Alright, a bit of back ground, I was in a DV relationship and it took me along time to leave, every time I tried he would smash mine and the kids stuff, block the door and threaten me and push me around. I had enough of my kids looking so god damn scared all the time, called my friends whilst he was at the neighbours and told them to come over the next morning and help me pack our stuff and leave. I did. I don't regret it. Anyway, he is now threatening to kill himself (I left about 2 months ago) he tells me has nothing and no one (his parents are doing everything for him though!) he just seems so sad but he still will try to manipulate me and be just a horrid person. Problem is, I feel sorry for him, I don't want to feel sorry for him! He abused me and ruined our family! He said horrible things about the kids, he broke so many things that meant a lot to me, I've started again, I only took the kids stuff and my clothes, that's it! And I started fresh, looked for a house, re bought everything, he didn't have to do that! I just feel so bad for him, he is always texting me telling me he loves and misses me and it won't happen again but I've heard it all before! I guess I'm asking, how the hell do I move on in life? I've been asked on a couple dates and although I would like to go, I refuse as I worry he will see us or something and then make things worse! What do I do? I do still love and care for him, but I know he will never change and I know it's best for me and my children. Thanks ladies.
4 Replies
Firstly he is just acting out as part if the abuse cycle! He does have his family, but this is just what abusers do in an attempt to control you. Get yourself a new mobile number, turn the old phone off, and put it in the drawer somewhere. Only check it once a day, and only respond to messages that are about the kids, then turn it off again. He is not all alone, and even if he was, he did this to HIMSELF. There are plenty of places he can go to get support, friendship etc that aren't you, he know ls it, he is just doing what an abuser does, and that's manipulate.
Organise some counselling so you can understand the abuse cycle and have someone to keep you on track. It will also help you recognise early abuse in any future relationship, because it can be hard to recognise when that's what you are used to.
Now I'll tell you my sisters story, her ex was pulling the stunts that your ex is. Threatening suicide etc, telling her he loved her and needed her etc. what he didn't say was he'd moved a new girlfriend in 6 weeks after she left! His pathetic manipulating went on for another 12 months after that.
I can assure you it's all games, don't let him manipulate him back.
Dear IM,
Please PM me on Facebook and I can share my story with you.
I left a DV relationship in Feb and my ex did the same thing to me. Xxx
I've had 2 DV relationships, my first ex would abuse me do everything to hurt me then when he was sad & lonely he would suck me back in threaten suicide etc. He didn't do it, it was a game to him to see if I still cared, to know he could get me back. I went thru hell, self guilt & all the emotions of blaming myself & sought counselling for a long time. I stayed on my own for a year & worked thru issues, read up on abuse "why does he do that" is a great book.
Now I'm currently in a relationship that I should've seen all the red flags in. Sure he's not as violent as my ex but he's manipulative & emotionally abusive & once again I've lost myself, my confidence, my self esteem & blame myself, feel stupid etc. I'm now seeking counselling to get the strength back to leave. I have a child with both these ppl & I've tried to hold my family together & went thru the distress of watching everything fall apart. When I say I'm leaving this guy too says he has nothing, noone & will go & "swing on a rope" yet he does nothing to make the relationship better, address the issues etc.
Best advice I can give is see a psychologist & work out the reason that you got into a relationship that was abusive. I'm working thru this now & hopefully in future ill never attract another of this type.
Was just told a very similar story except how it ended was she went over to help him for same reasons you stated and he killed her and then himself... Call someone who can go to help him don't do it yourself...