My DD best friend is horrible. I am over her and her behaviours- they’re teenagers and have been friends since kinder. The kid’s behaviour stems from family issues- S.A, child protection, passing through homes etc. So I understand where it is coming from, I was the safe person that she decided to disclose the SA too and to help her get the help needed. However after 13 years of her around I just can’t do it anymore, I’m sick of my daughter coming home in tears, the lies, the stealing etc and the mum using me as her support (mum is not the one hurting the child but I have never been friends with her even before this all came to). I feel so horrible thinking about how much I dislike this child when I can’t even imagine what she’s already seen in her young life but i just want to go not my kid not my problem now.
2 Replies
It’s come to a point where you have to help your daughter create some healthy boundaries with this friend now. Yes, the trauma would definitely be the root cause of a lot of this behaviour but it is in no way, shape or form a free pass.
Trauma does not absolve someone from personal accountability and natural consequences. Your daughter doesn’t have to tolerate any of this!
I also think you need to give yourself permission to step back. You're not a free support worker, therapist etc. This kid actually isn’t your problem, I’m not saying that to be callous, I’m saying that because it’s reality! Both the mum and daughter need far more intricate and professional support than you are equipped to give. They will just keep taking from you until you’re running on empty!
You have done your part and then some, it’s ok to be done.
Vicarious trauma is a thing and you really do not want your daughter taking this on. Time to protect her. Also this girl may also be struggling with BPD which really needs some long term therapy.
I would look at some healthy boundaries. Start with the worst of it e.g. she is contacting every day. So start to decrease contact. E.g. Space out responses on messages. Be busier and spend less time with them. Set other activities for yourself and your daughter to do together. As it sounds like your lives have become too enmeshed with theirs.
Absolutely draw boundaries with this girl. Be honest about what you will and will not tolerate. Encourage her and tell her you see so much potential in her as you know beneath all of this she is really a good person who just needs help from a therapist with the things she is struggling with. Remember she probably never hears praise and her moral compass is probably way off as she has not had a good guide. You can still deliver boundaries with kindness.
As a survivor of SA etc. It does not give me the right to go around hurting other people or to use it to live my whole life in victim status and expect more from others. So this is a lesson to learn for her but such an important one.
This is not you or your daughters problem really. So recognise that you are being kinder than alot of others would be, acknowledge it is a choice and take a break from all the guilt you are putting on yourselves. You decide how much more of this you are willing to put up with and if it is getting really bad, do not be afraid to cut ties altogether x