I’ve recently become single after a long term relationship where I contracted Herpes. My question is now that I want to date, when do I tell potential partners about the Herpes? Too early might scare them off. What would you do?
I’ve recently become single after a long term relationship where I contracted Herpes. My question is now that I want to date, when do I tell potential partners about the Herpes? Too early might scare them off. What would you do?
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16 Replies
Look, I don't think I'd bring it up on a first date or anything but I think It'd be best to disclose this information as soon as you start seeing a potential relationship with someone. Ie, you've been out a few times, there's a mutual connection there, you'd like to keep seeing each other etc...
Is it active? It can be dormant for years. I wouldn't tell anyone new but wouldn't get intimate with anyone while it's active.
Both my exes had herpes. That was 20 yrs and 30 yrs ago, respectively. They were womanising cheaters I've never caught herpes from either of them. . My current partner of 20yrs doesn’t have herpes. Doesn't always mean your partner will get an outbreak from you. However, if you tell them or not I really don't think it'll make any difference other than on your conscience.
I was only sleeping with him 2-3 weeks and I caught it with him not having an outbreak. So it can happen and I would feel awful if I didn’t tell them and they caught it!
I agree, informed consent is so important and if you don't tell them, when they find out, all trust will be broken. Plus all the lying and hiding when you have an outbreak. I had a friend contract them from one sexual encounter with a guy, he gave her oral, she got the mouth cold sore strain on genitals. He had no visual cold sores on his mouth. When I tell them would obviously be prior to any sex, but after how many dates would depend on how long you date and wait before sex. I need a lot of dates before o sleep with someone, maybe 2 to 3 months, so I might tell them 1.5 months in, if I were in your situation.
That is just so unlucky and so rare .
I don't think it's rare at all, that's why herpes is so common. It's one of the very few stds you can catch when using a condom.
I see a person who sleeps with someone and doesn't tell them in sociopath territory. It's incurable, you owe it to people to let them know.
I've had sex with tens of thousands of people in my profession with condoms and never caught genital herpes. I don't care what the medical profession tells people, and this isnt about luck. It actually doesn't happen without current sores . So the comment above saying it's unlucky and rare is correct when there's literally no lesions. Stop believing such bullshit from doctors who aren't taught the real odds.
Like throwing a hotdog down a hallway
But ppl don't use condoms when in a relationship. You're a professional, you always use them plus do visual checks. In the non professional section of the community, its a common disease. Apparently 70 percent of cases are caught when there is no lesions. Comparing apples with oranges, professional person who always protects herself versus people in relationships or having casual drunken sex without a condom. The safest person to have sex with is a professional, you are always protected, have regularchecks etc. the rest of the world isn't so responsible. At some point, this guy will want to stop using condoms, op needs to be upfront.
It does happen, there’s about 10 % chance apparently, I’m immune compromised so it’s probably why I caught it, but he didn’t have sores trust me. We had sex pretty much everyday for a couple of weeks, he would’ve been too sore with an outbreak, I know what he was like later on with sores.
it actually does, and you cant always see an outbreak. You are very lucky you haven't caught it. many people carry the virus and never have an outbreak. It's an extremely common virus.
I have herpes and haven't had an outbreak in years, but I absolutely believe in informed consent. I tell someone before we get intimate. I make sure I am on antivirals and use condoms.
Ive had mostly good experiences but a couple of shitty ones.
For me, I tell after a couple of dates. I tell them in a non smoochy moment, sometimes over the phone or text. it allows them a moment to gather their thoughts and do some research when they aren't backed into a corner, so to speak. It's also less sad for me, if they dont want to go any further.
I say something like " hey, i just wanted to let you know, before things go any further, that I have herpes. These are the things I do to prevent outbreaks and here is a link to some information so y0u can decide if you'd like to go further or not"
I think if people who have oral herpes did the same that would be awesome! Because you can get oral herpes on your genitals and vice versa.
Well said x
Personally it is something I would be extremely upfront about - I would bring it up if after date 1 if it's leading into date 2. If you're a fast mover in dating (no judgement, and not saying you are just other option) then I would be upfront from first meeting/hanging out.
Would definitely always tell them through text/phone rather than in person but if you feel it needs to be an in person conversation then in a public setting. You never know how someone will react to the news and its always best to be safe as their can be some rather intense viewed individuals out there.
Through text gives them a chance to move through their emotions on the situation too (not that they should have many if told before any feelings, sexual contact start).
Would definitely always give a link to a website that discusses living with herpes or dating someone with herpes ect as hopefully this will help ease their mind and make an informed decision.