Hi IMs, Im hoping someone out there has some advice, maybe someone else has felt the same way. We had a beautiful stillborn baby boy a little over a year ago. Now Im 20 weeks pregnant and today I found out we are expecting a girl. Im really very happy and grateful that so far she looks healthy and perfect but I cant help but feel a little disappointed she isnt a he. I will love her just the same I know and Im glad to be pregnant at all but we were so looking forward to a little boy last time as we have 3 girls already and I know we wont be having anymore. I feel like I was so close to getting my dream and it was taken away from me. I didnt expect this baby to replace the one we lost as nothing could so Im feeling a little shocked at myself for being disappointed. Ive been so anxious the last 20 weeks just hoping everything will turn out ok and now I just feel selfish and ungrateful for not being as excited as I should be. Its brought back all those feelings of loss just knowing Ill never get my boy I was so looking forward to. Has anyone else felt like this? Does it get better? Im terrified she will be born and Ill still be wishing she had been a boy.....again not that I wont love her like I do all my girls but I dont want to have that perfect moment where Im finally holding my baby ruined by my own selfish feelings of disappointment of loss.
gender disappointment after stillbirth
gender disappointment after stillbirth
Posted in:
Mental Health, Loss & Grief, Parenthood Guilt, Pregnancy
5 Replies
Oh wow I really feel for you! I don't have words of advise to offer What I've been through does not compare to a stillbirth but here goes
I never wanted a daughter have always only wanted sons. I have 3 miscarriages before my firstborn son, all my m/c's were investigated and know they were all boys. Since having my son we waited then finally Ttc and I was desperate for another boy, we lost another 3 boys. Finally pregnant again ( all our pregnancys have been through an iVF clinic ) and we got to the 20wk scan and heard it was a girl. I was heartbroken. I never wanted a daughter and while I was ecstatic to be pregnant and baby healthy I couldn't help wishing she was a boy, I've lost so many boys and really wanted another son.
Fast forward she is now 8wks old and I can't believe I felt that way. She is beyond perfect! I can't believe I didn't want a daughter she is amazing. She is also our last.
Yes I will always wonder and think about my boys I lost, I believe things happen for a reason and while it didn't make sense at the time cause I was so desperate for another boy I know now she was meant to be here and fill a gap I didn't know was there. She's not a replacement for my boys, she is her own person and perfect!
Good luck mumma big hugs I can only imagine how much harder it is for you than me. I wish you luck and hope she fills that gap a little bit. You will never forget your son but she is her own person and not his replacement.
Our first child was a little boy he too was born already an angel. Less than 4 months later we found out we were expecting again and then later found out it was a little girl. Yes I longed to hold a little boy but also felt If we were to have a boy I would feel a mass amount of guilt and judgement as people think rainbow babies are there to replace the one lost
Pregnancy after a loss is so hard and alot of things that might seem trivial to others just aren't to us angel mums. You are not being selfish you are just going through grief and your aloud to feel how ever you feel. Don't be to hard on yourself in can assure you right now though that once the stress of pregnancy is gone and you finally get to meet your little bundle of joy you will love her just as much as your other children!!! Xxxx
Beautifully said x
I'm sorry for your loss.
Please be kind to yourself. It's perfectly understandable to feel disappointed or sad, it's a natural human emotion. It doesn't make you selfish or ungrateful. Allow yourself to grieve. Be self compassionate and kind to yourself. Have empathy for yourself as you would for any other woman who lost her son and was desperate for another.
I am so sorry for your loss.
Your story resonates so deeply with me. In 2012 after having 2 girls I had a beautiful boy who was born sleeping. The longing and loss of my son will be with me forever. In 2013 I fell pregnant again. I was hoping, believing it was a son however we had another girl. We didn't know her gender until she was born. As she was a premie she was rushed off to the NICU and I didn't get to see or hold her until the following day. For that full day I felt to detached, grieving for the second son I felt I should have. Then I finally held her and it all lifted. Her, my 2 older daughters and our sweet angel boy complete our family. Maybe it's not the way I dreamed my family to be, or the way I wish things had turned out but this is our reality. I enjoy (almost) every minute with my daughters. They bring me love, laughter and joy. We honour our son, light candles in his memory and have a fairy garden outside where our girls say they visit with him. Our son is part of our lives everyday, in memory and forever he will be apart of our family.