Hi mums,
I’m struggling with my partner - or it could honestly just be me, but I’d like some perspective from you all.
My partner drinks a fair bit, every day with lunch he will have one, Friday night after work and then weekends. Sometimes he will go out for a mid week beer after work.
My issue is sometimes he gets blind, he will leave his car at work and Uber it home. Sometimes he does drugs because when he drinks to a certain point, he thinks it’s a good idea. As a result, he doesn’t come home till 2-3 in the morning and does things outside of the relationship that he doesn’t remember ie goes to strip clubs, gentleman clubs.
We are going to see a drug and alcohol psych soon and although he has agreed to go, he doesn’t believe anything can help him as he doesn’t have a problem. He has a great job, is present with the kids and spends time with me. He has spoken to a couple of his friends who are all very similar and they have told him he can’t get sober as they’ve tried it and it doesn’t work.
I don’t mind him drinking, but not to his extent. But, when he drinks, he can’t stop. So he can’t just have a couple if that makes sense.
Should I leave him to do what he is doing - struggling with the fact I want to grow old with this person and their health will absolutely be affected by drugs and alcohol usage or keep intervening?
Has anyone else been through the process of getting sober?
Background info - I don’t really drink, maybe a couple of times a year. So if it meant I never had a drink again to help him I absolutely would support him there and I don’t touch drugs.
9 Replies
He can do it if wants to. It will take him reaching his rock bottom for him to want to put in the effort to become, and stay, sober. When you see the psych you need to know what your hard limits are and what the consequences will be if he continues to drink. Even though you don’t want to leave him, that might possibly be the kick in the bum he needs to put in the effort. And he’s going to have to stop associating with those friends when he’s ready to try for sobriety, because they are not going to be supportive of his efforts.
Is it the work culture? It sounds like its all work related and he's going along with the boys. I would ask him to change jobs or at the very least stop going to clubs, he's a grown man with a wife and kids its about time he grew up. I would not be sitting at home waiting for him to get home while he's out partying and being busy "not remembering" the things he's doing at strip clubs.
To me this doesn't sound like a problem with alcohol but a problem with partying. He can drink at home and if he was an alcoholic, he would be. He is drinking to keep reliving his youth, drinks, drugs, girls and he still gets to come home to you and his kids. Getting the best of both worlds.
I agree with the others. He doesn't have a drinking problem. He's going out with mates and drinking while he's out. How often could he go out that you would be ok with? If that level would be acceptable to you both, awesome. If he's not wanting to reduce his partying and you don't like it, you just aren't on the same page personally and it isn't going to work. I'd avoid indicating that you think he's an alcoholic though. If you pathologise his social activities, you will instantly lose any ability to get him to see your side because he'll be angry at you.
No one is asking for relationship advice on staying or leaving. Please keep that to yourself
Well if his social activities are such a big deal she's calling him an alcoholic, I'd say they might not be compatible.
Angry at her or happy to play along with the alcoholic label as it makes her think he can't control what he's doing. Like how he's happy to go to a counsellor but pre warns her it may not work because it didn't work for his friends that are probably the same friends he's going out with. He leaves his car before going out so he has a reasonable state of mind to plan ahead, he knows what he's doing. He plans to go out and drink and go to these places but is trying to make out he loses control and doesn't make good decisions while drinking when its obviously planned.
True actually. Probably easier to go along with the idea it's an addiction if he's not going to change.
Have you considered that he could be ADHD? This is pretty common behaviours. Medication can be life changing