I'm seeking advice for my beautiful mum. We are going to a solicitor in a few weeks, but hoping for some help before we go to maximise our time with them. My heart aches for my mum needing to consider this. Please be gentle....this is lengthy.
My mum needs to update her will, removing my sister (A) from anything left in her estate. My sister has financially abused our mother and either swindled or stolen over $150k from her over the last 15 years. Our mother will never see this money back leaving her in extreme financial hardship in her twilight years when she should be enjoying them. The abuse has been lifelong. Mum has always done her best to support A, as have the rest of us, but some people are just damaged and no amount of love can fix them. Mum now needs to protect herself and my brother and I.
She doesn't have contact with A anymore and it is sadly likely the relationship will never be repaired. This comes with its own trauma. Mum is very close with my brother and I and we have all tried to support A over the years but the abuse continues. She does not want A to receive anything from her estate when she passes as the debt A owes is likely more than what her share of the estate would be.
It is highly likely A will contest the will. My brother and I do not have funds to fight her in court if she does. Legal fees would need to come out of the estate which could mean none of us get anything. This would be the goal for A.
I have suggested for mum to say that A's bequeath is her debt paid in full, but that A has no further claim on the estate. That frees A of the debt and allows my brother and I to share what is left. If that works out to more than A's debt, I have suggested the difference be kept in a trust for A's children to share when they come of age. I feel this is the fairest and most amicable way to settle things financially. Mum agrees. My brother wants A to be cut out completely and then chase her for the amount owed to mum's estate, in principle for the hardship A has placed on mum. I understand his feelings as it's devastating what A has done to our family, but as mum says, some battles aren't worth the pain.
Can a will be made water tight to reflect my mum's wishes? If A does contest it and fails, can she be liable for our costs in fighting her? Is there anything that states that our mum must provide something to A when she passes, i.e. would her debt plus $1 do? Mum has evidence that the debt exists and that A is aware of how much she owes. This information will accompany the will.
I'm dreading splitting up the household items, but aside from photos and few family heirlooms, which are to be entrusted to me, the rest is just "stuff" and if there is fighting over it I will walk away. A does not have access to the home and my brother is more than happy for me to care for those items so that won't be an issue.
I know the solicitor will help with wording it all. I'm really just hoping to hear from others in a similar situation and what happened after. What did you have in place to protect your parent's wishes and what would you do differently to ensure it's as fair and secure as possible? Losing my mum is going to be utterly devastating!! To fight over her estate after will just add further trauma, which I'm not sure how I will handle on top of working through her loss.
I hate that things have come to this. I can't imagine the heartache of having to do this for mum. I want to support her as best as I can and don't want her to feel like she is being pressured into anything. My brother is quite strong and bossy and although I know he wants the best for mum, his version of that is different to hers as he feels so betrayed by A and the hurt she has caused. Trying to mediate between everyone is hard. I'm hoping we can get something down that reflects mum's wishes and make it as clear as possible so that any attempts to contest her will will be futile so save the fighting after she passes.
Thank you!!
11 Replies
I'm supporting a relative going through a contest of will by an estranged, nasty step child.
The will was carefully planned & written & the deceased wrote letters with the will explaining why their child wasn't getting anything. It did nothing. Her will has been tossed aside by the court & a court appointed mediator will decide who gets what. It's eating up most of the deceased estate.
In another family will, there was a debt repayment clause against a share in the will, from a loan 30 years prior. Person knew & accepted this, though.
So maybe the debt repayment option might work, if the solicitor agrees (I'm not a solicitor so not a valid legal opinion!). I'd make sure it's clear to A if the debt isn't repaid it will be taken from her inheritance. Possibly even a legal letter listing the debts, and outlining the terms, to be delivered to make it official & she can't claim ignorance. I'd say anything past her inheritance she'll get - especially if there's not expected to be much. It'll make it more like an 'equal split with debt to be repaid'. Again, a question for the solicitor. Just get a good one. She'll buck up so make sure she's blocked.
She'll contest anyway, but you need every bit of evidence possible to refute. The money you receive could be diminished, but you will have ensured your mother's wishes will be carried out.
Can you refocus your brother's anger to ensuring your mother's wishes are met under her terms? This will be your biggest win against A, not money. No one will win in a fight, and it'll likely break you all financially and emotionally & give her fodder for drama. My relative has cried about the exhaustion from this fight, and can't grieve or move forward. The 'child' loves the pain they're causing & is dragging out. It's not worth it.
Good luck. I hope you have many wonderful memories with your mother to come.
Thank you so much for taking the time to reply!! Your first story is exactly what I'm afraid of. The thought of losing mum is hard enough, but the fall out will be even worse. We have many bank statements and documents to prove the debt exists as well as written acknowledgement from A what she owes and needs to repay. Not all of what is owed can be proven though which is where it will get tricky. Mum is in the process of writing a letter of demand for the monies owed and will serve them on A so there can be no contest that she didn't get them. My brother is just sad and heartbroken, as I am, which is presenting as anger. Thankfully controlled around mum though. She knows he is upset, but she is shielded from the brunt of it. It's not about the money to me, or him, although anything will be a massive help as we both struggle. A has high income, which makes it all even more frustrating as she has capacity to repay mum and chooses not to. Mum wants to ensure that A doesn't rob us of this last gift.
And yes, absolutely!! Mum is in great health for her age so hopefullywont be going anywhere anytime soon. We see her weekly and talk almost every day. She is the absolute best mum ever!!! Despite all her heartache, she always finds a way to stay strong. She is truly inspirational and doesn't deserve any of what A is putting her through 💔
I'm glad your mum is fine. I completely understand it's not about the money. I watched my relative cry for the first time ever. So exhausted, and being dragged through the courts and robbed of their own aged care after years of being a carer (so not exactly going to paint the town red).
The solicitor will be able to help with real advice.
I think evidence of debt 'deducted from inheritance' might be your best chance. Exclusion seems to fail, regardless of the circumstances. Unfortunately she can contest anyway. Having the evidence will hopefully stop her winning.
Or ask if there's an alternative way to protect her assets.
If it makes you feel better, a large part of contesting a will is looking at who needs the money most.
They look at your income.
If she is a high income earner and you guys aren't, that will go in your favour.
Thanks for the reply!! I hope so....I just really dread the fight. If it gets too messy I would rather walk away for my own mental health. Money won't bring mum back and the thought of the trauma the fighting will bring isn't worth it. Mum know this which is why she wants to get her will as watertight as possible. At the end of the day, I'd give up some of my share for A just to avoid the fighting....
They look at dependency as well so its likely to go in her favour if she's borrowed money through adulthood. It's not fair but it's how it works.
I also think your Mum needs to go to the solicitor by herself, you or your brother should have no say in it, this is your mother's will and she needs a clear head when she gets legal advice, she shouldn't be worrying about what her kids do or don't want.
Thanks for the reply!! A borrowed the money years ago and accrued debt before her income is what it is now. If the courts looked at who is in what financial position currently, my brother and I are much lower than hers. There is evidence of the financial abuse A has inflicted on mum. It's not just that A needed money and didn't pay it back, it was coercive control and manipulation.
Mum has asked me to go with her to the appointment. I am hesitatant to go as I don't want it look like I am leading the process, but she has asked me to be there as she isn't in a great emotional state and doesn't want to miss anything. We are making a list of questions and her wishes and hoping the solicitor can make it binding. I've always been the level thinker and mediator in our family. She knows I have her best interests at heart and I have previously been appointed her enduring power of attorney and sole executor of her estate as she knows I'll be fair.
I'm the poster whose relatives going through the contest process now. The court has demanded both parties submit all assets & financial position information & will divide based on 'who needs it more'. So it's likely this will happen.
I'm still in shock a 'watertight' will meant so little.
I suspect I will end up in a similar situation. With a SIL who also has
financially abused my inlaws. I tell my inlaws the best thing they can do is spend as much as you can/want before you go! I encourage them to travel, buy whatever they want and make very clear that we don't want/expect anything from them (my hubby agrees).
Unfortunately I believe the law protects children of deceased in these situations.
I have watched our family get torn apart by this. One sibling used our mother to get whatever they could. We were all close, so it's pretty devastating. Never thought it would happen to us kind of thing.
Having what has happened to my family and witnessed it elsewhere. I have always admired another relative who sold his house, gave things and money to his children to help with house deposits and lived off a modest amount in a small rental. When he passed his children did not have anything to squabble over. No property to settle, a small amount of super and a small amount of household items. They were then able to grieve together.
Personally, if I get the opportunity I will do the exact same thing.
My BIL is just spending all the inlaws money before they go so there will be nothing left for the others when they do pass. It's really sad that wills can make others so greedy and tear families apart.