I'm thinking of calling it a day with one of my close friends of 16yrs. But I just need to know how you would all deal with this situation.
She's a feral drunk when she drinks. She always tries to make every event about her. We went to watch a band play in town together and she was already blind maggot drunk when I went to pick her up to go to it. My heart sank as I wondered if I'd be in for a rough evening. And I was. She screeched and screamed the entire event , and the people in the rows behind us were seething. We could all hear her louder than the show for the entire time. I was so embarrassed that I suggested we leave a little early . She agreed, so we left 10 - 15mins before the end of the event.
But .... She wanted to go clubbing. I just wanted to go home. But I was worried about her safety so I decided against my better judgement to just drive her home , and we caught an Uber into town. When i got out the uber, I couldn't believe my eyes when she reached into the front seat and sexually molested the uber driver without consent. She had her hand in places she shouldn't and she was French kissing him. The guy just sat there stone cold. Eventually she got out and I appologised profusely to him for her behaviour. I was so angry at this, and mortified.
That night she got us kicked out of 2 Venus- including the Casino for her drunken shenanigans. We ended up at another club where I tried to baby sit her the rest of the night. The bouncers let us stay ONLY because I was the sober one keeping her in line, but there was only so much I could do. As I was sitting down in the beer garden for a breather, I looked up and saw her force herself into a French kiss with a girl in her low 20s. Then I saw her trying to do the same thing to a woman in her 60s. I heard the older woman say no, and my 'friend' slurred to her 'if you don't kiss me now I'll bash your f***ing head in'. My friend and I are both in our late 40s. I was so annoyed, I appologised to the older woman. I eventually got my friend home and I went home.
I tried to forget about it but 10 months later I turned 50 and had a big party. I invited her. Big mistake. My husband works in a party venue in the city so we hired the place for the evening. We had a photo booth and it was a magical night with adults and kids alike.
Until ... my 'friend' got herself blind drunk again. Her own husband went home infuriated with her behaviour. But after he left she got worse.
She flashed her boobs in the photo booth where families with children were also getting pics taken. Luckily my husband was onto it and deleted her boob pics before the photos downloaded to people's phones ( as that's how it works). As the night wore on after the families with kids left, she got herself locked out from bar drinks because she was absolutely skunk drunk. The events manager said the only reason we weren't kicked out is because my husband works there.
So this 'friend' of mine topped it all by stealing everyone else's drinks off their tables and drinking them when she was shut off from the bar. She then started talking loudly across the table about things forbidden - like disclosing secrets to everyone within ear shot about another person there that she knew. She tried to sexually molest my 24yo son next. He pushed her away. She then said to my husband- which we all heard 'if you were single would you be with me' then right in front of our eyes she grabbed his crotch not once but twice. He got up and told me the party is over we are leaving. So we closed down and had to leave my own party because she was just wild and out of control. She was beyond listening to anyone.
All my other friends were put off by this woman and over half of them had never met her before that night.
The next day she rung to appologise for 'gropping' my husband' but appologised for nothing else. She said she was embarrassed by her behaviour and asked me to forgive her. Then she proceeded to tell me she took one of my male guests home for sex. I found it was actually true.
If you've got this far thank you.
But I'm done with the appology. I can't do this anymore and I want to cut her off. She's an amazing friend when she isn't drinking but I'm so done. I can't be friends with someone like this. She's not like this at every event, but I'm not playing Russian Roulette about it anymore. A 16yr friendship down the drain.
Wwyd?
14 Replies
I would either stop inviting her or specify that she is only invited if she's not drinking and explain what you have written above.
She doesn't believe it's as bad as we say.
Then I'd stop seeing her
She is way too much work. I made an idiot out of myself drinking once and I learnt from it by cutting back and controlling myself. She has a problem if she can't control herself at her age. I would cut her out, she ruined your birthday and basically abused your husband and your son. How would you feel if your husbands friend did all this but he kept inviting him to things?
I agree with you 100%.. well put. And thank you for your feedback x
If someone has a negative impact on your life, cut them out, or stipulate she's only to attend if not drinking. They'll also start affecting your other friendships. I made it clear to one friend I wasn't attending anything a particular friend of hers was attending, because of their disgusting behaviour (not alcohol, just a vile person).
As a friend, you will have to tell her why. Yes, she'll be unpleasant about it. But maybe it'll shock her into doing something. Maybe not.
This approach hasn't worked, unfortunately. She just doesn't believe it's as bad as we are saying.
Well if you've tried then you've been a good friend. Time to stop inviting her, unfortunately.
I had a similar friend and I have no regrets ending the friendship. I tried discussing her drinking over the years but nothing really changed as she has a drinking problem and wouldn’t stop. I started to resent having to babysit my adult friend, it wasn’t fun for me. The drunken behaviour continued for a long period of time and unfortunately she lost many friends because of her behaviour.
Yes, it's headed this way for me too. It's such a shame because my family loved her but she can't even behave around them. It's so hard to reason with an alcoholic. She never used to be this bad but I just think alcoholics get worse over time.
The drunken sexual assaults would be hard for me to get past even if she decided to get sober and clean up her life.
Some things can't be undone and that's one of them! I've been assaulted in this was by a very drunk person, it's not something that ever leaves you.
You are well within your rights to cut her off, you have been patient and understanding (more than many other people would have been too i might add). Sounds like you have also tried to address this with her before to no avail. You're allowed to just be done!
If she were my friend, I'd simply stop taking her calls and texts. At this point she's owed no explanation and frankly, if she needs one after all this you'll be wasting your time anyway. I also tend to think silence speaks far louder than words sometimes.
Let her hit rock bottom and sort her own shit, you move on and focus your energy on the people in your life who respect you.
This friendship would be done for me. I would be telling her she needs to reassess her drinking as she has a problem and she is offensive when she drinks.
It doesn’t matter how long you have been friends, we all change and grow. Clearly she hasn’t and doesn’t want to.
I went through a stage in my early 20s of getting rotten drunk, I was ashamed by my behaviour. At 25 I stopped drinking, still went out and had fun but stopped drinking. It was great. I’m now in my 40s and I have a drink or two every now and then but I didn’t touch a drink for 10 years. If a young 20 year old can grow and change then she should be able to as well.
That is pretty gross behaviour.
She not only SA multiple people including your Son and Husband (twice!!), was indecently exposing herself to young children, ruined your party, which you have to end early but she also could have put your husband job/career in jeopardy.
It would have been enough for me years ago. It you still want her friendship it would be happening at non alcohol events and if she is already drunk then you send her home asap or leave yourself
Boundaries. Tell her that when she drinks she is not the friend you love and not someone that even she would be proud of. Ask her what she would do if the situation were reversed. Then tell her you love her but she needs help and in future you will not be spending time with the stranger she becomes when she drinks. Tell her you will only be spending time with her sober moving forward and then reaffirm because I love you when you're really you. Then make sure you follow through on setting those boundaries with her. If she cannot respect them or seek help, then it's time to move on without her. Also consider offering to attend AA meetings with her at the start if she admits she needs help and support 💗