I am broken. I am failing. I am falling. I have lost myself and I don't know where I went. I don't know who I am anymore, and I am not thinking straight.
I left a DV relationship a few months back, I was staying with a friend and I thought I was doing okay, I was applying for rentals and was so lucky to get the first one I applied for and then one I wanted most. I have 2 young children, the eldest is 2. During the day, I'm fine, I keep to my kids and my own routine, I don't let on how broken I am, I'm a normal person.
They go to bed at 6.30pm and sleep through till 7.30am. In this time, I turn into a person I don't know. Although I'm very careful as I need to put my children first, I'm doing some stupid shit, I think it everyday, during the day, but at night time, I don't. I drink, I drink so I can be alone in the house, I've never been alone before, I sleep on the couch because my bedroom feels so far away, i have goals im trying to reach but I'm so pathetic I don't even know how to get someone to connect my internet so I can study. The worst part is, I can't be alone, I can't feel lonely, I've been inviting men over (that I've known for a while) and then sending them home before my kids get up. I want the company and I feel like I need to feel wanted. Something I haven't felt for a while. I'm hurting these men, I don't want a relationship, I'm too scared of one to be completely honest, and although I tell them all I want is there company, apparently I've not made it clear enough. I feel disgusting. I feel sick everyday. I started smoking again, I don't eat, I've always been under weights and I'm not back down to 42kgs, the doctor said I should be at 60kg to be healthy. I'm looking after my kids, but I'm not looking after myself. I'm so tired, drained. I miss the man who abused me, I still love him, but I know I can't go back. I'm stuck in this dirty cycle of not knowing who I am or what I want...
I never ever used to be like this, but my ex broke me.
Before him, I was the girl who could do anything! At 8 years old, I had my childhood and innocence ripped from under neath me by a man who couldn't care less, I've never let that get in the way of who I am. When I was 12, another man did the same. Once again, I carried on. I moved out of home at 16 because I was independent, I looked after myself, always had, always had to. I never depended on anyone. I was my own person, I worked, I looked after the home, I went to school, I kept going.. I had my first child, his father and I split, I worked from home in a small business and had plans to study, I met someone, I had another child, he made me stop my business, refused to let me study and I have to make sure I was well presented, the kids were quiet and dinner was on the table when he got home. I lost me, I depended on him. And I don't know if I can come back from that. How do I? I was told for 2 years that I wasn't good enough, I was disgusting to look at, I was lazy, I needed him, if it wasn't for him I would have nothing. I wasn't aloud to have friends over and I wasn't aloud to go for a coffee with a friend. How do I find myself again? Who am I? Where did I go? Is it even possible? When the kids nap, I find myself just pacing up and down the hallway, not knowing what to do, and when I'm not doing that, I'm on the couch crying or texting some guy to give me company that night. This isn't me. I want to study, I want to continue writing, I want to sing again, I want to buy a home for me and my babies and I don't want to depend on anyone ever again. I don't want to feel lonely when I'm alone.
I've slowly been rebuilding friendships, but it's hard. When I'm with my friends, I just want them to leave, and when they are gone, I just want them back. I can't enjoy anything.
I blame him, I blame him for it all. But I know it's not his fault. I could have told him to shove it and left a long time ago.
I miss him. I miss him so much, and I don't know why.
I can't remember the last time I wasn't wearing pyjamas.
I don't know what I'm even writing right now. I'm just writing. I don't know what I'm asking from you,
Or if I'm asking anything at all, I guess I just needed someone to hear me... No one can hear me.
I don't like who I've become. Drinking, sleeping around, missing someone who nearly killed me, pacing back and forth, crying, wanting change but Don't know how. Questioning my ability to even be a parent! That's something I never thought I'd do.. I just want to feel okay..
broken
broken
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage, Mental Health, Loss & Grief, Health & Wellbeing
7 Replies
I'm so sorry you are going through this. It sounds like it's time to see your GP for a mental health care plan and a referral to a psychologist.
It can be so hard to break the cycles and build the new life you want, I know you can do it though, you just need a little help to get there.
Are there any female friends who could come for sleep overs? That would help break the pattern of the male friends.
Some of your behaviours you describe sound like me when I'm having a panic attack and so then your self medicating with alcohol.
I really hope you get the support you need soon
Big hugs to you Mumma, sounds like you are dealing with lots of issues and that you are being a protective and loving parent but it's difficult for you to see that at the moment. I would suggest going to gp and getting referral for some counselling for you to talk about all
Of this and also to rebuild your confidence after the dv relationship. Also to look at why you are being attracted to men who are not treating you well so you can avoid that in future. Is it possible to have your children in daycare even 1 day a week this may give you some time to find who you are, look at study options or just go for a coffee! As mums we all need time to ourselves otherwise we go mental! Take care of you and I hope you reach a place where you feel confident in who you are as a mum and as a woman xx
I feel as if Ive just read my own story. Its so similar to my past, I was hurting from reading it and if I hadn't gained my strength in the past year, I would have cried whilst reading it.
You wrote this so beautifully, I dont mean to say your struggle and pain is beautiful, but the way you wrote, made it so real.
This is what I did. I acted how you are. Almost everything. It took me about two months of being how you are now, I got so sick and tired of the lonely nights, the crying, the hurt, One morning, I wrote down my goals. I started working and focussing on them. The biggest thing that helped me though, was no contact. I feel you and it sucks big time. These men who seek company from, you need to stop. Finding someone to fill that space is not the answer. Maybe temporarily, but your strength is in you, no one else. People can help and support you, but you need to believe you can get your old self back on your own, believe in yourself. Realise how far you've come. Challenge yourself to be better, healthy and accept where you are right now. You still love him because you gave him your all. He took everything from you, down to your independance and heart. You are in charge of yourself, your life, your thoughts. Train your mind to be free of him, to regain your self worth. Trust me, Ive done it and been through it. I hated when everyone told me it gets better in time, I need to focus on my kids and our life and let him go, they were right. Easier said than done. Look for your own happy, in yourself, your home, your children. Think of everything you are grateful for. Work to improve your current situation. Allow no dwelling, dont sit in a mess of your past. Keep it moving. Sorry you're going through this. You will see better days, trust positivity xo
OMG. Stop stop stop.
1. Stop calling these men for company.
2. Stop putting your kids at risk by having these men over and drinking. (Just because you send them home before your kids wake up doesn't mean they don't know they are there.) If you continue this you will end up pregnant again or something even worse is going to happen.
3. Stop crying and go see you gp for some meds. but it looks like meds might not be good for you if you keep drinking.
4. Get your shit together. Don't go into another relationship for the next ten years for goodness sake. Learn to be happy with yourself. Learn to love yourself.
ANYTHING YOU DO FROM TODAY ONWARDS, MAKE SURE ITS TO ONLY MAKE YOURSELF BETTER AND INTURN WILL BE THE BEST THING THAT YOU WOULD HAVE DONE FOR YOURSELF. (this does not mean getting into another relationship or sleeping around). It means, study online so you can get a good job to support your kids. Good luck. Only you can get yourself out of this rut.
I feel reather connect to u for some reason after reading thing i may not be in in a abuse relationship or drink alone smoke and being with diffrent man but the feeling and thought sound like me and it hurts to feel this way i will pray for u and me tonight maybe we will find the light soon but its there
I too have been in your situation. Please now that you will get through this. I took up exercise starting in my lounge room, joined online chat groups and surrounded myself with family. I was never abused as a child so cannot begin to imagine what that must have been like but it sounds as though you managed to stay sane and build a life for yourself you can do this again. The DV counselling helped me immensely and they have child minding facilities if you need them. Big hugs to you xx
You are suffering Depression and maybe PTSD you need to get to your Dr and then a psychologist for help. It will get better. As Dr Phil says. Time heals nothing it is what you do with that time that counts. Get proactive woman!!!