Depression or just lazy? Or maybe both?
I had my daughter about 4 years ago. It was a horrific birth and my daughter and I both nearly died. I did not get to meet my baby until she was almost 2 weeks old as she was transferred to a bigger hospital. I was not able to be transferred because I was in ICU and was not stable enough to move hospitals. When I finally met her it was very odd and there wasn't very much emotion. Nothing like I had expected it to be. Since then, to be honest, I have not felt the way I thought I would towards my daughter. She would never know this because I cover it up as best as I can but it almost feels forced from my end. I have tried talking about it with my husband but he has no idea what I mean. From what he can tell there is no problem. I just feel like I must cover it up well because inside I don't feel the connection that I thought I would with my daughter.
To be honest, I don't feel a connection with anyone or anything the way I used to. Nothing is really important to me. I don't feel strongly attached to anyone or anything.
I am not crying every day or anything but I lack motivation to do anything. There would not be one thing in life that I get enjoyment out of. I have tried taking up hobbies, I have tried returning to work but there is nothing that fills the void I have inside. All I do every day is play games on my phone/ipad or watch TV. I don't do any housework or washing until it realllllly needs to be done. I was never like that before. People used to get quite annoyed with me because of how clean I was and needed everything in it's place.
I have also put on about 15kgs since I had my daughter. I have been blaming my mood on that. My weight gain has kept me from socialising and feeling good about myself. I rarely make an effort with my appearance even though I used to take great pride in it. I kept thinking that I was just feeling the way I was because I had put on weight. But now I am wondering if maybe I am in actual fact depressed and not just overweight. Maybe I hide away from everyone because I am depressed.
Do you think I should see my GP? I am embarrassed. I hate talking about this sort of stuff and rarely even tell my husband I feel this way. I also don't want to say I'm depressed/PTSD/PND if it is just weight gain making me feel this way. If she put me on antidepressants do you think they will help me feel motivated to get on with life? I don't want to be a zombie.... I already feel like one of those.
I just don't want to realise one day that I was depressed for years and years and didn't do anything about it. I feel like I have missed out on so much stuff already even though I have been physically present. I just want to be the way I used to be and care about what is happening in my life.
5 Replies
I think you should see your GP. If in doubt ALWAYS check it out x
Everything you have described are symptoms of depression. Do not be embarrassed it is a very common illness. Go to your doctor and get it checked out for yours and your families sake xx
I had anti depressants for about a month a while ago, due to anxiety, honestly they made me feel emotionless, but definetely see a doctor or councillor. best of luck
I saw my GP after a traumatic hospital experience (miscarried in a public bathroom without my husband being allowed in to support me) and my GP sent me to see a psychiatrist right away. She diagnosed me with textbook PTSD and began treatment immediately. I didn't have to go on anti-depressants because trauma is a very different thing. The treatment I had involved looking at lights and talking (it's hard to explain but it's all about the brain making connections with memories and forcing your brain to deal with things it doesn't want to). You have been through trauma. The weight gain can be brought on by all the stress and if you're not sleeping well it just makes things that much worse. See your GP, there's nothing to be embarrassed about - just tell him/her that you haven't been coping since the traumatic birth and that you need to talk to someone. If you are having trouble putting it into words just print out your post!! This is your cry for help - make it clear that medication is the last resort. I feel exactly like you do about talking about all this and until it happened to me I didn't really understand what mental health professionals can do for you. They can help in ways you don't know and if you have a "can do" and "fix it" attitude you will be given the tools you need to heal. Best wishes <3
you are not alone,i went through something similar, and it is difficult and people dont understand if they havent been through it, go and see a gp to get a referral for a psychologist that specialises in pnd. its hard to get out of your own way to help yourself but start with a small walk a couple of days a week and cutting back on the sugary/fatty comforting foods, increase your water intake and find some like minded ppl who you can talk to and exercise with, youll feel better for all of it and wonder why you hadnt done it sooner. with hard work you could drop the 15kgs by summer and hopefully that and some warmer weather might have you feeling great and enjoying your daughter. motherhood is hard, get some help so you dont have to do it tougher than you need to and remember theres light at the end of your tunnel and you clearly love your daughter to have covered it up so well, even if you dont feel the connection now. good luck xx (if youd like to chat to me, id be happy to share more of my experience and some contacts you may find helpful - just reply to this post)