Hi, I have a problem I hope the other IMs might have some advice. I have 3 kids, a boy who is 11 and two girls aged 8 & 5. Their dad and I broke up 5 years ago because he was emotionally abusive and slept around a lot. The kids have been living with him for the last 2 years because I was suffering from extreme depression. It seemed to be going ok. I have remarried and when he said he was moving in with his girlfriend Easter this year I was happy there would be a girl around the house. However since moving in with her my oldest daughter has been saying she treats her badly. Often saying she thinks the girlfriend hates her and that dad forgets about her because she is always really nice to the other kids and never to her. This has been getting worse and worse and a few weeks ago my daughter got grounded by the girlfriend for not knowing the answer to a question. She says she was told she is grounded for life and the girlfriend has taken all of her clothes except for her uniform and pyjamas off her as well as all of her books and toys and my daughter has to sit on her bed whenever she is home and gets in trouble for talking or getting up. My daughter is of course miserable and has been begging me not to make her go back when she comes to visit. When the other kids get grounded it lasts a week and means they can't watch TV, never anything like this. It has been like this for weeks now and when I tried to talk to her dad about it she got in trouble for telling me. My question is should I report this to docs? It is really worrying me that the girlfriend seems to have a problem with my daughter and is singling her out in this way. I don't know what else to do and I don't want my daughter to think there is no one that will stick up for her. Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks
daughter having problems with dads girlfriend
daughter having problems with dads girlfriend
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage, Behaviour, Kids, FAQ
13 Replies
Ask your daughter to speak to the school counsellor about it. Id also consider options like getting the parenting plan changed so your daughter can be with you a lot more or permanently. If be really tempted to report them, especially if the other kids are backing up the story.
I would question why the girlfriend is disciplining her in this way. I think discipline this strong (and it is too harsh imo), should come from the father not the girlfriend.
Making a child sit still and quiet and do nothing for an indefinite time, or permanently, is not discipline, its cruelty. good luck, please keep on it and be her voice. She must be able to talk to you, and you to her father, without fear of punishment, don't let this woman bully her into closing communications with you and completely isolate the girl. Is the father aware of the situation? Its a good idea to get drs, councellors, teachers involved just in case you do get cut off from her or she withdraws from you.
Their father is aware and he refuses to talk to me about it. The kids say theirs nothing dad can do because the girlfriend makes the rules. I tried talking to the girlfriend about it and she just said its none of my business and she's more of a mum to them than I am because they live with her (though they've only been there a few months) then she told the kids I'm scared of her because I refused to be into a physical fight with her in front of the kids. Even my son has been punished for telling me his sister has been in trouble so I get worried they will decide its not worth the punishment to tell me what's going on. I've had a chat with the kids about talking to the school chaplain after the holidays and pointed out that the chaplain and their teachers are safe to talk to about anything that's on their mind.
I know a woman who is a step mother to two little girls of the same ages. Their mother died and their father remarried. Anyway the step mum would often say that she adores the youngest of the girls but the oldest irrtates her and is too much like her mother (who the stepmother never even knew!). You never see the oldest girl on her facebook page but she always post photos of the youngest and her own children. I feel so sorry for your daughter because she must be feeling so isolated. your ex is putting his girlfriend before your children. Can they move back home with you? This is definitely not got for your daughters self esteem as she will grow up feeling worthless if the girlfriend continues to put her down and giving such ridiculous punishments. She is being cruel. Your daughter definitely needs counselling, someone to help her understand that this isnt her fault, its the horrible girlfriends. I know depression is really hard, ive been there. But maybe the kids are better with you. Or at least try for 50% custody.
I have tried to get them back, and provided letters from more than one professional saying I'm now ok to look after them but the courts say its too much of a risk in case of a relapse and it would be unsettling for the kids because they've been there so long. They also said 50% wouldn't work because of our different parenting styles. I never wanted them to live there, it was the courts decision and not being able to do anything to help my daughter is the worst feeling in the world. It's heart breaking to hear her cry about her dad not caring and knowing I have to send her back.
That is so sad. :(
Considering how the girlfriend is treating the children maybe you would have a chance at getting them back? Its sounds so unfair that you cant have them back because of a relapse...you have a husband now, its a shame they can't see you have a support network.
Definitely get your daughter to see a counsellor speak to the school and ask them to schedual an appointment for her. Maybe the school can speak to dad, if its someone outside the immediate family maybe he will open his damn eyes! I could imagine this is totally heartbreaking. Be there for your daughter. Let her know its safe to talk to you. I would definitely speak to the school counsellor and get some advise on what you can do. Find places that can offer you advice on the best solution to tackle this issue. Just dont let it go.
I have a step son of the same age and please don't dismiss her feelings because shes obviously upset, but kids do often exaggerate things. We often have this problem with my stepsons mum coming to us with big concerns of things he's said that we make him do around the house and get up him for... And we are left scratching our heads because its simply untrue and we don't know where it's come from.
Stand Up for your kids and get your kids back. We all go through depression at some stage of our lives but we don't give up our kids. Getting married again is not going to fix your depression if that is why you got married. I think its time to focus on your kids instead of your marriage and depression. How do you think your kids feel being palmed onto their dad. And the dad lets his girlfriend punish and parent them. Not too good. If your ex husband cheated on you, he will cheat on his girlfriend and they will break up for sure. And as the girlfriend has been mistreating them, this will leave a scar on them for life. Get your kids back now, all three of them not just one. You chose to be a mum now step up and look after them. Don't let your depression stop you from looking after your kids.
If you read the above comments you will see that its up to the courts and she has tried to get her children back. She is better now but the courts still wont allow her to have custody of the children.
The courts are discriminating against you under the mental health and disability act. You need to lawyer up and start taking your kids to a psych so a proper report can be made to the courts. If your depression is being managed with meds and there are no other issues related to y you can't get them back then there's no reason this can't be changed. Due to the age of your children . The eldest 2 at least, the magistrate will listen to what they want. You could at least get your daughter back in your care. However in saying that it seems like there is a lot more to y your kids were taken to begin with and possibly something to do with your current husband as well ?
Ring up docs or parentline and have a chat and see what they say. I don't think it would hurt. Docs are about helping families not just taking kids away from their families unless they think the families seriously aren't committed to whats in the childs best interest.
I've decided to respond here, rather than Facebook where people are being rather judgemental. To those who are saying maybe your daughter isn't telling the truth - maybe she's not, but if she's exaggerating to such a degree, there must be something making her incredibly unhappy at her fathers for her to make such a story and beg not to go back. Your daughter needs to know that there is someone who will stand with her and for her.
I would definitely look at getting legal advice. If you have been stable for a reasonable period of time and this can be documented by a doctor/psychologist/psychiatrist and you can show you now have a greater support network I see no reason why the courts should be refusing to reconsider custody. I would also think that a married couple would be considered more stable than a couple who aren't as it shows commitment (in this kind of situation anyway). They also need to be taking into consideration how the children feel about the situation and where they would prefer to be.
It is completely unacceptable how your ex and his girlfriend are treating you and your daughter. I agree with other people's comments regarding talking to the school and encouraging all of your kids to speak to the school chaplain. That would also help with the court situation as they will be an impartial party.
Good luck with everything, I hope it works out in your daughter's favour. But don't give up. I know how hard depression can be, particularly with stressors like this, but you are doing a wonderful job and keep fighting :)