When you’re at a blokes place, and you see his mum go out somewhere at night, and ask him where’s she off to at this time of night, and he replies “probably her boyfriends place…looks like it’s the night for mums visiting their boyfriend tonight”, with a big smile on, is my sloooow ass correct in assuming he considers himself my boyfriend?
The reason I ask was the night before, we’d been just chilling in bed watching TV and talking, smoking etc and he looked at me and said “you really want all this?”, referring to being with him, even though he’s currently without a drivers licence (and hence a job), lives in a trailer on his parents property and struggles with addiction. He knows he’s got nothing to offer me at the moment. I met him when things were better and he was working and doing well.
I said yeah, I absolutely do want all of this, because I want you, and I know things aren’t gonna be like this forever.
I’m neurodivergent and don’t always pick up on social clues so thought I’d ask others.
43 Replies
Sweetheart know your worth.
Let him be. You can’t will him well, he has some work to do.
Huh?? He didn’t do anything bad here. I’m not trying to “will anyone well”, I’m explaining something. Everyone has work to do by the way.
Are you trying to tell me I shouldn’t date someone just because they’re struggling or not at a great time in their life? That I should only be with someone who’s got it all together?
Life is tough and you only get one.
Do you want to spend it on the roller coaster of someone else’s addiction?
That is exactly what I’m suggesting, don’t date someone who is in the grips of an addiction.
unless he's had an exclusive talk with you and expressed he wants to be in a relationship with you, no, i wouldn't take that alone as he is your boyfriend.
it was a tongue in cheek joke and i think you're taking it literally.
agree with the first commenter, know your worth.
But why would be allude to being my boyfriend at all? I don’t think ppl joke about that.
Also why would he have asked me the night before if I “wanted all this”, meaning him and his messy life, if he wasn’t interested in being my boyfriend?
To me it feels like he may not want to commit to you now because his life is a mess and he thinks he's not good enough for you, I mean he practically said it. A good man that lives with his parents would probably feel ashamed of his situation and not expect you to be his gf until he has something to bring to the table. The fact he hasn't made you his official gf to me is a good sign, he respects you and doesn't want to make it official until his circumstances are better. But also becareful of being the fall back girl, his crutches, because when people can walk again, what do they do with their crutches? Its hard to know without knowing him and you personally.
He doesn’t live with his parents he lives across the road.
it said he lives in a trailer on his parent's property, so if they own the land he lives on, he lives with his parents.
if they don't own it and they all just live at the same trailer park runnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
His mother lives in a house opposite.
Would you say the same if it was a girl living “at home” btw?
yesssss, i've been that girl, post divorce with 100 percent care of kids.
the last thing i was looking for was a relationship, too busy trying to sort my life out.
i bet he isn't trying to juggle 100 percent custody and work.
my circumstances were also no fault of my own, unlike his.
but i still knew where my focus needed to be and i was ashamed.
You didn't actually answer the question, if she owns the land.
Why would he say it? Are you serious? He would say it to keep the casual sex he's getting in his trailer whilst making zero actual effort with you.
And how do you know he doesn’t make any effort with me?
you sit in a trailer and smoke dope, he's hardly trying to make a good impression.
He might not have meant much by it!
You seem to not be seeing the bigger picture. Even he can see it. He's currently not in a good place, I think this is great if it's casual and you're both happy but I wouldn't let it get serious until he shows some signs of wanting to get his life back on track. In a year or so when the love bubble pops this will not be a fun situation at all. Maybe it all reminds you of your youth? Carefree and fun, there's even a Mum there. Play it safe for your kids.
Actually he was fully employed when we started seeing each other. He lost his licence for a few months (speeding) and will be able to get his old job back when he gets his licence back
It's not the job so much but addiction is a much bigger problem. He is where he is because of that, you need to set your standards for your kids sake. Everything else like the job etc will fall into place when he has controlled his addiction.
Lots of people struggle with addiction. Particularly to prescription pain meds. The addition isn't so much the issue. Instead it's whether he owns the addiction and does something about it
Addiction can ruin lives, it's not nothing. It usually involves relapses and can be hard on everyone involved, not just the person with the addiction. As a single mum, you need a guy who is going to enhance your life and make it easier, not harder. At least an equal!
Even the 12 step program has rules about not getting into relationships during recovery, I mean, is he even in recovery? He's smoking weed, is that his addiction or has he swapped to that? Are you really trying to get into a relationship with a guy in active addiction? Come on mate, you're better and smarter than that. You're having casual times with an addict, he will say anything to keep you coming around, don't try and morph it into something it isn't. Don't fall in love with potential, look at what is actually there in the present.
Yep. I'd definitely take it that way. I'm neurodivergent too and I'd just ask if I wasn't certain. But that's pretty certain.
I’d tread carefully with this guy, keep boundaries, don’t let him move in with you especially as you have children.
I suspect I'm ND and I've done the unconditional love thing way too many times. Was burnt so many times I've finally learnt my lesson. As long as you don't move him in, share finances or involve the kids, no harm, see where it takes you. One day you'll be burnt one too many times, but it's a lesson you have to learn yourself. People who have these types of problems as adults, it doesn't tend to be a one off, more a pattern, but only time will tell.
I didn’t ask for judgment on him as a person.
Just wanted an answer to my question.
That’s all.
I was not judging him but trying to point out that getting into a relationship with someone who has an addiction is not a good idea, especially when you have kids. Addiction affects your whole life, everything that he's going through now is because of addiction, probably even the speeding fines. If you get into a serious relationship with him your life will be affected the same way, if not worse because you have kids. You could even lose your kids. Do you want to be homeless, broke and not be able to see your kids? Possible DV? Look to the future and be realistic. Most people are trying to end relationships with people like this not start them.
also, things like credit scores can be ruined...
My own credit score is trash. I guess k don’t deserve a relationship either. Pt everyone cares about credit scores
My son is 18. Hardly a kid. He’s met him. Likes him. And I’ve had an addiction in the past too. I also speed. I’m on what’s called the golden point, so I’m being careful.
I don’t give him money. He didn’t ask. Never has. He had a job up to a few months ago and as soon as his licence suspension is up he’s back to work. DV indeed. He’s the gentlest man I know. Wish someone had mentioned DV when I married the ex husband. No one suspected that a male preschool teacher would be like that though, did they.
Why wouldn't a pre school teacher be capable of DV? It's not about what job they have.
What kind of addiction does he have? Alcohol, meth? There is a heightened risk of DV.
i think you sound like a great match since you have further clarified, in fact, a match made in heaven
what were you guys smoking btw in the trailer?
Weed, if you must know.
So how old are you two?
Sitting around smoking weed in a trailer?
You, am I his gf, am I not? No adult conversation about the future and where this is going.
None of you own your own homes?
Do you not care about your credit history?
Do you not aspire to buy one?
Does your son smoke weed?
Proud to say you speed and endanger the lives of others.
You sound like a couple of immature teenagers.
Fcking and smoking weed in a trailer does NOT = dating, that's very clear, to answer your question.
No matter how many jokes he makes, carrots he dangles in front of you, head games he plays to get your hopes up, until you have an adult conversation (sober/not stoned) and he says he's committed, assume he's not.
I'm going to add, based on your responses, that you are clearly very intelligent and well-educated.
I'm not sure why you are choosing the life you are, but I'm going to assume life hasn't been kind to you.
It's never too late to turn the bus around.
Why are you introducing your son to him… You aren’t even together?? You took your son around his trailer? Was he stoned when they met? How do you explain these poor life choices to an impressionable 18-year-old?
Keep kids out of your relationship till you’ve been together officially For a few few months at the least!!
You say he had a job until a few months ago when he lost his license and he will go back to a job in a few months. This means he lost his license for 6 months… This means he was absolutely majorly speeding well over 45km to lose his license for so long. I just googled the speed. That’s so scary and he could’ve killed people.
Why can he not get a casual job for six months in the meantime? Gardner Handyman? Lawn mower? Pack shelves? Work in a bar / restaurant / cafe / shop? Deliver new papers? Anything? Instead he chooses to smoke pot in a trailer. He’s not bettering his life now, so when will he do that? How can you have a future with someone who isn’t doing anything positive in their life to turn it around??
Hi lovely,
While this man may be absolutely checking in to see if you are 'all in' please take it very slowly 🐌
I am only saying this because you do not want him to choose you out of dependency. You want him to choose you when he is at his best, strong, clear headed and as an equal. So absolutely still be there but keep your wits about you so you do not end up getting hurt x
I feel after saying "you really want all this" to you, tells me he feels maybe your too good for him. Addicts are addicts even when clean. It's a life long disease. That is a lot of baggage to carry. It sounds like he wants a relationship but doubts his worth. Flat out Ask him, "are we dating" also Ask yourself
What is he doing to find work or get a licence
Has he got goals for the future
Is he in a program for his addiction and have a sponcer or seeking coucelling
What does he do for you to make you feel special
Other then hooking up, do you spend time together and socialise with his or your friends.
Does he want you to spend time with his or your family
If he has no desire to help himself out of the slump, maybe friends with benefits is all it should be. But of he's actively trying to help himself...If you care about him, and feel it's worth it, go for it.
the irony
You sound extremely defensive around this guy. I'd like to see your perspective in 5 years time when you've experienced everything you're dreaming of right now.
Why are you even asking strangers on the internet? How are we going to know if he's your boyfriend.
Be a grown up and ask him. It's the bare minimum really.
If his name is Adam and this is right outside of Canberra. Run!
If his name is Adam and this is right outside of Canberra. Run!
If his name is Adam and he lives right outside of Canberra - RUN