My older 11 year old son is really mean to his younger brother who is 7. He is constantly name calling his brother saying things like he is weak, scardy cat, wish he was never born, no one likes him, everyone hates you, idiot, stupid, dumb etc. They both got along so well when they were younger, so it is upsetting to see this behaviour. They both share a room, but my oldest was being so mean tonight that i had to get the youngest to come sleep in our room for the night. I have talked to the older child about his behaviour and that it is bullying and hurts his brothers feelings. We have also taken away screen time, but none of the behaviour is changing. My son is also swearing a lot In general, and I hear swearing from his school friends too when they talk online. We have tried seeing a psychologist when my oldest was a bit younger but he refused to talk, and the school says when he get into trouble there he goes mute too. Any advice?
3 Replies
In my opinion, this is a man to man dad thing.
Dad needs to sit him down and talk to him about how he treats people in life, especially those that are smaller/have less power/physically weaker etc. It's a very important conversation to have, especially as he is coming into his teen years.
Also, he might need something to take his aggression out on i.e. if you are feeling irritated or moody, go punch a boxing bag etc don't take it out on your sibling. Give him options, they have these very real physical changes, testosterone surges etc.
Also, have a close look at your family. I find some kids that do this come from families where people make snide comments/jokes at other people's expense, gossip and run people down behind their back and basically think it's okay to disrespect people they think they are better than. Really look at how your family operates, it may not be overt, but it doesn't take much to influence kids and teach them apathy. Model empathy for others, it's so, so important, kids do as we do, not as we say. Show him how to be a good person i.e. help the neighbour, the lady at the shop, donate to the op shop, make empathy an important part of daily life.
Another possibility and a strong one is that he himself is being bullied at school, I would look into that also.
IMO this requires more than taking away electronics, this requires teaching yout son empathy.
Is your younger son goading him on? My eldest can do this to his sister and was always in trouble until we realised that she was pushing him to a point of major frustration and he cracked. When we realised and stopped that from happening, they got along again
Yes! My boys did this once upon a time. Eldest was constantly getting in trouble because I was catching him in the act. After a month or two, the eldest started complaining he was getting in trouble when he wasn’t even starting it. I took a step back to observe them, and sure enough the youngest was goading the eldest who then retaliated. So they both started getting in trouble, youngest for starting and eldest for retaliating. Didn’t take long for both to stop after that.