So about 12 months ago I did my DNA through Ancestry. Long story short I found a long kept secret cousin who was adopted out at birth that none of my family knew about from my Mum's side of the family. My Mum only has 1 sister so we knew who the mother was and the birth certificate confirmed this to be true also. My new found cousin had reached out to my Aunty years ago and been told that she had not told any of the family they existed & she had no intention of telling them and could not have a relationship with them. My Mum was going to speak to her sister about what we had found but unfortunately my Aunts health had declined and she was very unwell and my Mother was worried bringing the subject up with her could cause further health issues. My Mum was right to worry as my Aunt has recently passed away. Now my dilemma. My Aunt had other children and I feel like they should know they have another sibling out there. I don't know how to bring this up with my cousins and I don't know when would be an appropriate time to let them know. The adopted cousin does not want to cause any family drama. What would you do? Would you want to know if it was you? I feel like if I had a sibling out there I would want to know. HELP!
7 Replies
I would want to know. But I would give it time, your Aunt has only recently passed and her children would be grieving, it might be too much to spring this on them too as no doubt they will have questions and maybe even a bit of resentment towards their Mum for keeping this secret. If you don't feel comfortable telling them when the time is right, ask your cousin to go through an agency and get them to contact on her behalf.
I think that she made a choice and you should respect that. Sharing this information will forever affect how they view their mum and do so much damage. It isn't your secret, so you shouldn't tell.
That's the thing, the bio mum can speak for herself or minor children but she can't decide for her adult children. She doesn't have ownership over this. Her wishes were respected while she was alive but as harsh as it is, she's not anymore. Her adult children deserve to be given a choice. Their potential relationship with their sibling is their own and can't be controlled by someone else.
Sure. But then the person who was adopted out should contact them. A cousin should not get involved.
Imagine being someone who had spent their whole life just wanting to know where they came from or who they belong with. I would encourage them to reach out and as someone who lost their mum, I would 100 percent want to know as soon as it was found out. In fact if one of my cousins kept that from me, I'd be pissed.
My mum passed away but if there was some part of her life out there that I didn't know about! That would not cause resentment. I would have questions as to why but I would want to embrace them and try to heal together.
Not everyone would react the same way.
Thank you that's exactly how I feel. I just don't know how long I should wait to let them know. I don't want to cause them more pain but I feel they have the right to know and the right to choose if they want to know their sibling.
Is it possible for the sibling to send a letter for them all to read and end it with something along the lines of "when you are ready, I am here"