After 27 years I’ve told my partner I’m done. He sees nothing wrong with drinking from afternoon until the early hours of the morning, often going out with drinking friends and staggering home, collapsing into bed and spending the next day recovering. He works FIFO and whilst it’s never been this bad there’s been a recurrent issue over the years. I have a trauma background from alcoholic abuse as a child and I’ve finally been unable to cope with my anxiety off the charts and I’ve had to go back onto antidepressants. The kids are grown but still live at home and I have a professional job. I’m gutted that he’s chosen alcohol over me - the resentment he has towards me because I don’t drink like him (I’m a social bare minimum as my body reacts badly to alcohol) shows in the way he speaks to me and the disrespect towards me. He sees nothing wrong with his behaviour. How do I rebuild - I’m 60 this year and he is 8 years younger. I’m crushed that this is the result of my life with him.
2 Replies
You've already told him you're done and he still sees no problem. So give him the ultimatum to do something about it or move out because whether he feels like its ok or not, you dont and you deserve to be respected. Why should you and the kids move? It's easier for him to find somewhere for himself esp as he is not there all the time anyway.
It doesn't matter if he thinks you are the one with problem or if he believes he isn't hurting anyone, just know you are not and you deserve better and so do the kids. They may be grown but I'm sure the way he acts or the things he does or says affect them too. If he is too selfish and caught up in himself to see how it effects everybody else and unwilling to change that then he has already removed himself from the "relationship", so don't let him guilt you or offer empty promises.
If you still believe it is worth saving if he can get past this then tell him to go figure himself out seeing as that's all he cares about right now and when he's ready to make a change and actually be a part of the family again then you'll talk about where to go from here, but make him go stay with a friend or his extended family while he decides what he wants because if you don't put your foot down he will still believe that he can get away with whatever he wants.
If you are done done and want no more part of it then make that very very clear and stand your ground. You will figure out your next steps with the support (hopefully) of your children who are hopefully actually grown up enough to be of help and support. Find what makes you happy (yes it will take time and wont be easy, but the journey is worth it).
Stay in the house for now while you sort other things out and then if you want to move you can but if you try to change it all at once it will be even harder and your anxiety can spiral even to the point of depression because it's all too much.
Either way remember you are now the most important person. The Kids have grown (they'll always need mum but they don't need you like they did before), they have jobs/studies, cars, independence and probly run their own lives and make their own decisions now, so it's time to focus on mumma, because otherwise when they do need you, you'll be no good to anyone. If he chooses to be a part of this new stage of life then he can do it on your terms because I can almost guarantee you've been living life on his terms for far too long, where it's easier to just get out of the way, go with the flow, agree with him, do what he wants etc... because even if you do speak up he doesn't want to hear it or he disregards what you say, how you feel etc and makes you feel like it's all your fault and whilst raising kids and dealing with his situation you've lost yourself somewhere in there, and all those fun things you used to do and all the things you wanted to do/be/achieve, well some (if not all) of it has got lost along the way, and that's no way to live. If any of this doesn't resonate with you then please disregard (but it is very common in these situations), but if it does then I hope it helps give you the confidence to know that better things lay ahead for you if you want them and whilst it's never easy and it may be with or without him by your side, something has to change and that change starts now, no more waiting... be the change... and in 5/10 years time hopefully you'll look back and know you made the right decision to stand up and speak out.
Good luck and trust yourself xxx
Thank you - you are so very right