I'll make this a quick one - after 6 months of being pregnant (first child for me and hubby) and not yet choosing a girls name, hubby and I finally decided on the perfect name. 2 weeks later, MIL is discussing with hubby's SIL and it's found that this is a name that they had picked out. (Bit of background- SIL and BIL got married 6mo before us, but have had trouble conceiving and need to do IVF.) BIL is insisting that we change the name. I guess my question is - would you? I have gotten so attached to this name and as I am the one who is pregnant, I think it's kind of first in best dressed? Or is this selfish of me?
14 Replies
This is really tough - on the one hand, I do believe its first in best dressed as you are currently pregnant, sadly they are not yet, but who knows if they ever will have a child, have that gender, or even still like that name when it's their time. Plus if you are really attached to the name then hearing it in the future may be a constant reminder that you weren't allowed to have it... On the other hand, it's probably quite hard for your inlaws in that you are pregnant, they aren't and now you are using "their" name. I think you just need to weigh out the potential fall out against your attachment to the name? Are you close? Do you live nearby? Will it cause a massive rift? Is there another name you could use and use the current name as a middle name?
You aren't being selfish, but it's your child and you are allowed to be selfish in putting you and your child first.
one of my neices is currently pregnant with a girl and is around 30 weeks. her sister had a little boy last year in march, when i had last seen her she was telling me she had been throwing names around and i kid you not out of 15 names she couldn't have any because her sister had either "reserved" the name or had a friend/relative on partners side with same/similar name. honestly as it has been said you cant reserve a name because what if you never have a baby or have a baby of that gender your name is reserved for.
But on the other hand my cousin was pregnant and didnt wanna tell people what she was having but she did tell them the names she had picked for boy/girl.(girls name she had picked out in her teens and wanted for a very long time) she had a boy in april and her best friend of 15 years took her girls name when she gave birth in the june of the same year. they havent spoken in 4 years. so i think if you can pick another name, i would do it just to keep the peace or speak to them and tell them you really want that name maybe they will let you have it.
I have 2 sets of cousins with the same name. Nobody was offended, but it's a very big family and very easy going. I would probably change the name just to keep the peace in your case as things sound really stressful for your SIL & BIL. If it was a friend or family member who wasn't even trying there is no way I'd change.
I would never change a name I chose & fell in love with, just because somebody else, regardless of who it is, wants that name, when they're not even pregnant yet, or who knows whether they'll actually stick to that name in the future, or even have a little girl. That is absolutely not fair. You can't just 'reserve' a name & stop somebody else choosing that name. Ask yourself..what if your SIL & BIL never even have a little girl or change their choice of name? You'd regret not going with the name you love forever. If it were me, I wouldn't care who that person is, I would go with the name I want to call my daughter for the rest of her life, regardless of whether who likes that or not. It's the name you want, so it's yours to have. Them not liking that is their issue & not yours. This is your time in life to enjoy & maybe they're trying to ruin that for you because they're envious of your pregnancy.
No you cant reserve a name or control what anyone else does with their kids. If the time comes and they dont want it to be the same, THEY can change their minds. How weird to insist you change it. :(
I wouldnt change it, its fine for cousins to have the same name. I wouldnt be offensive saying youre in first, or theyre not even pregnant... Just tell them you love it and will probably choose it & undestand that may mean there will be 2 of them. In life it wouldnt impact either of them having the same name.
At the same time i would explain to them i know they wanted it, and that is in my mind when i decide, if i find something i love better i will change it... Basically I'm not locking it in just to spite you either.
You cannot reserve names and anyone who is willing to destroy a relationship because somebody else has chosen the same name is being incredibly immature and has their priorities wrong!
I would not care if my sisters or BIL had a child and chose the same name. It doesn't matter at all and really is so unbelievably petty! Like the other person said just tell your BIL that it is one of the names you like and it doesn't mean they can't name their child the same name. If they are mature adults they will accept that!
Hard situation your in and I know they are probly stressed and feeling a bit jealous and bitter and angry even if they are lovely
My sister is the most loving gentle person in the world , I know she has a bit of jealously I guess you call it that I got a girl and she got 4 boys when I'm a boy mum and always wanted boys (but don't care that I had a girl) and her and her husband were desperate for a girl and are "girl" parents
My point is you have to be sensitive to their needs too, my sister isn't bad for having those feelings they are normal but it's my responsibility to respect her hurt in the best ways I can
I guess that's what I am saying consider that you need to respect their hurt - weather or not you think it's not right - that's how they feel and their hearts are breaking month after month that she gets her period
I personally don't think you should change the name but you should tread carefully and with sensitivity and respect but you sound like you are so well done
I had a boys name picked for 5 years , when I was recently pregnant (muisscarraige) I changed it ,
It's not overly fair to expect you to change but maybe a softly spoken conversation with them is in order let them be hurt and irrational , just be understanding and empathetic and I think that always helps bring people around, I see not problem with cousins having the same name? My friend has a cousin the same name and they are just Ali a and Ali b
Yes it's not really right what they are doing but hurt people hurt people , just be loving and kind and understanding , it will eventually win over
Good luck hope that helped xx
We pretty much had this issue too with our son. We hadn't decided on the name but it was in our short list. We did rule out the name and are very happy with the name we chose. Funny though, they had a boy too and didn't use 'the name'. Tough call for you. Personally, we had short listed names and decided once our kids were born. I can't really tell you what to do but you aren't alone in your situation!!
Just use the name, they will have to get over it & there is 100000s of names out there they can find another one they like.
Yes their going through a hard time but that's not ur fault and they need to grow up and be happy for you.
Who the hell has the right to reserve a name that's completely ridiculous!
Your an adult and that's what you get to do when you have a child- name it! So chose what you like and love. Other wise you will spend the rest of your life hearing it and regretting it! You sound like a lovely person and I'm sure if they still chose the name you won't kick up a stink! That's even if they have a child or girl for that matter!
Your husband needs to back you on this decision also. It sounds like your going up against a few of the family members. :( I think they are all being childish and no one has the right to ever say you can't use a certain name.
Be happy mumma and go with your heart. this should be a happy and exciting time for you not a stressful one! Xx
(Original poster here :) ) thank you everyone! I appreciate all of the advice, I just needed some outside advice other than my family! I think for now we are going to go with my gut and keep the name. It's the only name I have and don't really want to give my daughter second best! Hubby is still getting silent treatment from his brother and SIL but hopefully they will grow up a bit and put it behind them. Thank you everyone again!
First to have a baby gets to use the name...
I had a friend (no kids and not pregnant) who had 'reserved' a name (for arguments sake lets say it was Ellie), then Husband really liked a similar name (let's say it was Ella). I said I liked it too but wanted to check with friend if it was OK to use a similar name (despite husband saying that it was our decision alone). Friend said no to letting us use it, so I told husband no. After many arguments we finally settled on a different name altogether. Three years later friend finally has her own baby and calls it something totally different (e.g. Sarah) much to our irritation. Moral of the story: Don't let others influence the naming of your baby based on what they 'might' call their own child in the distant future, because they'll probably not use it anyway....
I changed our choice of name because my friend said she said she always wanted the name (it is the name of my husbands sister too). when she had her baby she didn't even call her that name! it was so annoying. so I say just use the name you have picked out.