I'm going to make this short.
I have a daughter (6yo) and have been separated from her biological father since her first birthday.
We were both fairly young when we had her and unfortunately her father did not want to be an adult yet (drank, smoked, partied and did drugs) instead of facing the reality of being a parent.
It took me a solid year for me to wake up to what was really happening with him and I called our relationship (engaged for 2 years) off.
I gave him ever opportunity to be a part of his daughters life. He chose not to take them and instead continued on with his life like we didn't exist.
I contacted his family (his mother raised him on her own, as his father left when he was a baby) and said that if they wished to be part of his daughters life they had my contacts and I welcomed them to call.
I never heard.
Fast forward 5 years. I am recently engaged, I have a partner who my daughter identifys as her father and loving family support from my partners family and my own. We are simply happy.
However a few weeks ago I get a call from an old friend of my ex's. He told me that my ex's body was found after a drunken mishap. I brushes it off but the very next day it was confirmed the body they found was his.
I was a little in shock, then disbelief and now just angry.
I spoke to his friends, made sure they were ok. I helped contact old friends and even spoke to his ex's to make sure they were ok.
No contact from his family.
The day of the funeral came. I had prepared to take the time off work to pay my respects and say my goodbyes. I was contacted by a close friend to tell me I was not to go. The family had asked specifically that i do not attend.
I was shocked. I took the higher ground and I didn't go.
There was no mention of his daughter at his funeral. There was no pictures, no stories, no references to a child at all.
We didn't exist. My daughter did not exist to them.
I realised that the family may have been in a denial state. That they may have needed to see only the good in my ex to get through the days, but where was my closure?
Why was I denied the right to say goodbye? Why am I left to explain to our daughter that her bio dad was not around and now he is dead?
Why am I once again left to pick up the pieces of the mess he has left behind because he never grew up?
I always believed that he would one day have to explain to our daughter why he never saw her.
Now I have to, and I don't know what to say!
I will not lie to her!
2 days after the funeral the family posted a death notice in the news paper. It read that he was a loving father to our daughter.
I am so very confused by the mixed signals that his family are send me.
I just have no idea where my head is at. I am afraid that if they now contact me or even choose to further down the path I will have all this pent up anger with them that I'll explode.
Am I being reasonable? Are my feeling rational? Is this just a weird grief that I'm feeling and I'm looking for someone to blame or am I over thinking?
Thank you ladies and gentlemen in advance.
2 Replies
No advice but I think you are being very rational and completely reasonable xx
Here is my thinking. Your ex has probably given his family a big story about why he didnt see his kid, and of course it was all your fault. Parents sometimes just can't see how crap there own kid is, and if they do they don't want to be embarrassed by it at there sons funeral. Them not wanting you at the funeral fits with the theory that he told a bunch of stories about you not letting him see his child. Don't blame the parents, blame there asshole son.
You can still say your goodbyes, write a letter and burn it, visit his grave. You don't have to go to a funeral to get closure. You'd probably still be angry at him even if you had gone to the funeral.
I probably wouldn't tell your daughter anything at this stage unless she asks questions. I'd basically answer, daddy was sick, couldn't get healthy and died. As she ages and asks more questions then you give more detail, answers appropriate for her age.