Partner hates me being close with my mum, he thinks we are too involved with each other and that we too talk much about personal things, like when the kids have dr appts or something of that kind. I also don’t drive so if he is working (which he now works away for 4+ days each week) my mum helps me get to appts (she is a stay at home mum to foster kids so we live similar lives), so of course if she is taking me to appts then it’s only natural that she’s asks how I went when I’m getting back in the car etc, and I know I should be more independent and get a license but I have health issues and at the moment that’s hard to do). He hates when we organise things with my sister in law and other brothers kids for the school holidays, he says he is always the last to know everything and that we have it all planned out before he knows, which isn’t true, if I get asked to do something i always run it past him and ask if he minds if we do go and do it, he will say that we have already planned it and don’t care about his opinion because it’s already sorted out, he says that when he is away I’m basically in a relationship with my mum, not true, we text through the week but we certainly don’t hang out and see each other, we went bowling tuesday and my sil wants to have a pizza night at her place on Friday and that’s it for the holidays, said he won’t need to come home and do anything with us because I’ve done it all already and we will just stay at home for his days off until he goes back to work, so in the 2 weeks school holiday period me doing 2 things with the kids is doing it all so he isn’t going to plan to do anymore with us as a family. Am I in the wrong for wanting to spend time with family for all the kids sake while he is away, or should I be expected to stay home until he is back for 3 days and try to squeeze it all around what he needs to get done? I just don’t see the issue with me spending time with family while he is away, it’s only my family, I don’t have any friends and if I did I can guarantee he wouldn’t like that either, in the 7 years of being together I have never once made him feel like he can’t spend time with his family or work mates or tell him he can’t go out and do anything. I’m at a loss, my mum is 67, I don’t want to push her away because he hates me talking/spending time with her that doesn’t interfere with my time with him whatsoever
6 Replies
Tell him you aren't going to push your mum away and ask him what might be able to change in your and his relationship that would make him feel more valued?
He works away, he feels like he's missing out on family life and it shows through his resentment of your family.
He feels like your mum is replacing him.
He feels like an outsider because you guys have all this going on and he's away and not around to make plans and gets told what's going on.
You need to find a way to reconnect, to make him feel like the important member of the family that he is, not just the working away ATM.
It's not your fault either, you're just getting on with life without him, the best you can.
If you sat around complaining/feeling sorry for yourself, that would be worst for him, trust me.
I dont know what would work because i dont know him, but some suggestions may be: going away as a couple eveyy few months, special date nights (even at home when kids are in bed), sexy texts whilst he's away, organising a family day doing what he loves (fishing, bushwalking, golf etc) and i guess just finding ways to show him how much youve missed him when he comes home and appreciate him. My dad used to work away and if I accidentally said you're going home, he would always correct me and say work.
It's hard for them, hard for us, he no doubt wants you and the kids to be okay when he's gone, but not too good lol
Maybe don't tell him everything you're doing on school holidays when he's away and have a lot of things "you want to do when he gets home with the kids".....a change in wording can make all the difference :)
Red flags 🚩 honestly he is trying to isolate you, by driving a wedge between you and your family. Often the start of cohesive control. Or he is horrifically insecure and antisocial..
If you don’t share your children I’d be out and if we did I’d also be out. Life is too short
Keep your time free for him when he's home as immediate family. When he's not home be with you mum and SIL as much as you want.
Good lord. He's trying to isolate you.
The part about sharing too much details with your Mum? Sorry, but to me that is 100% normal to do that. Heck my Dad and step Mum wanna hear those details too. Not because they are nosey but because they care and it's just a natural part of being a family.
Are you just supposed to wallow at home until his return from work? Like everything you do revolves around him?
Put it back on him and ask him to plan the time he's home for activities if he's feeling so left out.
But honestly, I would be seriously reconsidering my whole relationship if I were you. It's not healthy what he is doing.
You need to leave.