Hi all I am married woth 2 step children. It is challenging at the best of times but I do love the kids. The problem is that my husband and I fight a lot about the kids. He is a sit back amd do nothing parent and if I make any comments about the kids lying or being on their phones too much, he blows up at me. I get I'm not mum, but I am the one with the kids the most as he is at work and I do all the school runs amd have them on a Saturday while he is at work. Today he really blew up because I said his son had lied about brushing his teeth. I want these kids to have good morals and values, but feel like I'm punished for trying to install that. Any advice would be great
14 Replies
How long have you been married to the kids dad? How long has this relationship been for so far and how old are the kids? As the responses you get here will reflect on this left out information.
We have been together 7 years and married 3 1/2. The kids are 11 and 13
If you really care, call the kids out at the time for whatever they did, respectfully, no need to then dob on them to dad, unless it's serious. You sound like you are point scoring, I'm guessing you have kids as well and you want to point out his kids flaws to him?
No I don't have any kids of my own and it has nothing to do woth point scoring. And I do call them put at the time. By me talking to their dad was for him to be aware and to also step up as the parent and not the friend
okay, understood, see what you mean. i guess as a parent, a kid lying about cleaning their teeth isn't a big deal, a part of daily life really lol
Oh I totally agree with that one. It wasn't particularly about the teeth. It was more the constant lying and a lot more but too much to go in to. I guess it's just hard at times being in this position. I mean I wouldn't change because I do love them, it's just hard
you're a good person taking them on x
Thank you that's kind to hear
As a step mum myself and to teenagers, my advice is let it go. The only reason it would be worth pulling them up on small things is if you had younger children that were copying but you don't, so don't stress. The good thing about being a step parent is you can take a massive step back and let their parent deal with it all.
Thanks. I've definitely been thinking that's what I need to do. Just also don't want to seem like I don't care
I think he needs to see how much you do for him and his kids.
Take a week off and make him do everything for them. Go visit family or something and don't give him notice, just go. He needs to see that their actions also affect you and you're not the bad guy.
If he is willing to use you for everything else then he needs to know that you are also going to have to instill some discipline and guidance along the way. Just basic in the moment stuff, not the big stuff.
You need to go to counselling with your husband as it is essential you are on the same page. Otherwise tell him you won’t be doing ANY of the childcare as you’re not a free babysitter and if you’re not allowed to ‘parent’ them he has to work it out. Honestly you are completely right and he is a lazy husband and lazy dad and he doesn’t have his kids best interests at heart. A counsellor (third party) needs to tell him this (and let him read these responses!). Kids with no boundaries are ungrateful and unhappy adults. Tell him to drop the ego and put his kids and wife’s well-being first.
Personally I’d take a big step back, stop doing the “mum” stuff since your husband told you, you aren’t their mum. When he realises that you are no longer doing it just simply say I’m not their mum.
I get that you don’t want to seem like you don’t care but if he doesn’t see that you’re just as much their parent as their biological ones then you shouldn’t have to act like one.
My advice might suck as I’m not a step mum but one thing I know is that in my marriage our oldest son isn’t biologically my husbands and not once have we ever called anyone a step anything, there is no “step” in our family and he is just as much a parent to our oldest child as I am and I would never tell him his not his dad.
Not using "step" might work if the child only knows your partner as their parent from a very young age but when your partner has older kids I think its more respectful to use "step". Its not a bad word. It helps the kids learn that nobody is trying to take their parents place and just helps with explaining the dynamics to friends, teachers, sports etc without having to reach too far into their personal lives having to explain everything to people.