My partner and I are seriously talking about having a baby together, I have 2 girls (2&4) and he has a 8 year old boy. I have my girls 50% and we have his some with us every second weekend and half of school holidays.
We were together briefly when we were 17 & 18, we lost contact and reunited again last year after I separated from my husband.
We have been together ever since, He is the love of my life and we are so good together.
We can’t help but think of the “what if” with not having a child together, it is something we really want and I worry we may regret not doing it, but then the realities of life put a dampener on it. We have a beautiful home but he works away during the week and is away 3-4 nights a week.
I also lost my mum 3 months ago, and I really don’t have much support besides my partner (his parents live 1.5 hours away). I know that it will be a struggle to not have mum around.
I am 35 and know that the clock is ticking, I think our kids would be so excited to have another sibling (I am sure there will be some adjustments)
I guess I am just looking for other people’s perspective on this, I know it is our decision at the end of the day.
Adding a child to our blended family
Adding a child to our blended family
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage, Pregnancy, Kids
10 Replies
How long have you been together? I think the biggest mistake people make is having kids together too soon. The care you have is also not going to stay like that forever. So while life might be easier now in a year or two you could have all the kids full time, a new baby, a partner that works away and no support.
I understand the biological clock ticking however I would definitely not rush into bringing a baby into a newly blended family home. Give yourself time with your partner, concerning he doesn’t spend much time with his biological child I would seriously consider whether this is a good idea.
Ok, so my perspective as a completely unbiased outsider:
1. You've been through a separation and all the big changes that entails, the start of a new relationship, new living arrangements and the creation of this blended family dynamic all within the space of what, a year-ish?
Your kids have already taken a lot of adjustments in their stide recently.
2. You aren't the same people you were at 17/18. This relationship it still quite new and you are still getting reacquainted, you're also still in the honeymoon period.
3. Between you, you already have 3 children. By modern standards that's considered a bigger family. You've also got to think about the financial and practical aspects of having 4 kids.
4. Assuming you get pregnant within the next six months, are you ready to have 3 kids under the age of 5-6 without a great deal of support? If for whatever reason you were to become single again, would you cope? Custody arrangements and circumstances change, that means there's always a possibility that you could end up with the 3 current children for 75-100% of the time. Would a 4th child be manageable?
I guess at the end of the day, it's not something I'd be focusing on - at least not yet. I feel like you need to let things settle a bit more first. I think you need to have a really good think about what you want your future to look like and i think you both need to talk openly and honestly about the future as well.
I wrote my answer below before I read this lol we are in sync
No because 1 You only separated last year. 2 A mere two years ago you had a baby with another man 3 You are still in the honeymoon phase. 4 Enjoy what you have now, three kids. You have another couple of years if this yearning doesn't go away. Give yourself and your kids time to adjust to the new normal. Last year they lived with their father, this year a new man, don't add further complexities and give them time to process, esoecially the 8 year-old. Knowing each other as teens doesn't count as time together, you are adults, you have evolved, you are new people. There is absolutely no rule that says you have to have a baby with every man you cohabit with either. Imagine you do rush in and end up a single mum with 3 kids and 2 dads to deal with. This is your first relationship after your separation, you might have a few before you meet your person. I know it's cynical, but it's the reality. This could just be a rebound, a distraction and if you don't have any kids with him, easier to walk away, no permanent ramifications. Enjoy the love you have for each other, have fun with your little blended family, don't add a newborn at this point.
Your relationship is pretty new now, so the 'brief relationship ' when you were younger was obviously very brief. I wouldn't be adding more drama to my kid's life now if I were you.
Separated last year from husband, shacked up with a new guy, with a 2 and 4 year old who are doing 50/50 between two homes and your focus is on Mr Wonderful and having another kid?
Far out, those poor little kids.
You should go be by yourself for a while, learn to financially, physically and emotionally support your kids and put all your focus/energy into them and building a new life.
You can still date Mr Wonderful on your week off, but you really need to reassess your priorities, they are so skewed right now.
Oh BTW, what does "been together ever since" mean?
Please don't tell me you moved yourself and the kids from your marital home to Mr Wonderful's house?
You have little girls, you need to protect them, you're a predator's dream.
I honestly feel like you're currently in the calm before the storm, your living situation is just one change away from being hectic. The older your kids get the more complicated their feelings get. They might love a new sibling if you brought one home today, but what will they think in a year or two? If your ex also finds a new partner who has her own kids and they want more, is he going to continue 50/50? That's usually when they stop. Even if he continues with it, you still have 2 kids getting passed from home to home with changes constantly happening in both homes as they get older, this is where things get tough. Your partners son is also going to go through the same thing and is at the age where he might feel forgotten, replaced or rejected. Then you're dealing with behaviour issues from any of the kids which can cause issues between the two of you if you aren't on the same page. You will be home on your own a lot and be doing majority of the workload at home. His life will change from being the fun, stress free parent of an older child to an instant Dad of 3/4 kids with a bigger workload and not much fun. I would seriously wait and see how you all handle being parents of the kids you have for the next 2 or 3 years then decide.
agree, call me cynical but i can see her 50/50 going to 100 at some stage.
if they continue 50/50 (must be sooo hard on a 2 year old), those kids are going to grow up and may find it hard to adjust going from one home to the other, when they have their own stuff, bedrooms, friends, extra curricula etc.
plus to continue, they will always need to live close because of school, if he moves, 50/50 out the window.
if they end up with 100 custody, have another kid, plus visiting son, kids will need to share bedrooms, teens don't like that, plus son can't share with one of the girls when he's a teen etc.
she's not thinking long term or about the kids they do have, she's just in some ridiculous love bubble.
she's had the trauma of the break up with her children's father plus the loss of her mum, now is not the time to make serious, permanent life decisions. at the moment she has a 2 and 4 year old, has no idea how complicated things get as a blended family when kids get older, the girls may not even get along with the new partner. she needs to take a big step back and enjoy how things are and see how things go for a while.
Just curious, does your ex have any concerns about the kids and your life choices since breakup?
If he has 50/50, I'm assuming he's an active/caring parent.
He might even go for full custody if he feels you aren't taking the kid's best interest/welfare into consideration post breakup.
If my ex immediately moved in with a new partner post breakup and had 50/50 custody, I would have BIG concerns.