I'm not sure if I'm being petty or if it's her grief or something more...but I'm confused and hurt either way.
Little bit of a back story. My good friend had her second baby born sleeping about 12 weeks ago.
My partner and I have our own newborn who was 5 weeks old at the time.
It started off my partner and I decided not to go to the funeral as I was told I was the last person she wanted to see. We respected that decision and wanting a few weeks until we saw her.
When we visited she held my LO and seemed ok with it.
Things have changed recently to the point where I'm not sure how to feel or react.
We have seen her on numerous occasions however it seems as though she has no interest in my baby at all. She wont hold her or engage with her.
I had mentioned it to my Mil who told her I wasn't happy and twisted my words to say I had said what happens wasn't my babys fault and she doesn't deserve to be treated that way and that I don't trust her with my baby
In reality I was upset that she was ok to babysit and cuddle and hold another friends baby but won't hold mine.
I know it sounds pretty and she's in a very different place to me emotionally. I'm not a heartless person and I can't being to imagine what she's going through. She's my friend I love her and grieved this loss of her baby. I'm completely lost.
I have decide that maybe it's best to distance myself for now as I don't want it blowing up and loosing a good friend however I don't know if I can stay if my friend keeps acting this way
Sorry it's such a long rambling post.
I really don't know what I'm asking but if I can get inside from other mums as to how to feel react or something.
Tia
14 Replies
OMG can u even imagine what she is going through? Maybe holding your baby is too much to bare for her as your babies should have been growing up together. Think you need to start thinking less of yourself and be more empathetic and understanding towards her...
Maybe be a good friend and offer her support on your own. Leave your baby at home and spend time with her. a constant reminder may dredge up her pain. She needs lots of time to heal from this unimaginable loss.
Oh jeez i hope you dont get attacked for this! Yes, shes hurting, but your feelings are still valid. I think you have two options, either recognise shes obviously taking it out on you as her close friend & you can accept that and support her without your child ( if you could do that) . Or you could just leave the situation, wish her well, send her love, and let her know youre there for her but back off, as you said, before it blows up.... You probably will lose her anyway though, it would never be the same. What I've learnt since having kids is that now I put my family & my kids first, its natural, you don't have to shove it in her face but equally you cant be expected to pretend it doesn't exist, and I've lost people along the way, its just life.
To the lady who said can I imagine what she's goin through. No I can't I said that on the original post. I also said she's fine to be around and hold other babies.
I struggled to concieve my own baby and she was there for me. So I wanted to return the favour and try and be there for her.
I had suggested visiting her without my baby and she said she wanted her present then ignored her. She has told me as this is her second time she lost a baby that she wanted normality around her and that is what we have been trying to do
I understand it's difficult and I'm not thinking of myself. I'm thinking of my friendship with this beautiful lady and try to get some inside as to how to approach a delicate situation for the both of us.
I'm not looking for your judgement I asked for help with how to deal with a difficult situation . This is supposed to be a forum where people come for help and advice not to be made to feel worse for asking for it! I can see why some people suffer in silence!
Sounds like by saying she wanted your baby there she was making an effort not to let her loss affect things but when it came to it could not cope...maybe because of what you have been through together (you struggling to conceive her previous loss) she finds it harder to hold your baby.
Your friend is hurting and trying to blame someone and is taking it out on you for it,....not intentionally. Whatever you do please don't give up on her. This is hard on both of you, stick by her and let it be known that you are there for her, she might secretly be wanting your help but too hurtful and even bitter to say anything. I hope you both find peace in your hearts and friendship and I hope your friend finds all she needs to get through this horrible tragedy, losing a child is the worst pain anyone can ever endure oxo
Just give her a pass on this one. Grief can make people emotional over anything even things that don't make sense. She's obviously hurting and just needs time. I'd keep my distance from her to avoid conflict and further pain. I would just text or call every so often to show her love andsupport in the hopes she will come around in time. I don't think getting annoyed at her is the right way of looking at it. Maybe it's harder on her to see you and your baby as maybe they were closer in age than the other babies or maybe she was excited more so about been mums together with you than other friends. Maybe she's heard you complain about mother hood and it makes her angry. You don't know what she's thinking ... but she's obviously hurting and I would not take it so personal.
Grief is totally irrational and it can be hardest to be around those who are closest to you. Give her plenty if time and space
I agree to a couple of other posts. I think distance yourself, but still show her you're there for her. Text, occasional call, take the time to actually write and post a letter, just little things. Grief like that can take a long time to heal and as others have said, perhaps it's due to your relationship with her or the things you're saying around her (obviously without malice, just unconscious) that is upsetting to her. If you thought it would be well received you could also suggest a girls day out to a spa or something, just you and her to relax and don't talk about pregnancy or babies unless she brings it up. Try not to take it personally xx
Perhaps go around to her house without ur baby and just have a chat with her explain to her your worried and want to help and support her the same way she was their for you. You may find she will open up to you and you maybe able to understand better. A lot of ppl cope with grief differently and unfortuently you may find your baby reminds her of her baby that was lost she Probally had hopes for the future for the two babies to grow up together.
What I have learned during times of grief is that sometimes you hurt the ones you love because you know they will be there for you no matter what. I think you need to have a sit down with your friend, one on one, and just ask her how you can help. Let her know that it's ok if she doesn't want to see you for a while, if she wants to talk about her loss, or talk about anything but her loss you'll be there to listen. I can't tell you how she feels or what she's thinking, because everyone grieves in completely different ways. But I can tell you that eventually she will be ok. She won't ever forget, and she will grieve for the rest of her life, but she will eventually want to start moving forward with her life and maybe that's when she will need you the most. Good luck, it's a very hard situation to be in, I hope you and your friend can get through this together xx
Yes I agree with the last response completely. Everyone grieves differently, and maybe you're copping the brunt of it because u are a good friend and she knows that when she pulls through this,you'll still be there.
A good friend of mine was pregnant at the same time as me, however she had a miss carriage, she didn't want to be around me at the time. It took her a good 6 months to come to terms with what happened and later even apologised for it. But also thanked me for being there for her. Now we're better than ever.
I think u should just let her know you love her and are there for her when ever she's ready and that you look forward to seeing her again and leave it at that for a while.
I had a baby who passed away when she was 2 days old, I couldnt bring myself to look or hold at any babies I was so jealous that women had their babies and i didnt have mine. maybe talk to her without having your baby around if possible, and hopefully you can work it out, it is very hard I been through it, but just try to be there for her, many people dont know what to say or do to try and help the greiving parents.
I know you'll cop a lot from others and All I am going to say is please don't give up on your friend. She is going through a hard time and she needs you, she also needs someone to blame and get angry with and it is you. Write her a heartfelt hand written letter and let her know how you're sorry for the loss and that you'll be there for here now even if she doesn't need you to and you'll be there for her when she is ready to open up.