Car crash in slow motion.. I'm sorry for the giant paragraph and my astonishing lack of grammar. Please bear with me cause this is hard.
This past year has been hell. And I'm finding it harder and harder to stay. You know what I mean. I have chronic pain, anxiety, Aspergers, cognitive and affective treatment resistant inherited and trauma based depression with suicidal ideation (yep got the mixed bag of crazy) I'm fighting a custody battle and 6 months ago my 2 year old drowned, I resuscitated her and she's fine (and a whole other story so I'll leave it at she's ok) but the flashbacks are just (I really don't have words) so I have court in a month and honestly I'm not sure how I will deal with it (6 months without my kids, only seeing them for an hour a week (hint don't tell the team leader that they are a bully and you don't like them or have any respect for them...in my defence she did commit to having a case review and decided that she did not want to... I'm just pleased I didn't swear honestly) but I'm on the ketamine for treatment resistant depression trials and yes it does work (slooooowly, if you are interested don't expect much for 6+ months and it will be others noticing the difference) so now while I'm doing great mental health wise. Emotionally I'm every train wreck that ever happened. I simply cannot stop myself from crying, at everything, at nothing! Just pain and deep sadness. If I loose can I make myself live even though I have nothing else (no friends, not much family that I'm not that close to and no work, hobbies or real interests. Honestly if I was a room I'd be a plain beige one without even a window for interest) so how do I find a way to keep on going? Because all I've used for 15 years has been "because I have to" and it's not enough. Yeah it sounds awful I have wonderful children, but they deserve better than a shell just going through the motions. I've forgotten how to want anything (other than to be not me!) and I've forgotten who I am.
Yes I know this sounds like one huge whinge, but I live in poverty I'm doing the best I can and its not enough
Lost, and please don't hurt me
Lost, and please don't hurt me
Posted in:
Mental Health, Anxiety & Depression, Things to do and see, Kids, Aspergers & Autism
2 Replies
You do want something, you want your children otherwise you wouldn't be fighting, you wouldn't be seeking treatment, you wouldn't be traumatised by something that makes me shudder at just the thought of facing. You saved your baby and you survived, I don't have your many hurdles but I would relive something so awful as well.
I can not begin to imagine how hard this struggle has been for you, and I would not show such disrespect to pretend I do. My heart aches for you and I wish you strength to continue your fight. x
Please hold on, wether your kids see you full time or for an hour a week, they need you. They love you. They don't want to loose there Mum.
I know it must seem so bleak at the moment, but life really can get better. Make sure you are talking to your mental health professionals. Don't be afraid to present at your local emergency department, ring lifeline or contact beyond blue.