*trigger warning*
This is long and complicated so thankyou in advance for reading and for any advice you may have.
I (34f) am a part of a blended family. My partner (36m) had 2 children and I had 3 children and then we had 1 together so a busy home of 6 kids. His kids are with us part time around 40% (my partner works Fifo so they're with us whenever he is home) theyre 13(m) and 15(f).
mine are with me 85% they're ages are 15(f), 9(f) and 6(f). We have 1 baby together 9 months old (f)
We have been together for 3.5 years and it has been the most amazing relationship. I never knew love could feel like this, I'm slowly healing from my past relationship, he is the most amazing, supportive, loving man to all of us, we are engaged, my kids adore him. It's honestly like a dream. My friends love him, my family love him, the kids all get along well. what could possibly be wrong.
His daughter 15, is ASD, ADHD, diagnosed depression and anxiety. We have had major challenges with her over the years. We have all the supports in place for her (regular psych, programs through headspace, school etc) She is great with me though, she feels safe with me, I'm able to calm her when sometimes nobody else can. She is a beautiful girl, so loving to my girls, funny, caring, she plays with them and loves to dote on them. They miss her so much when they've been apart a couple weeks.
This next part is hard for me but im going to get straight to the point.
Tonight she attempted suicide. As you can imagine, the stress in our house is intense right now. The older 2 kids heard all the chaos but the little ones were fast asleep at the time.
My own sister commit suicide 6 years ago.
I know the trauma associated with losing a loved one especially by suicide.
Do I stay and expose my kids to this ? Am I harming them?
Do I leave the best and happiest relationship I've ever been in to protect my girls from this?
The guilt I have even thinking of leaving is immense but I just don't want my kids to ever go through the pain I went through when I lost my sister to suicide. I'm never the one to leave when the going gets rough, I'm always a pillar of strength and support for those around me but I fear so much that I'm going to mess up the other kids by having them live through this.
Please help
Should I step back to protect my kids. ?
3 Replies
You have been traumatised by your sisters suicide, which is why you want to get away to protect your kids from that pain. I get it but running away isn't going to solve anything or prevent your children being traumatised if their sister died. If everything else is as good as you say, I would stay. Be the support system this girl needs. Maybe you, your partner and teenage children can do a mental health first aid course to feel more prepared. The worst thing is feeling helpless and not knowing what to do. If anything were to happen to her then you will know you've done what you could to help her, the worst feeling in the world is thinking you could have done more to prevent it. Empower yourselves so you know you're doing everything. Push for more professional support, specialised suicidal counselling (headspace doesn't do this), continue seeing the psych, question school about anything that could be going on, monitor social media and be aware of bullying, relationships, drug use etc.
Personally I would stay (just from reading what you have written).
This will be very raw and triggering for you so I'd suggest a therapist to help you process your sister (may she be resting in peace), your step daughter and how to navigate thus with children. Would also get the older kids that heard things in to see someone they can talk too.
You have 1 shared child so you'll never escape this. It's babies sister so even if you do leave most likely your children will still be exposed to this is some way.
I have really open, honest conversations with my kids (13F, 8M, 8M, 5F, 4M & 4 month old) - we've had an uncle commit suicide, another uncle was an accidental drug related death and an aunt in a pretty bad dv relationship. None of these things I ever wanted my babies exposed to in general let alone this early in life but life happens. Regarding the suicide death we talk about how uncle was really sad and unwell and he was ready to go for his big sleep. Even though we are all sad and miss him a lot and wish he was here, he's not in anymore pain now and we can see him in our dreams. Miss 5 had lots of questions "why was he sad ect" the questions I could answer I would and the the rest that was a little too heavy I explained that I will tell them when they are older and that it's only for adults to hear. It's help our family household have lots of check ins with each other - we just check in and see how each other are doing and have a space where we can say absolutely anything and we all just have to listen (no questions ect) - I will touch base later, privately if needed. We talked about how its normal to feel sad and sometimes the sad takes over and that's when we need to tell someone and go and get help from the Dr. Not pleasant conversations to have with children but it is an awesome way to help teach them about their own mental health awareness and what you do when you need help ect. Sit down with your partner, lean on each other, come up with a plan together. Sounds like you are an awesome relationship with your step daughter too, would hate to see you walk away from that but please make sure you have all the right supports in place for everyone. Good luck
Absolutely stay. She is going to need love and support and you can do this for her. My own daughter attempted suicide last year in July and I get the wanting to protect the others but at the same time you also need to support your bonus child. If this was one of your bio children you wouldn't walk away but rather help them heal and recover so why would the process be different for your bonus daughter?