Omfg.....the responses to the dv post where the husband is diagnosed with anxiety....
Some information.
THE VAST MAJORITY OF DV IN THIS COUNTRY INVOLVES;
1.undiagnosed mental illness
2.Substance abuse
While so many say oh that's just an excuse.....its over diagnosed its this that or the other
YOU FURTHER STIGMATISE MENTAL ILLNESS
Every single time you fob it off and
suggest they NOT SEE PROFESSIONALS
punish them FOR SEEING A PROFESSIONAL
or declare a diagnosis an EXCUSE....
You compound the already existing problem of prevalent domestic violence in this country.
Step 1 LISTEN
Step 2 EDUCATE YOURSELF
Step 3 GET PROFESSIONAL ADVICE
Step 4 TREATMENT
Step 5 SUPPORT
If your answer is to always just WALK OUT and don't look back....
You make a victim of their next partner.
And I am not saying you have to stay in the thick of it and deal...relationships last an awfully long time. Couples have ups and downs the way they relate to each other WILL change over time.
Some times you will be closer than at others.
Sometimes you will even need to separate. Separation is not a one way deal btw.
I've been separated for the better part of a year and I'm not looking for a divorce yet.
We are focusing on his health and even my own.
We are making the most of this time because during these therapies he can be more volatile. He can't function in a relationship he barely functions in a household.
But unless we do the work he never will be able too.
What do you want to teach your kids? That people are disposable? Or that recovery is possible!
It's perfectly fine to step back and even keep them at Arms reach when necessary. But you don't write people off.
Least of all if they are actually making an effort and doing the work.
What if you were diagnosed with cancer and your other half walked out on you because well pfft she is dead anyway why put myself through that?....
43 Replies
Im equally concerned by the responses that are telling her to stay. Live in a different place, cheer him on getting help, wait to see if he is going to follow through on treatment. Then make a decision. No point staying and working on something if you end up dead in the process.
Agree. I did mention that you don't have to be in the thick of it...
The prevalence of absolutes and black and white thinking is disturbing. I wonder how many readers of the page realise they advertise a mental illness with the way they think
Oooh no. If you're being abused you look after number one. No excuses, no reasons, Absolutely not staying because he'll just find another victim so it might as well be you.
You're not protecting someone who doesn't exist yet by staying. How twisted and involved we get.
Sure support him from afar.
Hey, he's done the damage and she can't feel it anymore, the damage is done, totally understandable.
Hope he gets the help he needs, it's up to him to make sure it doesn't happen to anyone else in the future. It's up to her to make sure it's not her. Only he can do the work, get the treatment, and make the changes, she doesn't need to be involved.
Damage? He has never laid a hand on her.
He lost his cool. Which is no less dignified than you vomiting the way you just did all over my post.
Yes damage. Dv isn't just laying hands on. it can be worse without, and deceptive because the victim thinks, but he didn't punch me.
I regret replying to such a rude combative stranger I wouldn't but that point cannot go unsaid.
Once you get out you'll see clearly again ( and probably become nice again too). Choosing your own health is never wrong.
As I said no less dignified than the way you vomited all over my post. Take your abusive self elsewhere.
Agree, sometimes we have to save ourselves
I have noticed you lurk the boards every weekend is this a past time for you? See how many bottles of wine you can down and spit your venom and hate at everyone on the forum?
You clearly have a personality disorder. This is the last time I tell you to go away.
No excuses for dv !! Save yourself first before it's too late !!
Did you even read the post? Because it is evident that you didn't.
Of course I did. And I read the comments that followed it. I'm actually horrified. Do you just post these things to get a reaction ??
Amen!!!!
This nasty woman needs to be banned from this site! I regularly read through comments & see 'her' respond, she gets quite nasty & seems to think she knows absolutely everything, and God forbid we disagree or have a different opinion! I'm pretty sure it's the lady with the blog name 'The little super hero' I do apologise if I'm wrong there but 98% sure!
I'm agreeable with this. I hate this "question" and I hate the fact you can't have a different opinion.im Not impressed!!! Kelly please delete this poster!!!
I agree. I am also sure this is the same lady who has the superhero blog. I have been not replying due to the fact she is aggressive and insulting in all replys and is actively looking for trouble by being so rude in her responses.
Has anyone messaged admin with screen shots?
I have reported her before due to the absolute rudeness of replies but she deletes them and then attacks the OP saying they deleted them
I have screen shots....of all of your abuse on MY post. Which kelly is welcome to.
Please send them through to Kelly. Just be sure you don't delete your replys when you do so she has a complete picture of why so many IMs are complaining.
Me too, I'm so glad that I took screenshots! I have loads of them. I hope this lady gets the help she needs
Ladies this may come as a shock to you but there is more to life than black and white, yes or no, in or out.
The world is full of numerous shades in between.
And this isn't a corny 50 shades of grey reference.
The fact is you haven't read it in such a manner as you would comprehend what I have said. This is evident in your responses which don't in ANY way actually address or reference what I have said. If you are not interested in engaging in constructive discussion and instead would just rather vomit hate and emotions everywhere DO NOT RESPOND.
I understand that you may consider me a threat. But I am not. Simply walk away if the discussion is beyond your black and white absolutes view of this world.
And please seek professional help.
I am not at all fishing for such responses, in fact such responses are not welcome at all.
Display some self control please.
Stop your word vomit.
I honestly think you need to take your own advice here lady!
Your kidding. I'm not wasting another second here, your opinion and view on the world is bleak. To all dv survivors pay no attention to this lady -ever
http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2009/05/18/cognitive-distortion-ho...
Us? By Summer Beretsky
~ 4 min read
“How are you?” asked one of my co-workers as I walked into the office this morning.
“Oh,” I said, “I’m exhausted. How are you?”
And I can’t remember how she answered that question because I was too busy thinking about what I’d just told her about being exhausted. Was I really exhausted? Not so much, I determined, after a little more thought. I was a bit sleepy, maybe, but I’d gotten eight hours of sleep. Why did I tell her I was exhausted?
Okay, grab a paper & pen. Give this little challenge a try: below, you’ll find several pairs of opposites. Some of them are grade-school simple; some are a little more complex. However, these are words that you probably use on a daily basis. Here’s the challenge: write down each of the below pair of opposites on a piece of paper. Then, write down a word — a SINGLE word — that accurately describes the middle ground between the pair of opposites.
Example: hot and cold. A good answer here would be “warm”, “lukewarm”, or “temperate”.
Ready? Promise not to scroll down until you complete this entire activity? Good. Okay, here we go:
1. black and white
2. large and small
3. up and down
4. left and right
5. fast and slow
6. easy and hard
7. young and old
8. loud and quiet
9. good and bad
10. near and far
11. pass and fail
12. happy and sad
13. clean and dirty
14. shy and outgoing
15. calm and anxious
Got your list? Alright, take a good look at all of the words you’ve written down. Do they have anything in common? If your list is anything like mine, all of the “middle ground” words are similar in a way: they’re all a bit muddy and bland. Let’s go over some possible answers: obviously, the color “gray” falls between black and white, and I’ll bet you wrote that one down. Where are you if you’re not left nor right? Well, you’re “moderate” or in the “center”. If you’re not young or old, perhaps you’re “middle-aged”. What if you’re buying a shirt and it’s not small or large? It’s probably a medium.
Medium, middle-aged, moderate, average, gray. Maybe you even wrote the words “normal”, “so-so”, or “average” on your paper. Most writers try to avoid using these words & other gray-colored language altogether. (Unless they’re, um, writing a blog entry about those very words.)
Did you have trouble nearing the end of the activity? Don’t worry, you’re not alone. I couldn’t find any way to describe the middle ground between “shy and outgoing” or “calm and anxious” with a single word. Or even with a bunch of words. There’s no convenient word or phrase in the English language, it seems, to describe the middle ground between several sets of the polar opposites listed above. How does this deficiency of the English language harm us?
Take a look at the word list again. How often do you use words like “happy and sad”? You’ve probably uttered most of them today without even realizing it. After all, simplifying our stories for others with polar words like “sad”, “bad”, and “far” is convenient. It’s easier for a student to lament that his or her research paper is “far” from being completed (especially if they’re seeking empathy) than to get into the details of exactly how much is done and how much is left to write. And we’re all guilty of watching a movie or reading the news and calling someone “the bad guy” — it sounds a lot more poignant than qualifying your statement & balancing it with a list of their positive attributes. Resorting to polar words (in cases where a middle-ground word would more accurately describe the situation) can change the truth of the situation that we are describing.
Each of the above pairs of opposites (and many, many more) can induce dichotomous thinking. It’s commonly referred to as “black and white” thinking and it can have negative effects on the way we see ourselves or the situations that we are using language to describe.
Back to my morning conversation with my co-worker: I told her I was exhausted, but it wasn’t a truthful statement. It’s not like I meant to lie to her. I mean, why would I lie about my level of tiredness? There’s no good reason for that. What I did do was unconsciously utilize dichotomous language. I exaggerated my own feelings of sleepiness.
I’ll face it; I like being descriptive. And “exhausted” packs more of a verbal punch than words like “sleepy” and “drowsy.” But again, using dichotomous language boosts dichotomous thinking, and the latter is a type of cognitive distortion that can negatively influence the way you feel about yourself. If you’re dealing with anxiety, casual usage of extremely polar words can lead you to magnify thoughts and events through a distorted lens that can ultimately make you more anxious.
Here’s a classic example: “I think I totally failed my math test.” The word “fail” falls at the polar end of the pass/fail continuum. If you find yourself saying or thinking something similar, stop. Step out of your brain for a second and engage in some meta-cognition, or thinking about thinking. How’d you come to the conclusion that you failed? Maybe you didn’t pass, but are you sure that you failed? Might your performance have fallen somewhere in the middle of pass and fail?
Luckily, in academia, there are letter grades from A through F that can break down the continuum a bit & help you to avoid dichotomous thinking. But in other contexts, it’s not so easy: Let’s say you tell a friend that you’re feeling anxious. Perhaps you’re certain that you’re not calm, but how far from calm are you? Are you truly anxious — with a racing heart, rapid breathing, and sweaty palms — or are you somewhere in the middle of calm and anxious?
How can you decrease your black and white thinking? The answer is pretty simple: remember to add shades of gray.
There’s no good word to describe the middle ground in the above scenario with anxiety — not one that I can think of, at least — but if you can coin one, use it. Or, try using a number scale to describe where you fall on the calm/anxious continuum. If the worst anxiety you’ve ever felt is a 10, perhaps public speaking is only a 7 and thinking about a deadline at work is a 5.
Try to catch yourself using this type of black-and-white thinking for the next few days. Jot down the situation in which you used an exaggerated word; then, take a step back, assess your word choice, and improve your story with a gray-colored word. You’re turning 40 today and you just called yourself old. How true is this? Do you know anyone who is older? Might you simply be middle-aged? You told yourself today that you’re shy; but, are you only shy in a particular situation? Where do you fall on the shyness scale of 1 to 10?
Catching yourself using dichotomous thinking (and correcting yourself) can transform an unrealistic thought into a more truthful (and probably less stress-inducing) one. Unglamorous adjectives like “middle-aged” or “in-between” and low-impact phrases like “moderately shy” probably won’t win you any grand literary awards, but they do stand a good chance at helping you view the world through a more accurate lens.
Black and White Thinking Is Both a BPD and NPD Trait
Splitting causes massive confusion in family and friends
Posted Dec 02, 2011
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/stop-walking-eggshells/201112/black...
This is part 8 on my series on the similarities and differences between people with borderline personality disorder and those with narcissistic personality disorder. You can find part 1 here, part 2 here, part 3 here, part 4A here, part 4B here part 5 here, and part 6 here and part 7 here.
Being split black can happen out of the blue and can leave you reeling. One day you may be enjoying the "best" intimacy, sex, love, times of the relationship and the next you are dealing with a robot void of emotion, icy cold, and being completely ignored. (FromBPD Relationship Recovery -- Me Project) (link is external).
Splitting, or all-or-nothing-thinking, has always been considered a borderline trait. But like emptiness, it commonly occurs in people with narcissistic personality disorder as well.
Splitting is a cognitive distortion and defense mechanism--a totally unconscious way BPs and NPs make sense of the world. It causes mood swings and contributes to arguments, criticism, and blame. For example:
Family members are seen as all good or evil; idealized and devalued. BPs and NPs put them on a pedestal (often at the beginning of the relationship) and knock them right off of it when the new partner invariably disapoints.
People with BPD (and sometimes the "vulnerable" type of NPD) see themselves as good or evil, idealized or devalued depending upon how they feel that day. When they see themselves as all bad, BPs are at risk for self harm or impulsive, reckless behaviors.
Situations are seen as great or terrible, e.g. losing a job means one will be unemployed for life.
Narcissistic vs. borderline splitting
Those with NPD value those who give them admiration, approval, and narcissistic supply. Unsurprisingly, they devalue people who don't go along with their grandiose fantasies. As one NP says, "You value those who feed your world and your view of yourself." Narcissistic splitting seems to be focused more on "superior-inferior" terms, such as the competent parent versus the incompetent parent, or the supposedly financially brilliant NP versus the financial incompetent spouse.
People with BPD split depending whether or not others are meeting their emotional needs, whether that is not abandoning them or giving them some space when they feel engulfed (one follows the other and then back again). BP's see people as all-good or all-bad in "close relationship" terms, judging qualities such as trustworthiness, sexual fidelity, or betrayal.
When BPs get divorced, they often have custody or access battles over the children because they see the other parent as morally evil (making claims that the soon-to-be-ex will sexually abuse the child, abandon the child, or neglect the child). When NPs get divorced (or several years later when they have an unrelated set-back--a narcissistic injury) they often seek full custody of the child because they see themselves as a superior parent and the other parent as incompetent.
Examples from non-PD partners
Lynda: Before I met him, my boyfriend had many chaotic relationships. He would fall in love overnight, ask the person to move in with him, and then create fights to get them to leave. We can be incredibly close. He¹ll tell me that our relationship is the best he¹s ever had and that I¹m the most brilliant and sexy person in the universe. Minutes later, bam, we have a minor disagreement, it turns into a big fight, and he completely cuts himself off from me for two weeks at a time.
Splitting partners, children and friends
Janet: On rare occasion, he will say I am wonderful, one in a million. More often, he will say I am a bitch and I am the reason our kids have problems. He says the same about our kids: when our son does something wrong, like changes his mind about coming home from college for the weekend, my husband will say our son must be flunking out. Or he'll say he must be on drugs; I won't give him another dime unless he shows me his grades. Other times he gives them gifts of money or other things.
Regarding his friends and acquaintances, my husband may maintain a friendship with someone for many years, then discover some flaw in that friend (something as trivial as poor academic ability) and end the friendship on a dime. Thereafter, he will have nothing good to say about that former friend and plenty bad to say about him.
Splitting and mood
Edwin: He could be absolutely euphoric one moment and so angry the next. Like hanging out chatting and then getting a phone call from his sister or parents that drastically changed his mood. I learned to screen his calls.
He loved me and said I was the absolute best, but if my gay friend from kindergarten called me, then I was a slut who didn't love him enough. He could be fine and listening to the kids goofing off in the car, to all of a sudden screaming at them because they were too noisy.
He was euphoric and happy on a recent vacation but pretended (I think) he had a dream about my old boyfriends. He berated me the entire way home. He said, what was wrong with me? Why did I sleep with so and so? How could I let so and so touch me and so on. He also went from very down and sure he was stupid and unlovable to being happy and feeling more loved.
Splitting and divorce
Kevin: She treated me like a prince when we were dating and through the early part of marriage. After I filed for divorce (she refused to stop her extramarital affair), she turned on me, saying, "I'm going to make your life a living hell." It was a face that I had never seen before, like looking at the devil. It was very frightening. And she made good on her promise.
Splitting and breaking up/getting back together
Vic: One day she wants to spend her life with me forever, I am so loving, so gentle and patient...and the next day, I am not fulfilling or sensitive enough or emotional enough or available enough....and the next day, she can't stand to be away from me and misses me terribly and can't imagine her life without me...and the next day I am too young, don't talk about my feelings enough.
And then it's, I still have a child at home and she is ready for a partner that doesn't have a child; and the next day, she loves to be with me, our bodies fit so perfect together, she has never let herself be loved so much or given so much to a relationship; and the next day, the relationship isn't working, she needs her freedom, she wants to travel, she hates talking on the phone and having a relationship in which we rarely see each other (by her choice); and the next day she loves me and misses me terribly, and so on and so on and so on for eleven years.
Enjoy the lessons from two widely published psychologists.
I didn't read that. No one will. No ones here for your long random unpleasant lessons . Clearly you need help but I don't think you're getting it this way, and I'm sad to think of the quality conversations and responses we're losing at the same time.
*sigh* and this is why I lobbied for mental health screening to be done by default in all family law cases.
Read it you will find it enlightening....twitter snips wont teach you anything.
Hey IM, I'm not sure what's going on in your life to be so mean but I really hope you can move forward and be happy and accepting. We are all here to help and aupport in a positive way.
But I do have to ask given this isn't the first time and is an ongoing issue, how many IMs do you need to respond to realise you need to change tactics?
You may have helpful information but the way you attack every reply and tell them they have mental problems and to seek help, or insult them outrageously is not helping you to get your message across.
So far I have not seen any positive responses to your replies / questions as you are so aggressive and rude.
This is not what Imperfect Mum is for.
We are a community of people asking and receiving advice which may or
May not agree with our own opinion but it gives insight and different perspectives in a friendly environment with respect and caring in our comments.
Your advice may be valuable however the aggression and insults are not.
I am happy and accepting of the entire spectrum of reality.
I have been attacked every time I have posted anything which walks a middle road.
Dichotomous thinking is exceptionally unhealthy and a prominent symptom of borderline personality disorder and narcissistic personality disorder. It fuels and causes conflict it is incredibly unhealthy and leads to the emotional abuse of the individuals who live with such people.
These are disorders most commonly found in women. Particularly women with a history of unstable relationships.
Sorry but I'm not going to damage my mind just to fit in to your unhealthy world view.
I already have a 16 page report stating that I am an incredibly well balanced individual whose mental health is exceptionally well managed. Why would I compromise that?
Ok so if you admit you have been attacked every time you post for being rude here and you are saying we are all mentally unstable why are you still causing trouble?
Why not walk away and say you're the better person?
As they say you can't change a fools mind.
If every reply to your posts is by people you have deemed unstable then please walk away and leave us to our discussions
I have as much right as you do to use this forum I would much rather share and bring people up, rather than attack and bring people down as you have repeatedly attempted.
The majority of the forum arent mentally unstable there are only a handful of you.
Just don't reply to my posts.
What you dont see due to the dichotomy is that there are not just two answers.....there are dozens of options.
As was the whole point of this post. STOP disposing of people.
I am sure you would much rather your children considered that somewhere inside you was something worthwhile and that recovery is actually possible rather than just discard you as toxic.
Seriously ...??! Kelly PLEASE!!
Intriguing that you feel attacked, and would rather bring people up. I haven't seen it at all its shocking. I hope you can stop replying when you feel attacked, everybody can post what they want, all we can control is how we act. ignore and move on. Definitely don't sling shit, call names, insult, try to enlighten etc etc. It's unwelcome from anybody.
I agree you have as much right as any of us to use this forum.
However you do not have the right to attempt to humiliate, insult and degrade the value of those replying
Ok let me outline this AGAIN...
MY POST...
YOU STOP REPLYING.
YOUR CONTINUED COMMENTS ACTUALLY LEGALLY CONSTITUTE HARRASSMENT.
And only further evidence of your inability to leave things alone.
https://www.facebook.com/Theimperfectmum/videos/1015166728549957/?permPa...
Move along.
Ah see there's the confusion. This is a public forum. Anybody can post it doesn't belong to anybody. It should be used to post a question to receive help, not a statement of opinion. Then everybody is encouraged to post their own view, suggestion, idea, help, support. We're all here to share , not to be lectured to and censored. No ones view is any more valuable than any others, there's a very broad range of views, formed from different experiences values and viewpoints, just hopefully something in it helps the person posting find their way.
There is indeed a broad range of views stop attacking people whose don't align with yours.
I am astonished at how you reconcile the incongruity of your rationalisation of your behaviour on this thread. You must truely be chronically psychologically torturing yourself getting it straight.
And the irony of you liking my comments because you think I'm directing them at myself.
sharing my view is not an attack, it's registering disagreement. If you say something outrageously left of field as a fact,( like telling people not to give up on a dv relationship because it teaches the kids their parent is disposable) you can expect some passionate responses. There's a big difference between that and making snide rude personal attacks and arguments.
Simple rule is don't attack and insult. Be polite and supportive.
The replys to your post are not rude they are simply the view of people who are sick of being attacked by you on every post, not just your posts but comments you make on other IMs posts attacking them and being rude
I actually haven't I think half the issue here is you don't comprehend what I am writing.
Big words and all that...there you are my first insult.
Believe it or not there are actually individuals who agree with what I wrote. But Goodluck finding them amongst your flood of abuse....you have likely scared the others off she posted halfway through your tidal wave of rejection of my right to have a viewpoint.
Is it my independence that you find so offensive?
That I don't have to ask you about the small stuff...
That the questions I ask you dont have answers to because you have no experience with it?
Its alright not to have an answer you know. Even when it's a difficult question....
Not everyone has experience in everything....I have alot of experience but not in everything there are many questions I dont answer. Do me the favour and stop trying to answer mine without any knowledge on the subject.
Although what you may consider offensive is what is called hyperbole.
Its not an insult it isnt rude and it isnt offensive. What it is, is exaggeration of a scenario to highlight issues within given viewpoints.
Not everything that exists is intended to be taken as a personnal affront.
Although individuals with BPD struggle with recognising that not everything is directed at them.
On one of the pages I run is a BPD girl...every single article and blog post she takes personally....none are related to her I don't write them. The authors arent even aware of her existence.
She has let loose on them all for so many years now that we don't even attempt to calm her down or point out the ridiculous nature of taking it as a personnal insult.
After about 6 years she now only eviscerates maybe 1 in 6 articles.
Let's leave this for Kelly to resolve.
Kelly if this doesn't make sense please let us know as a few people have said they have screen shots so if the abusive replys to this or other posts as reffered to above are deleted I'm sure they can be provided.
Reminds me of my ex. He'd also claim to be equally victimised and hurt as I was. Only my tone of voice in one word, would cut him just as equally as his insults, put downs, swearing, nastiness exploding and smashing things. But both equal in his mind.
I am new to the forum of posts and responses and currently in a dv situation involving children.
I feel that and what I have been advised by many professionals is that....
You cant change someone who doesnt see an issue with their behaviour. So the only option after failing to get him help is now working up the strength to leave.
You CANNOT STAY realistically for the reason to get them to change. Domestic violence escalates and is very dangerous. This is what I have done in the past year and ahalf TRIED TO FIX THINGS!! Its not working.
I understand your opinion that you shouldnt just give up on a relationship half the reason as to why myself and many other domestic violence victims keep going back amd trying harder and eventually get killed sometimes because they are believing in that if I just try harder maybe he will stop. Along with another billion reasons. Again maybe if I keep trying to get him help I can get him to change.
I need to accept that the TRUST we have is GONE and its NEVER coming back. If I stay he is going to beat me and I know he will soon. He keeps saying he will.
Please for you to write this. You should be advising they seek help at their local womens centre. AND CALLING 1800 RESPECT who also have online counselling.