Hi IM's, I'm not really sure what I'm after I just need to get this out as I feel like I'm going to loose it.
I have just had my 3rd bub 14wks ago. I know I have PND I have had it Un-diagnosed since my 1st was born but while pregnant with 3rd I finally got help and was put on antidepressants which have been up'd and I'm still on them.
The last few days I have just felt really bad again. I would never ever do anything to harm my kids they are my world, but I just don't want to be here any more. I don't want to live with my hubby anymore (but I don't want to loose him) I just can't handle living with him.
I feel like I can't handle looking after my kids. The older 2 just run riot and I try to keep the house clean but it's never clean enough for hubby (he has cleaning OCD). I have no friends that live near me so am always just at home with the kids. I have a couple of family members near by but they are all always to busy.
I can't remember the last time I had time to myself. Even after the kids are in bed hubby wants stuff done and if I say no he gets grumpy. I have tried talking to him about how I'm feeling but it just goes in one ear out the other. I feel like I'm not appreciated and I'm worthless. Maybe it would be better if I was gone. There has to be someone better than me that can look after the kids and hubby.
I seriously think it would be best for everyone. It's not like anyone would miss me or probably even realise I was gone.
Anyway not looking for sympathy I already know what I gotta do, just needed to write it down somewhere to get it out of my head.
7 Replies
Hang in there. Go back to your doctor and make sure he knows how you are feeling. Also make sure you take your husband to at least one appointment. Sometimes hearing it from a professional helps people get it. Use life line to speak to someone when ever your feeling low and make sure your friends and family know what your going through. Also I know this is hard but make sure your accessing all the services you can (which are hard to get the energy to organise). Ring your local council they might be able to help you with some home cleaning etc at a subsidised rate for a period of time but if you can afford it, get a cleaner. Get your kids in daycare etc. Anything to take some pressure off of you for awhile. You know deep down in side that this shall pass, you will feel better and your kids wouldn't want to be with anyone else and they would miss you. Also if your not seeing some kind of mental health professional do so as they can help you create a plan moving forward.
Big hugs chicky and you're totally not alone feeling this way. This was me a few months back. There is a light at the end of the tunnel and I'm proof of that. Keep checking in with your gp, get a care plan organized so you can go talk to a counselor. Bring hubby along to your gp to, he may have a better concept of it by hearing you talk to your gp. Maybe put the older children in childcare for a day or two so you can try and get jobs done undisturbed. Even try going for a walk when your feeling down, they fresh air usually helps. There are also heaps of support groups and pages online to.
You are NOT useless, you have PND and this is overriding your thought processes. Also it sound like your husband is not supporting you properly. If he has cleaning OCD that's HIS problem not yours. With a new baby and 2 other kids your house SHOULD be a mess! And hubby should be looking after you not the other way around. Your kids love u more than anything in the world and will never be better off without you. Please send this post to your hubby in an email/letter and he might finally get it. Also ring lifeline and ask about support services. Child health (Qld) can also provide someone to talk to. See if u can get older 2 kids into childcare to give u a break. Also call PANDA (mums that have had PND and can talk to you from a place of understanding). I so feel for u, it's SO hard being a mum of small kids with no support, I struggle too : )
I also felt this way after I had my fourth child. She is 2 and a half now , back then she was 6 or 7 months old. I thought that if I was gone then there would surely be people who would step in and help my husband and raise my kids. Anyone would be better than me. I still remember the moment that I turned a corner because it was then that I suddenly wondered.... What if that's not true? What if that doesn't happen? What if there isn't someone else who will love my kids more than I do? What if no one will love them as much as I do? I have always loved my children with all my heart and now I know for sure that no one could love them like I do and now I am well enough to feel love again and enjoy being with my beautiful kids. When you get better, it will be the same for you and you will be so so so proud of yourself for hanging in there and hanging on long enough to make it through. Go back to the doctors. You are on the right track! X
First of all I just want to say that you are worth it, you are needed as a Mum and your children need you more that you realise. I just want to share something with you that might make you realise this. I had a friend who had a son, she loved him so much and was the most amazing Mum, however was battling depression (unknown to a lot of people around her) and one day decided that she had had enough and took her own life, leaving her Son and her partner behind to face the aftermath of this alone. The night before we lay her to rest her son lay in her coffin with her hugging his Mum with no understanding that within 24 hours he would not be able to hug his Mum ever again. All night he cried out for his Mummy, it was a cry that Mums know every well, the cry that you know if Mum picked the kid up it would make everything better. It was heart breaking to listening to and it was heart breaking to watch her partner have to lay to rest the mother of his child. So please I ask you hang in there and don't let your kids have to experience this, don't let them have to battle the world alone without their Mummy they need you, not just as young kids but as they grow older and then when they have their own kids.
I also suffer from PND and have had many times where I have not wanted to be here but I just think of my friends Son and I can still hear the sound of him crying and think to myself, its not going to make it any easier me not been here. There are people out there that are willing to help you and willing to listen to you so please pick up the phone and make the call, make a appointment with them. Take your husband with you, maybe him hearing it from someone, a professional might make it hit home that this is serous and you need help and you need support. There is no shame in asking for help so please so this.
I know its easy to sit behind a computer and type but I just want you to know that you are WORTH everything to your kids. You said that you know what you have to do so do it, you have all these other Mums on here behind you, we might not be there physically but emotionally and mentally there are a lot of us that are or have been in the past feeling the same way.
You are going a great job, been a Mum and a wife are the hardest jobs in the world and you are right on track of been a great one :)
I fully understand where you're coming from. I pretty much feel the same way, except for hubby is a messy person, and I am forever cooking and cleaning the bloody house. I have "3 boys",...a husband, nearly 3 year old and a nine months old. I am taking comfort in you knowing that there is someone out there with similar experience. I cry almost everyday and I don't think hubby cares as he just doesn't listen to me when I talk to him about my feelings, I haven't had a time out for a long long time. Not much help here, but sending you hugs.
The only thing I can say is that there is no one on this earth better than you to look after your kids. Just as they are your world, you are theirs.
I hate being stuck at home too, maybe find a playgroup nearby, worst case the kids dont mess up the house for one day. Best case you find a friend who understands how full on having 3 kids can be and wants to hang out.
Is is there a room in your house that could be converted to a play room that hubby dosent need to go into?. That way you can shut the door on the mess and the rest of the house stays clean.
Deep breath mumma, remember you are loved by your babies and thats all that matters! x