Update…..booking has been made. In fake name. I want to send her a message. What do I say?
Husband was into swinging prior to meeting me.
He promised that has stopped since we have been together as I am not into that. We have been together 3 years and live together.
He has an accommodation business and regularly had couples or groups there for their “play dates/sex parties”.
I believe it has stopped however there are some that have stayed in touch. There is one particular couple who have kept in touch and they are constantly messaging wanting him to continue with them. She still sends him pics I would say are inappropriate which he said is because he used to be in that “lifestyle”.
They have their private group chat and regular phone calls which I am not a part of I only know what I am told. He’s asked me to meet them but I don’t feel comfortable knowing that she still wants him to join them and has even suggested I join in.
Now they are wanting to come and stay again. He has said he will ask me if I’m ok with this and she has then said don’t worry about asking and we will just book under a false name and then told him they want him to join them in the bedroom again and I wouldn’t need to know.
They’ve told him me not wanting them staying there is a huge red flag and he should question our relationship. We live in a fairly sizeable city so there are plenty of other places they could stay.
What do I do or say to my partner about this. It’s not that I don’t trust him. I don’t trust her. I’ve not mentioned it again in the hope he will just decide to do what he feels is right.
Surely my feeling are more important if he’s not longer doing this.
8 Replies
You don't have to trust her. You have to trust your partner.
But, he should be putting boundaries in place & telling her to stop with the photos & requests, and cutting her off if she doesn't.
It's a personal opinion, but think if he's into that lifestyle it'll eventually rear it's head again, so be prepared for that.
The real red flag here is the lack of boundaries he has with these people! Also, he is still part of the swinging scene by keeping in contact with this couple and for entertaining the boob pics and propositions.
He might not be sexually engaging with them but he's muddying up those waters real good!
This has clusterfuck written all over it and I would proceed very cautiously.
He is still in the swinging scene! Get rid of him because this will always be an issue. If you haven’t already, I would be seeing a dr for a full sti screen.
He will never see your relationship expectations as normal/acceptable because he’s been in the swinging scene.
This is an incompatiblity issue where he will claim you are insane and controlling and you will never be able to trust him so will start to feel like you are loosing your mind.
Time to end it. He will never get it.
One partner will never be enough for him because he likes the lifestyle and he didn't stop because he doesn't like it, but because of you.
He can only ignore those desires for so long, before they rear their ugly head, because this is who he is.
When the shiny honeymoon stage ends, it will get harder and harder.
If you aren't into it, set him free, that's what dating is for, there is no middle ground on this one.
You two are fundamentally incompatible on a very basic level, this will never work or if it does, he will be denying a part of himself and will become resentful.
When people have to change themselves drastically to be in a relationship, it has a use by date.
I would also say your boundaries have already moved drastically, due to his previous lifestyle.
They chat and she sends boob pics, which is okay because they aren't having sex.
When has there ever been a time when the guy you're with has received boob pics and chatted with another woman and you've been okay with it?
Standards dropping, is he worth losing yourself?
You said it yourself. IF he's no longer doing this. Going off what you've written here, I would say he's still in it or in the very least leaving the door open to go back to it. If he was truly done with it, he wouldn't be okay with this woman saying what she is and disrespecting your boundaries. I'd wager he's playing an entirely different game to you sweet girl and I'm so sorry you find yourself in this situation 😔
So he's allowing her to speak badly about you and on a regular basis. That alone is enough disrespect. He has a lack of boundaries and is either a. Gutless or b. Still in the lifestyle.