corner, yelling in my face that I was f.. ugly and that nobody would want to marry me. I was always belittled, told I was ugly. My mother who I don't blame at all was very very timid and I think scared. She was left with 3 kids by age 21 when my step dad came along, they had 1 child together.
I really felt an overwhelming urge to prove my stepdad wrong, that I wasn't worthless, that I could achieve certain things. You have no idea how much I wanted to prove him wrong.
He continuously used a belt, mainly on my 2 brothers. He never punished my youngest brother, their son.
I did achieve many goals. I have children, although I'd like them to move out. I am actually happily married to a man I met at 19, dated at 21 and married at 25. Still going strong.
My biggest issue is and nothing will shake this.... I am not worthy of love, why would anyone love me ? I'm not worth it, I'm ugly.
This issue seems to be getting worse as I age.
My husband is getting upset and angry with me saying this isn't true abd I shouldn't let him affect my self esteem.
It doesn't matter what I'm told or by whom there is no reason at all for me to believe that anybody ever would love me, except my mother. She is the only one I believe loves me.
My husband opens doors for me, puts me first, and every now and then reminds me " you have no idea how much I love you". I just wished I could believe that I was worth love.
I stopped showing aspects of love many years ago, fear of rejection maybe ???
I sort of feel ruined here. I get quite upset by how ugly I feel.
Wish I knew deep down that I'm loved.
Wish I knew deep down that I'm loved.
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage, Self Care
4 Replies
I can tell by the way you write that you're a very kind soul and you're lucky you have a husband that respects you so much. You have had a traumatic childhood which affects everyone that has had one, in one way or another. You were suppressed and your mind is keeping your self esteem down there where your stepfather put it all those years ago. Please seek professional help to help you with this, you deserve to be able to let the damage go. And tell your kids to get out lol!
Therapy lovely. Early on these embedded beliefs were formed and they are difficult to change. It may be about recognising them when they arise and finding ways to cope with them. Also help to realise they are not factual. It does not mean they will disappear but you are able to find ways to unhook yourself from them so they have less of an emotional impact 💗 Every single person is worthy of love. You included and even if you do not believe it 💗
me too, but i don't have anyone telling me i am worthy and no-one actually does love me :( my husband left me years ago.
so it's hard for me to believe i am worthy of love.
I feel you OP.
I feel like I could’ve written this. I constantly worry my partner will move on with someone else because ‘who would want to be with me?’ - I’ve tried therapy and I still cannot move past it.