Needing help with relationship or mental health, at this point I have no idea what I need help with, I don’t know if I need a counsellor or a psychologist or Dr or what. I e been having issues with my partner for years, 7 to be exact, he comes across as emotionally abusive, controlling etc. if I tell him I’ve heard from my mother/bestfriend/brother/cousin/aunty whoever! He will ask what they wanted, and then what I replied and then what they replied and then what I said back and so forth, it never ends until I tell him the conversation has ended, I’ve now got to the point where I have my contacts muted so he he doesn’t hassle me when my wife home gets a message, and I know that isn’t healthy for our relationship to lie like that but I don’t feel like I have any other choice, I never keep secrets or be secretive around any conversation I have with anyone but I feel like him asking the whole context of the whole conversation is a little too much, he will even comment with “are you still texting them, what else is there to text about it’s been going all day”, if I go down the street with my mum he will keep messaging and ask me what’s taking so long and it doesn’t take all to do one thing etc. I feel like I’m always on watch or on a time limit, I can’t just be myself, sorry for the rant, I could keep going on about our issues and no I’m not perfect but I’m not controlling either, he goes out from time to time with work mate etc, in 7 years I’ve never gone out at all unless it’s with him which has only been 3/4times without our kids. I need to talk to someone but I’m not sure where to start or who to go to, do I need referrals from the Dr, do I even need to tell the Dr or I can just make an appt with a counsellor or psychologist? I’m scared I’m just going to cry and not even be able to get out what I’m wanting to say and I’ll just feel like a fool. Sorry for the rant, but thank you for reading if you got this far x
3 Replies
Start with your GP. They will be able to advise you on who can help you best, and will be able to give you a mental health care plan for 10 appointments with a psychologist and have a Medicare rebate.
Talk to your family and friends about what’s been happening. This way you will have support if you decide to leave, and he can’t twist things putting the blame on you leaving you without support.
Give 1800 respect a call, or another DV support service in your area. Do it away from the house, with someone else’s phone. He demands to know who you’ve spoken to and what the conversations were about, so I wouldn’t be surprised if he also goes through your phone without your knowledge. They will be able to give you advice on how to safely leave if that’s what you eventually decide to do once you’ve started treatment for your mental health.
Another option is to look for free DV counselling in your area. We had them attached to our neighbourhood centre. Just sit down and have a chat to them about what controlling behaviour looks like. If you feel it's not for you, then GP and Psych but I have sometimes found some Counsellors who specialise in this area more helpful.
I also saw a social worker at Centrelink who was a massive help when planning to leave.
I think there's some big red flags around controlling behaviour. Is he also controlling your finances?
My therapist told me to go for a walk around the block to test him. I was terrified. I went for a walk and he carried on about who I was meeting up with and accused me of all sorts of things! My therapist told me he was definitely a bully.
I left mine many years ago... thank goodness
This was me about 5 years ago. I was married for 17 years. I couldn’t go anywhere and relax as I was either harassed about where I was and what I was doing, or given the silent treatment when I got home, sometimes for days. It got to a point that it was too hard to go anywhere which was exactly what he wanted. He controlled finances, everything. I had to take months to prepare to leave as I didn’t have access to money, so I had to plan for months and buy gift cards etc when grocery shopping as that was the only time I was able to use a credit card. I still sometimes can’t believe that I allowed it to get to that point, but I did and it was covert so over time it just escalated. I ended up seeing a DV counsellor for months before I left, at the time I even thought that was ridiculous, as I was in denial about the situation I was in, and allowed myself to stay in. Thankfully the counsellor saw through everything that was going on and made me see it. It took a while and several sessions before I could be honest with myself about it. I ended up leaving, which was scary in itself as I had been told I would be hunted down if I ever left. Empty threats though as I am now out for 5 years and it was the best thing I’ve ever done, albeit hard at times, especially financially. I’m not saying that’s what you need to do or want to do, but from what you’ve posted, there are some red flags there for sure. I would suggest a DV counsellor who can talk you through this, and either help you set healthy boundaries in the relationship, or assist you with preparation to leave. All the very best to you xxxx