Hi,
Feeling quite upset today as my husband of 13 years (been together for 20) has been making out that I don’t do anything in the house.
Back story, I have been sick for a week and haven’t been able to do much and in the beginning he was just rest and get better however today our middle daughter hadn’t cleaned her room and I just asked her to and then he preceded to tell me that he will check her room to make sure it is clean but it wasn’t so I asked why and then he decided to yell at me. Lots of nasty things came out like he does everything even though I don’t work (not true as I do quite a bit). He works away sometimes which then I’m on my own with 3 kids and he doesn’t bat an eye when he is away, calls me to tell me where and who is going out to dinner with ect while I’m at home dealing with the day to day life.
We have 3 kids that like to push the boundaries so when he decides to get angry at me our oldest just like to repeat what he says to me and that can be quite hurtful.
I just finished a course that now there isn’t any jobs currently however my husband said that I didn’t have to go back to work if I can’t find anything but then when he gets angry he brings up that fact I’m at home and do nothing.
I don’t know what to do as it hurts the fact he keeps saying I do nothing.
18 Replies
Get a job and be independent. Then he won’t be able to hold that shit over you. It will do you wonders.
The post said she has finished a course and can’t find a job, why just find a job just to work when they may want to use their skills from the course they have finished.
Because you're more attractive to employers if already employed. If she chose to do a course in an area with a poor labour market she will need to make herself stand out if she wants a job.
Spot on.
We might not all love our jobs, but as adults we know we have to go to work. As an adult, she's been a sahm who isn't in a professional fielf, so she is going to start at the bottom, so she should take what she can get. If she's done a course, they obviously need her to be working, do she should get any job for now, unless of course she just did it to get Centrelink off her back and in that case, they need the money even more.
I’m the OP and no I didn’t do the course to get Centrelink off my back, I wanted to upskill as I had previously worked and the work environment that I was in was abusive so my husband and I decided for me to study some thing I wanted to do.
At this stage I don’t have to work if I don’t want to but I do want to find a job to use my skills.
Not everyone gets Centrelink
You don't work at all and you complain when your husband goes away for work, to make money for the family and you have to care for the kids? Try being alone all the time, working full time and taking care of kids. Or try being a military wife where they're gone for months and you have the worry they won't come back alive or whole. I think you need a reality check and reading between the lines, if your husband is working and doing the bulk of the housework, I can understand his frustration. You can imagine what we say to women who have husbands that don't work, they work full time and husband doed nothing, no different in this situation. Also assuming if your kids test boundaries they arev tween/teens so at school all day?
It didn’t say he does the bulk of the housework. I can understand her frustration as doing the daily maintenance of a house a person may not see exactly what you have done (constantly tidying ect) while husband is at work.
What has it got to do with kids at school all day? Picking up after kids and juggling the school drop offs and pick ups going to school activities along with house jobs is a full time job in itself.
Different commenter here.
Having school aged kids means you have 6 kid free hours a day, I get that everyone's situations and abilities are different but generally speaking a stay at home parent should be able to get some shit done in the 25ish hours a week that equates to!
I was a stay at home mum for 13 years (5 or so years of that all my kids were at school) so no shade whatsoever (and i do think the OPs husband is being a bit of an asshole) but I don't remotely believe that doing the school runs, a few afternoon activities and a bit of house work equates to a full time job. Most working parents still find a way to do all of those things...
She's not constantly tidying up if kids are at school. It isn't a full time job doing drop off/pick up and if they are in high school, they probably get the bus anyway. Nothing wrong with being a housewife when kids are at school, but I think the expectation is that you manage a large portion of the housework. If you don't, the other spouse is going to feel taken advantage of and you really are taking the piss.
I’m a SAHM at the moment and have kids in high school and I take them to school every day, they have never taken the bus and when I did work I made sure that I could drop them off and pick them up.
Even when the kids are at school there are things to be done for them, groceries, washing, housework, running errands, prepping dinner, going to school assembly/ helping at the school, going to sporting events at school. Just because we stay at home doesn’t mean we don’t work.
I have made sure that I attend everything I can at school for my kids as they are only little once.
We may not work the standard 9-5 job however we are available 24/7 and some weeks may be tougher than others and being a parent is a full time job even if they are at school.
Groceries, washing, housework, dinner are all things that people who work, manage to do.
i WFH full time, proper job, expectations, communication with office etc, and my house has never been so tidy.
I can throw a load of washing on, tidy up, even go to the shop in my lunch break and i work on average 10 hours a day (quite a bit of over time).
I'm also a single mum lol sometimes the yardwork gets a bit out of hand, but the house is always good.
I cook the dinner, no "pre" anything lol
I do school drop off but not pick up.
Seriously, if you have school aged kids and you don't work at all and you can't manage to keep the home tidy/clean, there's something very wrong.
We wanted equality, now we want to do nothing.
Obviously sahms is a different story. Toddlers, pre schoolers, you are constantly tidying up, feeding them, supervising them, taking them to the park, changing nappies etc. that's a full time job. But when they are at school, it's not anymore, no matter how many ridiculous normal adult tasks you list, that every parent, working or not has to do. You are now a housewife and you have the time to focus without the chaos and I think it's a fair expectation that the house is pretty tidy/ clean. From the spouses point of view, a disadvantage is that you don't bring in money, but the advantage is you keep the house nice, right? Aren't you supposed to be a team, each doing your bit?
You've obviously never had to work full time if you could take and pick up kids from school.
You're a very lucky woman, we all know our kids are only young once, but most of us don't have a choice but to work full time.
I don't think you understand what is required working full time and juggling everything else, with your dinner prep comments and running errands. More power to you, but I don't think you have a realistic view of the world for most of us and you'd probably be surprised how much us full time working mums can get done. You live a charmed life, it's hard for you to get it.
also do you think because we work we don't have to be available 24/7 like you?
do you think we never have to leave work when the school calls?
do you think because we work we aren't up all night when they're sick?
do you think we don't have to do doctor's appointment?
do you think because we work we clock off from parenting at 7.00 pm?
what a stupid comment...you live in lala land.
Don't give up your search for work. If you're working, not only will it force a more equitable distribution of of labour and level the playing field so to speak, it will also give you some financial independence (which is absolutely imperative for all women to have).
To play devils advocate here for a sec though, maybe your husband is simply being an unjustifiable DICK or maybe he's (very badly) trying to communicate a need with you. I am currently the only one in my house who's working (after many years of being a stay at home mum and my partner being the financial provider, so I do actually get this from both sides). It is so hard to not become resentful when you've slogged your backside off at work that (at least for me) is physically and emotionally exhausting only to come home to see the rubbish still hasn't been taken out or the kids bedrooms are still a bomb sites or everything might be surface level tidy but it all needs a solid deep clean. I'm very mindful of not coming home and being critical but sometimes the little things that aren't getting done just grate at you and it can make you feel under appreciated, there are a lot of sacrifices that come with being the sole income earner.
Talk to your husband once he's calmed. It sounds like he's frustrated with carrying most of the responsibility and you will understand that better if you can talk about it properly