My mother in law is suffering dementia, bought on by mini stokes.
She is not that far gone.. she isn’t forgetful but more confused whilst trying to have a conversation.
She still lives independently on her own with help of her family and help from cleaners, support workers etc.
I my self have worked in aged care/disability care for about the past 15 years so I understand that dementia affects everyone differently and I understand the behaviours associated with it.
My mother in law had always been hot and cold with me over the years..refusing to come to her grandchildren’s birthday parties at the last minute for unknown reasons, refused to go to my baby shower, very jealous that I have a close relationship with my own mother.
I have been with her son for 18 years.. we have 3 young children together, for the most part we have gotten along well, for years I helped her with taking her shopping and to appointments, always there for her when she needed anything, taking the kids to see her often as my partner (her son) is at work, offered her to come out on weekends with us (beach, dinners, lunch, kids sports, sleep overs etc) and always respected her and tried to maintain a good relationship with her and for my children. I always encourage my partner and kids to see her and have a good relationship with her (sometimes my partner doesn’t want to go there)
Since my last baby came along 6 months ago she has turned against me, telling my partner that I am money hungry, saying things like she doesn’t know how he can live with me, saying she’s upset that I helped someone else when she needed the help.. (I don’t even recall helping anyone else) and she’s been really nasty towards me.
Even bitching about me to my partner in-front of my kids.
I have taken a step back and stopped communicating with her entirely as she is treating me like crap and I have never done anything to make her be like this towards me. If things don’t go her way or we aren’t there visiting or doing something for her the second she wants it done then she is angry at everyone.. even takes it out on the kids at times. My partner has asked me to just forget it all and go and see her..
As I said I know she’s suffering from dementia and I understand that it would be frightening and scary but I feel like If I go and see her and just put it all behind me like I have for years then she will just continue to do this and I will be getting walked all over. What would you do
In this situation?
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3 Replies
She's saying all the things she used to say behind you back. Clearly her filter has been inpared. You know the disease well, but you also shouldn't have to endure the abuse and disrespect. The damage done to the children mentally isnt fair ether. My sister who is an AIN, said sufferers can get really nasty, even those who used to be so sweet and caring. It's a sad disease. But one you shouldn't have to deal with. Tell you hubby that he needs to remove the kids when the behaviour starts. It's gonna piss her off, but your kids come first. Have the kids tell hubby how they feel when she says those things. Maybe if it comes from them he will listen.
Thanks for your response,
The last time my kids went to see her (last week) my eldest daughter (9) asked her to stop talking about me in front of her.
The children have told their dad that they don’t want to see her because she talks about me to them.
She also told my 9 yr old not to bring the baby to see her anymore because he just cries 😑
Sadly as you know, this is going to progressively worsen. This is the time where you gently explain to your hubby that this is to be expected. Come from an educational perspective, rather than a personally hurt one. Tell him it needs to be mostly him now but that the kids may send her little things e.g. her favourite chocolate, pictures, flowers, perfume etc.
Let him know you need to allow everyone to still express that they care but to keep everyone safe from harm this needs to be done from a distance. Give him lots of comfort and let him know that you are there for him when he comes home to support him as you know this will be really hard for him to witness. Let him know fully your expectations are that her behaviour will worsen and you don't want to cause her distress by being there either but want to remember the few good times you did have. It is important for the kids not to remember her like this either <3