I'm a newly separated parent. There was dv and there are charges underway. I'm currently in the process of seeking trauma counseling.
I'm unsure what the general way of doing things is. If my child's father abused me, mentally physically and at one point sexually is it wrong of me to not want them to spend time together? I guess I'm asking if that's me protecting my child or if I'm being malicious?
Should DV abusers spend time with kids if they didn't abuse them?
Should DV abusers spend time with kids if they didn't abuse them?
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage, Parenthood Guilt, Kids
6 Replies
My ex was not physically abusive to our child either but people need to understand that all abuse is so damaging and should be taken seriously. If he is speaking Ill of you or trying to turn her against you that’s abuse. If he is giving the child guilt trips for loving the other. If he is trying to damage your relationship with your child. Or encouraging he or she to take sides. That’s all abuse and you need to protect your child.
Nope not wrong. From experience, go hard for it now, because the longer you go letting him ‘because he’s a parent’ the longer the bullshit goes on. Draw firm boundaries and make it difficult for him. Do not have any contact with him or have to face him for a drop off and if he can’t control his anger then he needs to pay to have supervised visits. And no, there is nothing wrong with that.
Just because your child wasn't the direct target of his abuse does not mean they weren't a victim of it as well.
Advocate for your baby 💙
Op; he has quit his job so that he's only paying less than $50 a month in cs. And is able to access legal aid and free supervised visits so I'm not really sure there's too much being learnt from that.
Their phone calls so far have been really upsetting for my child with talk about fun activities and "mummy won't let you come" etc. 6yo is excited to do the visits but at the mention of it the behavior backpedals to threatening and abusive which has been getting so much better since dad left.
But I'm also aware that my nerves around the visits could also be playing a part in that behavior. I just want to do what's right for my baby
It's still child abuse if your children witnessed it!!! Put as many protections in place as you can now. Even if it's supervised visitation.
Sadly they will use the kids to try to get at you when they can no longer attack you directly. It's called abuse by proxy.
Then when mine turned teen and he felt he was losing control he started abusing them directly. I have so many regrets about not keeping them further away from him.
If you can get him to agree to minimal contact under some sort of arrangement then do it
Unpopular Opinion here!
(In no way am I taking from people's personal experiences or meaning to offend anyone)
I am that child that came from the product of DV. I was never abused or put in danger by my father but yet my mother did everything she could to give me a negative experience with my relationship with my father. Whether she thought it was in my best interest or hers I feel like she was wrong (in this situation - not their relationship).
It would have been amazing for me and my dad to have been able to have a relationship that wasn't micro managed when I was younger. My mum put a lot of what happened in the relationship onto me as a kid and that's just not fair.
The father of my kids - we became very toxic for each other but it didn't mean we were too toxic to have a relationship with our children, we just couldn't be together anymore. I support my kids 100% in having an unrestricted relationship with their dad. I never talk poorly about him or show anything negative about him. At the end of the day he did me wrong not our kids and I would never put that on them so I put how I feel aside to support my babies and their needs. I would never want my kids to blow up at me when they are older because I prevented a relationship for them (as this is what my mum did) so I say let kids have unrestricted relationships with their fathers as long as they aren't in any form of danger. If danger (to the child) is at risk, very different story, you then need to take every safety measure you can to protect your children!
Dad's should have the same rights/say/opportunities as mums.