I’m just about to sign consent orders which i feel are failing my 16 yo however he has chosen to live with his father. My only option is court but my son will be 18 by the time it goes through.
The Father is financially, emotionally and mentally abusive and has alienated the children from me. Two are adults but I do feel their pull towards his demands and control is still there.
I’ve spent two years with lawyers whilst the father drags out the process refusing to provide financials, refuses to coparent, refuses a parenting plan. In mediation the only thing I could get over the line was allowing me time with my son on special days. And even that is if my son chooses to.
For example: son chooses to go out drinking yesterday instead of spending time with his mother. The father knows he is drinking underage, the father does not encourage our son to have a relationship with me. Our son returns to father’s care intoxicated. They all lie to me.
How does a mother accept this? All my children lie to me. Yet the 16yo claims he’s living with the father because I’m abusive. Father has made false claims, exchanging this through lawyers and I have made the decision I need out of this toxic cycle. He is damaging our children. The only way I see I can protect them now given their age is to step aside and finalise my matters and no longer fight for my children.
How can the father be made accountable for the underage drinking? This is a major concern for me. The father is an alcoholic and recreational drug user. He has no rules.
Will local enforcement look yesterday’s event where our son was in a public bar drinking underage? Am I wasting my time? I just feel I’m not doing the right thing by my son.
I have an IVO against the father. I do not want to initiate any contact. He will lie anyway. He will also turn the children against me and create drama between me and the children.
2 Replies
Sorry you're going through this. It is heartbreaking, I have been there and happy to say I now have a good relationship with my children but the damage is still there. Follow Amanda Sillars on Facebook, she is brilliant and has a lot of good advice and information on her page.
I'm going to say draw those boundaries to protect yourself from the abuse by proxy. Do not allow your children to disrespect you. Say I'm here if you need me and do not withdraw love but absolutely do not allow them to treat you like dirt or feed into the Narcs lies/storytelling.
If they are doing something silly I will straight out tell them I do not think that is very wise, you may get hurt and I worry about you. So do not make it about the illegal side of things and do not mention their father at all (we know he will find a way to blame you anyway) Make it about your concern for them. They are old enough to hear it and you need to gradually remove their father from your relationship with them.
You need to stay consistent in your behaviour as a Narc likes to throw victims off balance and eventually when you are no longer a source for his ego, he will turn it on the kids. If you step back, remain consistent, remind them you love them, boost them up. Eventually they will come running for the stability.
Your ex will keep trying to draw you back into this fight because he ENJOYS it. Disengage lovely, spend time on you and tell your kids you are no longer engaging in that battle but that does not mean you love them any less. They will eventually figure it out.
Remember you need to love you too, do not allow yourself to become your kids emotional punching bag either. Because he will teach them well and as adults they will keep doing it if you do not show them you will not tolerate it. You do not have to scream at them. Just say nope, not going to let you treat me like that and walk away.
You have got this and I know it breaks your own heart every time they go to live with the master manipulator. But keep in your mind that you are trying to show them who he really is as Narcs can only keep up the act for so long before the mask drops. Keep hope 🙏 that they will eventually come back 💗