Hi IMs,
I've just found out I am pregnant with baby number three. I love my other two like nothing else, but I am unsure if I am ready to add another. My other two are fairly close together and still young at 1 & 2 years.
We weren't actively trying to prevent, but we definitely weren't trying either.
The thought of getting 'rid' of it is upsetting, but I need to consider options because I don't think I'm ready right *now*!
But, I would love to hear other IMs stories - positive, negative, if you did do something about it.
It doesn't necessarily have to be your third, or second even. Just any stories of how you overcame the feeling, or.....anything.
With number one I had antenatal and postnatal depression, with number two I had a touch of postnatal, but nothing near with number one. I also suffer anxiety, but that is for the most part under control now. So that is something I need to take into consideration as well.
I am desperate. I am in this alone for the minute because I need time to process it before I tell my husband. I don't know how he will feel. And I know I will get some backlash from family as well.
If I decide to do something about it, I don't know if I will tell him, and I definitely won't tell family.
I'm just all over the place right now.
Thanks in advance!
14 Replies
Firstly, sending you a big hug. If you have a history of PND, I'm assuming that means you have a therapist or similar? I think you should make an appointment as soon as you can. I have been in your shoes. I based my decision firstly on what was best for me, then what was best for the children I already had.
Usually if you don't want to have a baby, you actively try and prevent it. You didn't do that, is it possible that deep down you did want another?
Ask yourself this, what would you find harder to live with, keeping a baby you didn't want, or having a termination?
Talk to your husband regardless of his reaction you will need his support.
it costs $600 before week 10 to abort using medication. It costs close to $1000 after that depending on things.
you will need support either way. Xxoo
We terminated #3 as we were not in the position or in the right time frame. It was conceived while taking the mini pill and breastfeeding. The decision absolutely broke both of us and we still hold a lot of guilt over it. We have since had number 3 and and currently early with number 4. It is a very hard decision either way and only one that you can make. Think all the options through properly as you can't change once you've chosen either. Best of luck to you.
I am the Im who posted this.
By not actively trying to prevent, I mean I am breastfeeding so the pill is out, dr wouldn't put in IUD as had some cervical issues, mini pill made me bleed constantly, the rod in my arm was the same as the mini pill, and the dr said not to use the shot as it was likely to be the same as the rod and mini pill.
We were using condoms, and timing (condoms when I had tested positive to ovulating using maybe baby), I'm also breastfeeding and no regular periods. But though we were on track with the timing :-/
When I say not actively trying to prevent I should have been a bit more specific, but I honestly didn't think the judgmental comments would be added. Especially since you do not know the full situation.
I had an abortion when I was 19 against the wishes of the father and his family, but there is not a day that goes by that I regret it. It was not my time to have a baby. Now in my 30s I have my son who I adore and still no regrets. Only you know what's rite for you, however consider telling your husband its not a secret you should keep to yourself if you don't have it, especially if there are any regrets. My sister also recently had an abortion, it would have been her 5th child but was not prepared to alter not only her life but the life of her family. It was a very hard decision for her to make but in the end she knows that it was the best thing for her and she is happy with her decision. On a piece of papper write done lists of pros and cons, I find that helps in making big decisions. Sending you hugs. I hope in the end you do what's rite for you and you have support around you.
I was on the mini pill, breast feeding and still fell pregnant. I also know what you mean about side effects, they make it so hard for women. Try not to worry about the judgemental comments x
I had an abortion in November last year and there hasn't been a day gone by that I haven't regretted it . I have a 3 year old who is hard to handle and suffer from depression and anxiety . I fell pregnant on the pill to a new partner who I had only been with a few months , I honestly didn't know if our relationship was going to last and I knew I couldn't handle being a single mum to 2 kids , now 4 months on my relationship is going strong and I live with the guilt and regret everyday :( I wish I could go back in time and change my decision .
Stop worrying. It's your third child not your 13th! You'll be fine, your other two children will be fine. This baby deserves the same excitement & anticipation your other two received. Yes a third feels overwhelming but we just have to bite the bullet & find our way just the same as the last time, and the time before. Tell your Hubby! Part of your anxiety is that you're worrying about this alone. You can do this! Congratulations!!
I don't have long to write. This is how I coped with no. 4 (when she was born I had a 3 yo and 2 yo old twins. I had mild PND and my pregnancies are ugly with debilitating to severe morning sickness for 6 months).
My concerns were :
1) I wouldn't cope
2) my other children would suffer
3) increase marital stress
I seriously considered abortion, made a GP appointment. Husband was horrified.
My break through came when I saw baby on an early ultrasound scan. It was the first connection I felt and when this 'thing' became a baby. I didn't melt or feel overwhelming love, but I realised my limitation of not being able to live with termination, which brought some relief.
I still struggled with coming to terms with the pregnancy on & off over the next couple of months and I still hoped I would miscarry. 1st 3 months after baby was born were hell. After that things eased up considerably. Baby is now 10 months and I'm still happy with my decision.
My marriage lasted, my other kids didn't suffering and I'm well. My advice would be to dig deep(er) and call on all the support you can (husband, parents, siblings, community groups and friends).
Work out what you can live with. It's different for every person and situation.
P.s this is a sensitive topic, so without knowing you, advice can sound condescending or judgmental. This is not my intention, nor does it sound like the intention of the other anonymous IM. Good luck.
I had three under three, the last one was a pill baby and there was only 11 months between them. It wasn't easy but there is not a day that goes by that I would wish her away. I love her to absolute bits and my partner was actually more prepared than I was, I was freaking out. I'm not saying it's easy but please think it through, I suffer from anxiety but when things could have been worse my children have made me laugh and brightened my whole outlook on life. Maybe you're meant to have one more... x
Please don't take the negative "no sympathy" comments on the main FB post to heart. It's a personal decision that only you can make and people shouldn't be so judgemental.
From a personal experience if you are considering an abortion please just be aware this can also trigger anxiety and depression as I found out. I had an abortion many years ago, because I felt I wasn't ready and hasn't planned the pregnancy. It was the hardest decision I ever made, and one of my biggest regrets even years later. If you're mentally strong enough to deal with it, then it's a different story and I thought I was at the time, but was proven wrong. The guilt has stayed with me and after having another baby if anything it got worse. This isn't the case for everybody so only you can decide. Don't just think of the now, please consider the anniversary of the abortion date, and the anniversary of when your baby would have been born. These were things I didn't consider at the time and wish someone had told me to think ahead to the emotional struggles I would face. It's very hard.
Good luck, I hope you find your happy tree.
Thank you. That is also something I need to consider.
I think my anxiety, and depression would be much worse if I went through with an abortion.
I really REALLY appreciate your honesty, and you have also given me something else to think about, as I wasn't thinking about the future (eg. anniversaries).
This is the IM who wrote this again.
I have just learnt the hard way not to write things while you are emotional, scared and confused.
Words are misplaced, information is missed out, and assumptions are made by other people.
(Yep, but not actively trying to prevent, I didn't mean we were being irresponsible, I just meant that I wasn't on a chemical form of contraception...my fault for not specifying).
So, thank you to the IMs who were polite, and instead of offer me their opinions on abortion or my situation, actually answered my question and told me about their experiences and told me it would work out, and be ok (tough, but ok!).
To the IMs who were so rude, your opinion is your opinion, but that is not what my question was asking for, or about. I was asking for experiences, not opinions on the situation. Keep it in mind for the future. Your opinion is your opinion, but not necessarily helpful, or appropriate for every situation!
Thanks to everyone else!
I went through exactly this and although the hardest decision I have ever made for my family's best I decided to terminate, my husband was also totally against a 3rd child, it was very difficult and I went to counciling after. I still have sad moments but I do feel I made the right decision, not sure where the other posters get the costs from but my termination was at 12 weeks & cost $300. Good luck with your decision give the parents by choice free phone line a call for some non judgemental counciling