Hi Village! My son will be 18 at the end of March. He doesn't have a job and he doesn't go to school. He lacks motivation to do anything with his life but is by no means a dummy! I have had the last 11yrs dealing with his truancy from school, suspensions, one arrest which resulted in community service and general laziness. It was taking a toll on my relationship (not his father) so I moved us to our own place. I gave him 2 yrs to get his crap together. The first year was a write off. This year started well but has since gone to crap too. He ruined the opportunity of an apprenticeship and has just been informed that he will be losing his P1 license for 6 months due to speeding. I have supported him in every way I can to become a constructive member of society, but I have failed. He will not attend or engage with a counsellor or GP. Lord knows I've tried! He has ruined all the relationships with his family. My land agent has offered another 12 months on the lease but I want to move back in with my partner. Rent is $400 a week which is a lot of my wage gone. I'm at the point that I can't sustain keeping the rental just for him to bum around for another 12 months and him moving in with my partner and I is not an option. If I don't sign the lease, he will be homeless. I'm conflicted. If I keep supporting him, he will never learn to be an adult, but I don't want to see him homeless either. I've told him I'm not signing the lease and he thinks I'm bluffing. I've had 11 years of this crap and I'm done! Just looking to hear from others who have had to cut their kid loose to save their sanity and make them accountable.
3 Replies
I've been in this position. Did all of the above and even more. To cut a looooong story short, we enrolled him in a youth hostel with trained staff on duty 24/7. With their support he got a job, and learned millions of other life lessons. He listened. He engaged. 2 yrs later, he came home. He went there when he was 18 - 20. He is now 25years old and is manager of a fast food chain. He is still at home but is a pleasure to have around now.
Sometimes something like this is needed. I was at my witts end too.
So your partner couldn't deal with or live with your then misguided 15 year old son?
Your partner could have supported you and stepped up, but he chose to step out.
Cut the fair weather partner lose and get your kid into headspace, he doesn't need more nagging, he probably needs mental health support.
FFS your kid is 17, no, you don't cut them loose and leave them homeless SMH
"If I keep supporting him, he will never learn to be an adult".....OMFG, he is NOT even an adult yet.
How about let him reach adult status FIRST and then give him a bit of time after that before you decide he's not adulting right.
"I gave him two years to get his life together", what, from age 15 to 17 years old you expected this kid to figure out his life? Are you kidding me?
"I've had 11 years of this crap", so you resent parenting him from the age of 6 to 17, what kind of mother are you?
Gee I wonder where things went wrong with that kind of attitude.
What are his hobbies/interests?
Start with that, get him engaged in something, anything, take the pressure off him finding a career, he's only 17.
Look at jobs at the local fish and chip shop, part time work, casual, small steps, he doesn't have to decide today what he wants to do with the rest of his life.
If you pay for things, stop being so generous, get him motivated to make some money.
Oh and the bf, he bailed when the going got tough, his love is conditional, hardly the kind of love I would choose over my own child.