Dear Mummy,
It is nearly 2 years since I got to talk to you. It feels like a life time. I can still see you laying quietly in that bed. Why didn't I spend more time with you? Why did you have to go? I know you were in pain and you were ready but I miss you so much, it hurts. I thought I was prepared, but nothing can prepare you for loosing your mum, the single person who loved me totally and unconditionally.
Christmas and Birthdays feel fake and empty now. I still pick up my phone and go to call you when I need to or have something exciting to tell you. Now I call your mum or your friends, but sometimes I don't because I just want you. I might be a mum myself but I still need my mum too. Sometimes I feel like I am a little kid pretending to be an adult. I am still young, and you were meant to grow old and be there.
Your grand baby, the one you so desperatly wanted to meet, she is a wise little 18 month old who is just like her nanna in so many ways. Sometimes I wonder if you are in her heart? You must be, where else did she get all her wisdom from?
You would be so proud of your grandson, he is growing up to be such a beautiful, smart, polite little man. I wish he could run into your bed in the mornings still.
Are you happy now mum? I know you were here, but the cancer made it hard towards the end. Are you out of pain? Why do all the good ones get sick?
I wish I could just have a tiny bit more time, I lie, I want to have lots more time but a tiny bit would be better than none. I want to hug you, tell you I am sorry for not being a girly girl, tell you I love you a million times, to try and make up for all those times I didn't when I should have! I want to thank you for everything you did for me and for my husband and our little ones. We wouldn't be where we are today with out you, I most certainly wouldn't be who I am today without having the best mum any one could wish for. I want you to meet your grand daughter and I want you to see your grand babies grow up. I want to bake with you. To have some of those dinners that even though I have the recipe, I will never be able to make like you did. I also want the ones you just knew how to make.
I know you had to go, and I know I thought I was prepared. But I wasn't, and I never could have prepared for this empty hole you left. I know I won't get any more time. But please mum, know I love you so so much.
Missing you always xxx
4 Replies
So beautiful, I don't really have words but that made me cry x
That made me cry too that was beautiful ! I lost my Mum 16 years ago to cancer and it feels like only yesterday. It is so hard at times without having a Mum around. Like you I have also found no one can take that place and some days I just want a Mum hug and reassurance. Big hugs xxx
What a great letter. So honest. Thank you for sharing and getting some of your grief out.
I lost my mum to motor neurone disease 30 years ago this year. She never met my kids, my husband, wasn't there when I got married. I still wish I could have her with me, but you know what. It's ok for life to continue, for things to change, to find others to talk to. No one will ever replace her, but you've been given a beautiful gift in having her for so long. What a wonderful thing it is to have a relationship with your mum. Praying for your heavy heart, know there is hope.
This nearly made me cry. This is so similar to my story. I also lost my mum to cancer, I was 22, my first son was 2, he is now 10. I agree birthdays and Xmas etc is not the same, the whole family isn't the same. She was the only one that I could talk to about everything. Sorry to hijack...I know how much it sucks..