How do I get my 13 year old daughter with ADHD to stop verbally abusing me and recently physically abusing me - kicking, punching and pinching. Use to always only verbal abuse until the past 2 weeks.
Every time she doesn't gets what she wants I get sworn at, told I'm useless and bunch names / swear words. Latest incident when I refused to turn music up in car she said she would undo her seat belt and smash my big nose and forehead against the steering wheel - I cancelled plans and said I would not be spoken to like that and returned home on the way she undid her seat belt in front police camera/trailer and smiled at me. Upon getting home she pinched my arm and hit my back 4 times before throwing and kicking chair, rubbish bin and clothes airer, then storms out of house to her friends. I am at a loss and said she can return home when I get apology and change in attitude she has the option of also going to her dad's.
She sees no wrong in her actions, refuses to go to counselling but I am tired of walking around on egg shells whilst her younger brother watches and thinks this is normal
10 Replies
this sounds like more than just an adhd problem.
i would seek a professional, maybe a child psychologist.
are you two close? how is your relationship with her? does she resent you for some reason?
how is she for dad?
has her life changed in anyway? new partner moved in? new school?
does she confide in you?
have you tried to find the cause, like being bullied at school, something bothering her etc.
does she get enough sleep?
how is she going with school work?
please don't dismiss this as an adhd problem, i would further investigate.
Also, the fact you won't let a 13 year old come home speaks of a toxic relationship between you and her and this isn't just a her problem but a you and her problem.
Her father has only recently returned to being a part of her life. She is open and honest with everything has had a hard last term with loss of her group of friends which she has struggled with mentally and causing a lot of her frustration and finds it difficult going to school.
New medication which is only used for school hours which she said helps her control her mind with the feeling of less tabs being open but loss in friends due to actually focussing and doing work.
This is the first time I've asked her for an apology after being left covered in bruises but thankfully she is home again.
I will seek counselling for us to both work on our relationship and dealing with outburst.
the outburst isn't what you need to deal with, she has so much going on, her mental health needs to be the focus. the outbursts will stop when she gets help with all that's happening in her world. she needs help with emotional regulation, she's a kid that's really struggling and i would treat her with kit gloves. if she wants the radio louder, why not, like seriously, pick your battles. be her soft and safe place, not another difficulty in her life. was that hill really worth dying on when you know she's at the end of her tether? you need some compassion and empathy. No counsellors, she needs a psychologist, this is far beyond what a counsellor can deal with.
I'm sorry but you aren't covered in bruises immediately after a fight. Your need to be the victim/right is a priority over your daughter's well being/mental health, you are a toxic mother.
I'm not sure this was a standoff first? I would say no to turning the radio up for my kids for any range of reasons. 1) I have a headache 2) the conditions of the road needed me to have a higher level of concentration (rainy day with bad drivers, or driving somewhere new and the roads are messy and I'm trying to pay attention to google maps etc). I wouldn't expect to be assaulted as a result.
Also, this mum isn't toxic for putting some behavioural expectations in place. She was physically attacked and has requested her daughter apologise before they're back in each other's space. She clearly mentioned that her daughter had safe spaces with family available to her in the meantime. If her daughter wasn't in the headspace to have this type of conversation, coming home before she was at that point would have likely escalated things further.
This sounds like a really different situation and blaming someone will only make it worse.
Thank you so much, the other comments left me being feeling a bit deflated. She wanted the music on maximum (loud rap music) I had it reasonably loud but said no higher due to having headache.
My daughter has returned home, apologised for her behaviour and is in a much better headspace and understands she should never get physical and in her own words over the smallest thing when she looked back on her actions she can't believe she exploded like that.
My daughter has been seeing a psychologist in the past (for 2 years) but both psychologist and daughter said they were at the point were they felt no more consultations were needed at this stage.
Part of my daughter's ADHD is the occasional anger outburst when trying to deal with multiple things upsetting her eg. Loss friends at school and adjusting to school life trying to make new friends and fit in.
Wow. I'm so sorry with the answers you have received. If my face was smashed into the steering wheel while I was driving I'd be hurt physically and emotionally. It's DV.
I'm not saying that you're the victim and your daughter is innocent. She's 15. She should know right from wrong. ADHD might contribute to her explosive response to a seemingly benign situation, but it doesn't explain why you would need to ask for an apology.... She should know that is required. It doesn't explain why you she wouldn't understand that she was in the wrong. I'd recommend the following:
1. Counselling for yourself so that you don't have an empty bucket. I disagree that you are a toxic mother as I don't think there is anywhere near enough information to make that call. I do think it's a toxic environment though and you can't help her if you're too worn down yourself.
2. Contacting her paediatrician or child psychiatrist. If this is an escalation and associated with a medication change, they need to know.
3. When she is open to a reflective conversation, ask her what can be done to support her with the changes/ losses she is trying to deal with.
4. Ask your specialist whether they feel this is all ADHD? The lack of remorse/ insight could indicate early presentation of another diagnosis or personality disorder, and if that's the case, the treatment that you need might significantly differ to what is offered at the moment. The explosive behaviour needs to be supported and is definitely problematic.. but it's the lack of awareness of right and wrong that you mentioned that concerns me the most.
Look after yourself mumma. You can't give your daughter the support that she needs if you don't.
Thank you.
We have an appointment next month with paediatrician, first appointment we could get and we always discuss everything that has occurred, how she is adjusting to medication and feeling in general.
My daughter herself has said she has trouble recognising when someone is upset and says things to her friends without realising the things said are hurtful until they tell her and lacks empathy.
We have now come up with chill out time when she feels she can't control her emotions and we both go and do our own thing in the house for 10 minutes or however long until she feels she has reset.
Has she started going through puberty? Is it possible that where she’s at in her cycle is affecting how she reacts to what’s happening around her? Maybe get her to start keeping a record of her cycle and her moods to see if there’s a pattern to what’s happening. If you find there is a pattern you will know when to expect the outbursts and can adjust your strategies to reduce the impact. Also ask the paediatrician if it’s possible for her hormones to be causing the outbursts in conjunction with the ADHD.