I need help with my MIL. I recently had a miscarriage after 18months ttc. My partner went to his parents place and told them and asked that we could have space to deal with our feelings. I was a complete mess. The next day was a Monday, my partner had to go to work. His mother called me and begged to come over. I was in tears already so i just agreed i didnt know what else to do. She came over and told me how god would fix it (im not religious and she knows that) and how she thought i was more intelligent then to get this upset. This was 4 days after finding out our baby had gone still waiting for the miscarriage to start.
Its now been almost a month and im still so angry. I havent seen her since and dont want to. But she is my partners mum so i can just cut her out completely although id like to. My partner has been supportive but has made hints of wanting to have dinner as a couple with his parents. I dont know what to do. After hearing 'i thought you were more intelligent then to get this upset' i just cant even think about her without getting angry.
dealing with nasty in laws after miscarriage
dealing with nasty in laws after miscarriage
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage, Self Care, Loss & Grief, Parenthood Guilt
11 Replies
This pisses me off to read! I too have a horrible MIL. 'I thought you were more intelligent than to get this upset?' What the hell does that even mean?! Intelligent people get upset too! What's not to get upset about after a miscarriage? I too would be a mess and no I wouldn't be having dinner with her. Your partner should be saying something. She's his mother and how dare she! I'm so sorry for your loss beautiful IM xx
I couldnt understand that either. I was too upset to say anything back. My partner wants to go on sunday. Im so nervous. I do not want to go. :(
This pisses me off to read! I too have a horrible MIL. 'I thought you were more intelligent than to get this upset?' What the hell does that even mean?! Intelligent people get upset too! What's not to get upset about after a miscarriage? I too would be a mess and no I wouldn't be having dinner with her. Your partner should be saying something. She's his mother and how dare she! I'm so sorry for your loss beautiful IM xx
That is awful! Would you feel better if she apologised for her insensitive comments? I would talk again to your hubby and ask him to talk to her and apologise for you. I understand him wanting to continue as normal with his parents but you are his wife and you should come first. Perhaps she didn't truly realise what an awful thing she said and might feel quite mortified if it was pointed out and want to apologise? My sympathy to you, my mother in law is a truly horrible person we deal with dramas every time we see her. Good luck xx
She would never apologize. She never does. She expects everyone to fall at her feet and say sorry to her. Its always poor her for one reason or another. Hubby thinks she didn't mean it he thinks she just isn't good with words. But really how else could those words be meant?? I lost my baby. Im allowed to be upset
My mother in law is like that too... Everything is swept under the carpet and never apologises. Of course you should be upset. I would set some boundaries about what you will put up with and make sure your husband understands. I would definitely allow yourself space so you don't feel stressed about seeing them. I used to fake being sick to avoid family dinners lol. But certainly allow yourself to have space from them and your hubby needs to understand that they have hurt you so he can protect you. Best of luck xx
Its horrible isnt it?? Why should everything be swept under the rug for them?? They should have to realise how much hurt and damage they cause!
Thank you for replying. Fingers crossed this weekend goes ok. I really dont want to go and will do my best to get out of it but when i told hubby i didnt want to do he got pretty upset with me. I dont need fighting at home on top of dealing with a miscarriage
This is such a tricky thing. I completely understand why you would be angry, but i would say its time to let what your mil said go. People don't understand how a miscarriage feels until they experience it themselves. I have been through 2, 1 people knew about and 1 we kept to ourselves because of the stupid, hurtful, non helpful things 'helpful' people try to say and do. One of which was to bring a newborn baby into my hospital room after a d and c. I also had a huge falling out with my mum cause she told me to get over it. Its just awful, and i completely get it. But your husband wouldnt really get what your feeling either, which is probably why he thinks you should go to this dinner. But you will eventually have to go, have to deal with this person. Coming from experience, trust me, its not worth inviting heartache during heartache, the anger and the hurt will just break you up and cause so much more pain. concentrate on your healing, and tell you mil not to bother commenting on something she doesnt understand. xo
Thank you for your reply. I understand what you are saying :) Im so sorry for your losses xoxo
I agree, I hope this doesn't sound harsh but just be the bigger person , I always have to with my mIL , everyone's just happier that way and I just endure time spent with her which I'm my case I'm lucky it's only every few years as she lives os but I have to live with her and be there 24/7for 5-6 weeks when I do. And she still manages to stir things up every now and then from the other side of the world, but in my opinion it's worked better just being the bigger person and letting it go, limiting time spent and jus be short when she offends you. Good luck xx
Not harsh at all. Usually i can just be the bigger person. But i lost my baby. I am still struggling with that let alone her BS. I know no one will feel as deeply for my baby as i do. But i want her to matter to people. Especially those who would have been her grandparents. Being told that she thought i was more intelligent really hurt. Yes my miscarriage was early. But we had tried for 18months. We were finally pregnant. We saw our babies heart beat then bam just like that she was gone. I dont expect anyone to look after me i dont expect to be treated any different. But give me and my little girl some respect. (Not aimed at any of the replies, aimed at my MIL )