I’m in a relationship with someone who has been badly hurt in the past. His first love cheated on him and ended up marrying the other bloke, and they’re now raising his daughters together. His second partner also cheated on him. As a result, he has severe trust issues and finds it hard to accept that I love him exactly as he is, won’t he looking for “someone better”, and doesn’t feel he can give me as much as I deserve.
He told me ages ago when we first started talking that when he’s falling in love he pulls away because every other time he’s been in love, he’s ended up with his heart broken and doesn’t want to experience that again, understandably.
And yes, he’s pulled away from me on occasion and then panicked at the thought I might not come back.
He’s told me he loves me and I know he does. Love is not a word this man throws around casually.
How do I navigate a relationship with someone who is insecure, has trust and abandonment issues and who pulls away?
Don’t tell me to leave him, I love him. He’s also the most wonderful human being I’ve ever met, his kindness, his integrity and intelligence outshine anything else, and I’m not going to be hurting him for anything.
Loving an emotionally damaged person
Loving an emotionally damaged person
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage, Mental Health, Anxiety & Depression
14 Replies
He needs to see a psychologist. The only person that can help him, is him. A lot of us have crap relationship histories, but we choose to do the work and recover rather than punishing a new partner.
Unless he is getting professional help, or decides to truly dedicate himself to healing (and that often involves being single for a period of time so you can truly learn to be healthy) he will continue to play this push pull toxic cycle.
It’s not your job to make up for others bad behaviour, just like if you were physically abused it wouldn’t be his job to constantly reassure you he isn’t going to abuse you.
Plus if he is engaging in other coping mechanisms like drugs or alcohol he can’t heal. Because those substances don’t allow him to process things in a genuine way. They will keep him stuck in a cycle because drugs and alcohol muddle the mind, increase paranoia and increase feelings of anxiety. So until he gets help for those issues he will never get better and will cycle downwards making your life hell, you will be walking on egg shells.
It’s sucks but he will push you away and continue to behave in crap ways towards you until you have no choice to leave, and then say ‘I told you so’. But that’s not your fault!!!!
Nor is it is exes fault. Cheating is shit but it’s his reaction to what’s happened that’s genuinely terrible.
People have terrible terrible things happen in there lives and they don’t choose to treat there new partners badly. They get help if they need it. If he isn’t choosing to get help. That’s on HIM
Are you the same poster who is in love with a meth addict? I appologise if I'm wrong, but this post seems very similar to that one, but with the meth part left out.
No this isn’t. Maybe there are more damaged men out there than you realise
the other posts didnt say meth, just that he is an addict, i think.
def same person.
The other post said pot lol
Not the same person actually
She knows the OP said she's a different person. There is a person that comments on here that thinks she knows the author of every post though. I deleted 1 of mine a few months back because she got really angry about a situation that was not what I was asking about and refused to believe that it was a different OP . I hadn't omitted details information, she was creating a whole backstory that has nothing to do with my post. She actually became abusive when I tried to explain that
I think I’ve encountered that person also! She got really angry when I told her that she’s wrong and she actually swore at me
it said they were smoking weed in the trailer, but never actually said that weed was the actual addiction.
this again urghhh leave out he's an addict in an attempt to get the answers you want
I beg your pardon???
You know that there is more than 1 man in the world that has been hurt in past relationships right? It's a different person.
OP... Just treat it like every other relationship. Earn his trust by being trustworthy. Just ensure that he's also earning your love by treating you well. Pulling away from you semi frequently is not treating you well. Voicing that X is something that increases his anxiety so that you can put his mind at ease would be a lot healthier and I would establish how I expect to be treated the same way I would with anyone else.
E.g. you have a girls weekend and he thinks that you might cheat. Instead of him hurting you, your could instead agree to let him know how your day is going with an SMS so that he doesn't get intrusive thoughts about worst case scenarios
He’s not though???
Dependent relationships are really unhealthy. You want someone to choose you when they know what they are doing and are in the right headspace. Not because they need you but because they want to share a happy functioning life with you. This man has lots of work to do on himself, you are taking the place of his nurturer/mum. Do not do this to yourself! It's not healthy at all x