Mother taking advantage

Hi sisterhood,

I'm stuck in a situation with my mother and I need some advice/ opinions on what i should do about it.

A year ago, my husband and I bought our first home. When we first started looking for a place to buy, my mother offered to gift us the deposit as we were struggling to afford anything that would suit our family. She said she would gift it to us and also gift something to my brother so that it was fair. We accepted the help and greatly appreciate it.

Moving on, she gifted us the 20% deposit and we bought a house. The house is in my and my husbands name- we pay the mortgage, utilities, everything ourselves.

During the buying phase, her relationship with my step dad broke down and then reconciled. The new plan was for her to move in with us until she retired (3 months) which would give her time to sort things out up here after they sold their place (furniture etc). And then she would move down to Brisbane where my step dad has gone to.

Fast forward to 12 months later (now) and she is still here. Her and my step dad have remained married and apparently they enjoy living apart as they get along much better. There has been no doscussion with us as to what her plans are... my mum has not sorted any of her stuff. It has all been dumped at our new house. Everything from their 4 bedroom home that was sold has been brought here. Our shed is full- floor to ceiling, wall to wall of her stuff. My husbands tools etc are still packed away in the trailer as we have no space to set up. Underneath the house are two rooms both full of her stuff... and its not neatly placed either, it's just everywhere. An absolute mess. We have asked her numerous times to please sort it out so that we can set up those spaces.. she is staying in the main bedroom/ ensuite which is semi detached from the rest of the house. So my husband and I are in a very small bedroom with half our stuff still packed away. As we have no wardrobe space etc to unpack it. She hasn't done anything except make herself very much at home in that space...

Since retiring my mother has started drinking heavily. We all, have always had issues with her drinking but it never really affected me that much until now. She sits on our deck and cracks open a vodka at 12pm some days and just drinks A LOT! If i have friends come over she comes and sits with us and drinks and starts drunk babbling to all my friends, it's embarrassing. If my husband and I take the kids out for the weekend she always wants to tag along. She does not go out and socialise or do anything... ever...

Shr has also come out to say that wants the deposit paid back.. we cannot afford to do this so have offered her 20% in the future when we decide to sell and she agreed...

We held a house warming party not long ago, and she invited some of her own friends. Who walked in congratulating her on her new house and all bringing her house-warming gifts... she did not correct them to say it wasn't her home. A few comments were thrown around about how lucky we are to have a mother who has bought us a house... I was livid and had to put myself to bed to avoid blowing up at her in front of everyone..

I realise that she may be depressed. I have seen her like this before, when her and my bio dad split up. She was offered a granny flat at the back of her friends place and there she stayed.. for years drinking and doing nothing until that friend told her she had to go. Once she didn't have that option anymore she sorted her shit out and bought her own place and started living again.

I'm scared that she's now doing the same to me. She has no plans to do anything with her life. I've told friends in front of her that our plan is to renovate this place and turn into an investment property or to make more money if when we sell, she made a joke about having no where to go when we decide to leave this place.

Her being here is really starting to affect my mental health. I have never had a close relationship with my mother. She has never been there for me. And now she's suddenly in my face every single day.

All the little things are starting to piss me off.. she's started bulk buying food (that we don't eat) and i struggle to find space in the fridge, freezer or pantry when I do my own grocery shop. She isn't even using half of this stuff and I am constantly having to throw out old food because it just sits there. I'm allergic to seafood, and she continuously buys bulk seafood and it sits in the fridge for days until until it goes off and the whole house smells of seafood- I can't even clean it out because I'm allergic to it.

We went away for a week and came home to an overflowing bin full of maggots and the whole house smelling like rotten food that my husband had to clean as soon as we got home. And she just sat on the deck drinking...

My husband and I have tried numerous times to get her up to clean out her stuff. We've offered to help hold a garage sale- she doesn't want to do that because she believes people will come in and steal things. We've offered to take photos and put things up for sale individually and she says she needs to go through it all first. My husband really cracked it one day and said he would start dumping it for her because she clearly doesn't want anything to do with it, she got up and started sorting through things. Opened boxes and laid things out in what little space was left in the shed and that's it. Now it's all sitting there in the same mess months later. We are at our wits end! We don't want to be unsupportive but also feel like she's taking advantage. Her new excuse is that she is waiting on a compo payout for a wrist injury and she can't do anything because they might spot her using her wrist...

I don't even want to get out of bed in the morning because I dont want to say goodmorning to her I'm that angry.

We have tried sharing our plans for renovation, and telling her that we would need her stuff moved before we can start and still it just sits there. She does nothing!!!

What do I do? I don't know how else to approach this now. I've tried so many times nicely. I feel like I'm getting too angry to be nice anymore. I want her out of MY house. I want her stuff gone. I don't want my mother following me and my family around for the rest of our lives. We have no privacy, nothing. I'm over it!!

I don't know how else to approach this? Do I give her an ultimatum? She still has the option to move down south with my step dad... who still very much loves her and supports her financially. She has money... she could very well go and rent or buy her own place- she already has all the furniture etc in our shed...

I just feel like she's dug her heels in. I'm worried that she's going to expect something more than the 20% out this place when we decide to sell or rent it. I'm upset that our first home joy has been taken from us. Everyone thinks this is her home and we are just living in it.. my husband and I struggled for YEARS to pay off our debts and put ourselves in a position to buy our first home and it doesn't even feel like it's ours..

What would you do? Do I just keep asking and hope she does something, or do I finally put my foot down and tell her she needs to get up and go...?

😭