Hi,
I have been separated for going onto 6 years now, from a narcissistic man who destroyed me for over 8 years in our relationship and who continues to successfully do so, even now. I have completed parenting courses, conflict in family courses, emotional training, shark cage/DV courses, and many counselling sessions throughout relationship, and since separating. I have come a long way with healing.
Most of my healing comes from ignorance, and/or gray rocking, as we can't change a person, only our reactions. This has proving to be just as toxic in my circumstances.
After 8 plus years in a mentally abusive relationship and the last 6 yrs trying to recover, but also still living with the abuse, since we now coparent, I am coming to a point in my life where no matter what I do, how positive I am, how strong I hold my boundaries, there always comes a point that he breaks me down, often with the assistance of the kids (they know no better, they were raised around this toxicity). Essentially these courses help me ignore the problem until I have a breakdown, not actually deal with, or elevate the ongoing problem - whether that is even possible? Our youngest is 8yrs, so still a while to go.
I feel like the courts, government, and support services are essentially telling me its ok that he abuses me, I just have to learn how to live with it happily. I get this to an extent, I mean, I have pushed through many mental states of mind and have definitely been on, and still get on, the band wagon of "he can do what he wants to me, and I will not let him affect me". I have even tried advocating this to other women that might not be as far along as I am in the healing process, however, is it even possible for one to cop ongoing abuse without a break, and be, ok?
We have equal care; however, financials and responsibility lie with me, 100% - not because we agreed on this, but because I am the default parent who takes responsibility and will not let our children down and ensure they don't go without. I have accepted this.
Our children, especially the older 2, have no respect for me, they call me an asshole, they get angry at me (with dad) when I try pull them up and/or discipline for bad behavior (vaping, getting picked up by cops at 4am, sending nudes, and more) and some of their behaviors is so much like their fathers, that its actually quiet triggering for me. I am the shit underneath the fly.
I know they love me dearly. They confide in me with what they deal with from Dad (which is much the same as the abuse that I cop), I am their safe place, there comfort place, however they struggle to show any respect. I can't blame them, the first 7/8yrs of their lives they watched their father belittle, abuse, blame, downgraded, and much more to their mother, it was practically "normal" to treat mum like shit, seems to still be.
I don't know what benefits there are to sharing a minute part of my story, if there are any at all, perhaps I do just have to live with it, ignore it, and accept that the abuse will always be there, however I am feeling pretty well DONE, and surely this can't be the rest of my life?
Thanks. Anom xx
14 Replies
Benefits to sharing your story, for other women, LEAVE when the kids are young or you're setting them up to become abusive like their parent and they will also behave in ways that may ruin their future. Instead of focusing on school work and their future, they're acting out of control.
Can you do counselling WITH your kids?
Have the kids done counselling at all, or just you?
If the kids aren't happy going and suffer there, can you pull the pin on visits. Are they old enough to decide?
No offence, but i'm more concerned about the kids and the fact that they still have to stay with their abusive father than you dealing with abuse every now and then.
How can they recover from the poison when they are still being exposed to it?
you got to leave, theyre still living with it.
I definitely have concerns for the children, we are currently going through a lengthy court matter which is mentally exhausting as well. My mental state is very important though, to ensure my kids get the support they need, which is almost daily. The courts are all for equality for mum and dad, over the best interest of the children, and it's proven difficult to get any beneficial support. However, I hold my head up strong and continue, hearing is set for next year.
The kids have been convinced they do not need counselling, besides this, I have tried taking them tens of times over the years, as well as having them involved with the school counsellor, when there is one. Unfortunately, these support services will not engage with children that don't want to be there, and its the first question they ask, before even determining any risks and/or issues. Stupid systems.
They are unltimately guilted by dad, and easily manipulated by dad, saying what he wants to hear, so they don't get in trouble.
I am fighting strong, and will not stop fighting for my kids, however again, I need to be healthy to be able to do this. The older kids are getting old enough to decide, 12&13, however are too scared to say anything to him. When it comes to the ICL, they aren't asked the right questions, and the kids are usually with me, so not experiencing the abuse in the moment.
The children are like me, when I was in a relationship. When things are OK, we are happy, we forget the abuse, when things go upside down, we are scared, we are quiet, and we want to run away.
At this stage, I can only help my kids when under my care, and unfortunately their behaviour can be triggering, however I do anything for these kids, knowing full well the toxic life the poor kids have been exposed to thus far.
I guess my question, is for all of us, not just me. The assumptions precieved thus far, is that court does not recognise any of our abuse, and wants us to manage it better, but no accountability for the abuser.
Thanks x
Hey there,
I know exactly what you mean and believe me unless a woman has lived it, she does not have a clue!
Read about flying monkeys and abuse by proxy and try to find resources on how to manage this.
I left and his abuse only eased off over 6 years later once my teens started to distance themselves from him and now they barely see him by choice. He also now realises he cannot use them anymore so doesn't bother even trying to see them.
I would be definitely considering counselling for the kids that focuses on boundaries, identifying healthy relationships and toxic/manipulative/gaslighting etc. and helping your kids to find ways of managing the mental/emotional abuse that he will continue. My daughter now calls out her dad on his bs but that's because I made sure she did not have to see him. Hopefully there aren't any court orders in place that force your kids to continue to endure the abuse. I emphasised my kids having a choice.
I made sure my kids all had phones and told him he could start contacting them directly and minimised all contact. He would still send abusive rants telling me I was a shit mother but I ignored them as much as possible and at most would reply with contact them directly. I do not respond at all anymore and it has helped.
I would be aware of your own triggers as well. It's so hard not to be after enduring years of abuse. People do not understand PTSD and think once women leave they are fine which is completely wrong. You cannot recover when you are still going through it. So try to find ways of grounding yourself when you recognise you are triggered. It's really hard but try to be that consistent, stable person for your kids. Even if you have to walk into a room to breathe or go for a quick walk alone.
Make sure to make time for happiness in your home. Whether it be playing games, dancing, watching a movie etc. Let your kids see a happy mum too <3 Remember, you are not just your trauma. Enjoy discovering who you are again and let the kids recognise there is way more to you than what he says there is. They will eventually question.. trust me x
I've been through it, trust me, and my number 1 priority was to minimize the kid's contact with the disordered person.
I could write a book on narcissistic abuse and cluster b personality disorders, but the priority should be counselling WITH the kids and helping them navigate this.
All her focus seems to be is on her own healing, whilst the kids are still in the fire.
It does take years to recover, but recovery is only possible when you get some distance between yourself and the toxic personality and whilst she has, the kids haven't.
She can refuse his calls, ignore his correspondence etc. but they are stuck in a house with him.
Don't try to minimise other people's viewpoints, it comes across very arrogant and presumptuous.
Your post comes across arrogant and presumptuous. How do you suggest I get the kids away from him, with the obvious fact of him being their father and having equal rights?
I am a woman and a human being, this post is asking for support for myself so I can keep afloat for the sake of my children. My life is 100% my children.
I am in my second family matter in court, this one has been ongoing since February 2023. I've provided evidence of abuse, irresponsible parenting, and keep my case solely on the children's best interest, not myself, like this ONE post that I have actually asked for some support for myself. Pretty disheartening that the one time I am asking for support for myself, I get this response. This is probably exactly why I never ask for support.
I am a rule abiding citizen, follow court orders, and am petrified of how else this man can manipulate our lives. I have withheld the children before at their request. I was told I was keeping them hostage, and that it would not help my case in court.
If you actually have been through, what I am going through, can you provide beneficial advise. Further degrading is not beneficial.
If they don't want to go, don't send them and I told him very firmly they don't want to come. If he takes it further, they need to be strong enough to say, I'm not coming. What we realised, a lot younger than your kids is, he can't physically make them come. At your kids ages, itwil be so much easier, as they will get a say. Whatever happens in court, doesn't matter because as I said if kids refuse to go, there's nothing that can be done. So you need to get your kids to that point where they pointblank say no. How? Another male mentor? Some form of counselling, you have to get them to do it. A slow fade to start with can work well, sorry have so and so on, can't come. But most importantly a belief in you, when you tell them they dont have to go, they believe you. That they just need to stand with you when you tell him they don't want to go. when the kids voice they don't want to go, the wholedunic changes. The ego is hurt and they respond in two ways, suck up to the kids and stop the nonsense, knowing kids won't come back or they run away with their tale between their legs, with very little contact going forward. Your kids need to see you stand up to him, not in court but real time. At this point you need to earn their respecti and trust. My kids knewbery early on and so did he that certain things will not be tolerated and all hell wibteak loose if he did these things. It got to the point that he didn't want to deal with me lol
Thry are only tough until you don't care what they say to and about you and when you and the kids start standing up to them. They don't like losing the power and it makes them weak. They also get bored when nothing they do or say affects any of you.
Another trick, act like you have lots of plans when the kids are with him, living your best childfree life, they hate that ... All of a sudden they can't have the kids for this reason or that reason.
When they are abusive on the phone, say sorry, can you repeat that, I'm going to put you on speaker so insert family member or friend can hear too, I can't believe what I'm hearing. Out them constantly, they hate that too.
Their self esteem is so shaky, even a greeting like, hi, whats wrong with you? Just tired or really sick? I don't want the kids going if you're sick, don't want them catching it.
It's like the death of their ego by a thousand cuts, tiny little jabs. Theyre very sensitive to energy, they see the changes in you, you become someone that can hurt their ego, they become more careful, you also no longet give them the reactions that boost them.
Please be careful about not sending them! I have had more than one woman put on a good behaviour bond for not adhering to the court orders. One child was approx 15 and she copped it for not forcing him. I am so sorry that this is happening to you. Mine was relentless and I have no contact at all and yet he is still hellbent on trying to destroy me. He can never get over the fact that I left him. You know better than anyone what he is capable of. Some people just do not get it.
What the family court and government systems fail to recognise is that an abusive person that has abused, will continue to abuse. And very rarely will they acknowledge or change their behaviour. So what can we do?
You're doing all the right things mumma bear. Have faith in yourself. There is hope. Don't ever let that go.
Grey rocking is the only way. And yes that too pisses narcissistic people like this off too. It's virtually impossible not too, they are always looking for a slither of a crack.
Just keep smiling back. They can't figure that one out.
Keep being that rock for your kids. And also keep firm boundaries in place. This is love. This is being a good parent. You're a fantastic mum and you know it. Yes, we all have our moments, but it's an almost (yes almost) impossible task.
I've been through this, am going through this too. I get it.
I've got no solutions for arsehole proofing our lives I'm sorry.
I know you're anonymous and so I am, but maybe we shouldn't be. Support is what we need. And a change in court orders would be a blessing wouldn't they!
Good luck mumma bear. You've still got this.