Sorry its so long...
I had my 2nd baby 8 weeks ago. I also have a 2 year old. I feel like things are getting on top of me and I honestly can't tell if it's all normal settling in or some sort of anxiety or depression.
My husband's dad passed away unexpectedly when my baby was 10 days old. They never met. I've tried to remain strong for my husband and not ask for much help. He works 6 days a week just to make ends meet, and is tired and sore when he gets home. He'll help with the 2 yr old but once our 2 yr old is in bed he'll go and sit by himself outside or play xbox. There's limited adult conversation. He doesn't really do much with the baby. He will if i ask, but if i dont hes happy to leave me to it. This is probably my fault i guess. We've had sex once and it was horrible. I simply have no thoughts about sex at all. He doesn't ask but i know it's contributing to our distance. I don't know how he is coping deep down, he probably has no idea I'm struggling. I feel like he doesn't need another burden. Another thing to stress about.
The baby feeds all day long, he has severe reflux. He sleeps at night so I guess that's a blessing. Now apparently is underweight and 'will need to go on formula' if things don't improve. That's hit me hard. I'm running myself into the ground physically only to be told, your baby is failing to thrive. Might as well told me that I am failing to feed him.
My housework is overwhelming. I get no time to do it. If I get time, i haven't got the energy. When i do clean, it's a mess by the next day. It never ends, there is always SO MUCH TO DO.
I get anxious when I'm driving, there's idiots everywhere and I can't seem to figure out how the hell you can go out with 2 kids. The 2 yr old has gone from a sweet little boy to 'that kid' that throws tantys in the shops and refuses to hold my hand going to the car. It scares the hell out of me. So I just don't go.
Last but certainly not least I absolutely hate what I see in the mirror. 40kgs overweight that I've been trying to shift. It's not budging. We don't even eat unhealthy. I don't drink. I don't smoke. The few days I've tried to watch what I eat but still eat enough, my milk supply drops down and the baby feeds all night as well as all day. He doesn't go to bed satisfied. I'd love to exercise, the past few times I've tried it's hurt my csection incision. I don't know how or why, all I'm doing is walking the kids in the pram. I have no clothes that fit, no money to buy more and I've turned into this socially awkward, reclusive person when out because I have no confidence and just feel disgusting.
The whole lot is just overwhelming. I'm beginning to feel like I need things to settle down and just take a freaking break. Will it happen? Do I just need to give it time? Is this just due a stressful time in my life and normal feelings or is this pnd? Does it sound like my husband is depressed as well?
If you got this far thanks for reading.
3 Replies
Honey, big hugs, you are expecting too much of yourself. You had a baby 8 weeks ago! Of course you are exhausted, of course you can't loose weight yet, of course you can't be on a diet, of course you can't exercise yet without some pain. You are doing too much and expecting too much, and of course your two year old has hit the terrible twos!!!!
BUT you do need to talk to your GP. You do need to be assessed for PND and even if you don't have PND you need some support because you have a lot going on at once. If you have a friend or family member who could give you a hand around the house, do your washing or dishes, entertain your toddler then ask them for help!
Going from 1 to 2 is totally different from having the first because the first one there was no toddler creating chaos why you did what you had if with a baby.
Give yourself a break regarding the weight, those images of people who loose weight so soon after a baby are unrealistic. They either have great genetics, or the easiest babies in the world, or partners who are extremely hands on!
So off to your GP and please give yourself a break
Oh darling, you've been through a lot!!! Having an unsettled Bub on its own is a bloody mission and so very exhausting, let alone everything else you've had to manage on top of that. I'm so sorry to hear about your father in law, I'm sure your husbands actions are his way of dealing with the death of his father. Maybe he needs to seek counselling to work through his feelings, but to me it sounds like he is going through his stages of grief. Have a chat to him and explain that you are also feeling the pain of losing his father, and that you'd like to support him if he could in turn help support your grief. Formula is not the be all and end all of a situation. My second child was a sick baby and after expressing and cup/bottle feeding her for 4 months I made the decision to switch to formula because it was what was best for her. I beat myself up so bad for it, and did end up with PND and anxiety because of it. But guess what, she's the healthiest 15 month old kid I know now. And she's thriving. You're not a failure, it's not your fault at all that your babe has reflux! Give yourself a break with regards to the housework and losing weight. C-sections are so hard on your body, I've had two and from my experience I needed a good 6 months before I could exercise without being in any pain. The more you push it now, the worse off you will be and your journey will take a lot longer. Your two year old is acting normal (believe it or not!), and it is hard to get out of the house with two kids to start with. Just give yourself time! There's no rules saying you need to have everything under control by a certain date after the birth of your second baby. Shop online for your groceries and either do click and collect or home delivery, until you feel confident going out with both kids. Is there a local Australian breastfeeding association that hold weekly meetings you could attend? It's a great way to meet other mums and get support and advice to help you without any judgement whatsoever. Things will definitely settle down, just don't put so much pressure on yourself. As the above poster said, what you see online and in magazines is ridiculous and it makes so many of us set impossibly high standards for ourselves. Be kind to yourself, you're doing an awesome job mamma.
I could have written this 5 years ago. My FIL passed away suddenly when my second child was 5 weeks. My husband (who was understandingly devastated) would disapppear to the shed once he got home from work, leaving me to deal with the newborn & 18mth old, neither were sleeping through the night. I felt like I was loosing it, sleep deprived, overweight, struggling to leave the house with my little ones. I knew I needed help, but I couldn't even get to my GP. It was the hardest 12 months ever. I ended up putting my oldest in day care for 1 day a week so I could have a catch up day, groceries, cleaning, washing etc. And I started walking with pram every day. Gradually I got on top of things, my husband started coming to terms with losing his dad & we pushed through & you will too. Please, you're being too hard on yourself. Your baby only 8 weeks, the most important thing is you take care of yourself, so you can take care of your kids. Sleep when you can, eat well, play with your kids & let your husband know you are there for him, but you need some help from him too. If he can't manage that at the moment, get some outside help day care, groceries delivered. Sending you love & hugs honey, you can do this xo