I am feeling so lost today.
I've called my mum and asked her to take my baby and my teenager foster son for the day - while I work out how to cope here in.
Friday night teenager went to a friend's house. They ended up at an out of control open party - which there is no way in hell I would have ever agreed to.
I've done further digging (gotta love social media) and I have found other times he has done the same thing. There could even be more than I know. I have photo evidence of alcohol and evidence of police attendance.
Even though I had all of this and I knew more information than what he realised through asking around and being a mini detective... He just kept on lying and lying and lying. And when I would pull him up on something... He would lie more!
I've since worked out that he has 2 Facebook accounts - one for our family and one for THOUSANDS of random people (3,000+).
I just don't know what to do anymore. He came into our lives with no possessions, a horrific background and I knew this was going to be tough. I have spoiled him ridiculously and try to be like a normal mum for him and have open communication... But a year of pretending to be this awesome kid and having us fooled... To find out almost all of it in the space of a day... I am shattered. I feel like he has spat on us the entire time and just has no remorse.
Not to mention that I have a 15 week old baby... A husband that is working long hours to progress in a new job...
My husband just says, he's a teenager... With a lot of issues... That I shouldn't take it personally.
But, where do I even start to stop the lying and the deceit?
He is grounded and because the trust has been broken, he won't get the freedoms he has had and betrayed. But I can't push him too hard or he could run. He has limited phone access and limited internet access.
Feeling like the biggest idiot and totally naive and in this way too deep. He just isn't the kid I thought he was and I guess that's why I feel so broken over it all.
5 Replies
Is your foster son seeing a pshycologist? That would be the first place to start. IMO it should be mandatory for all foster kids with hard backgrounds.
Secondly, your hubby is right - EXCEPT for the no remorse bit. Most teenagers would feel guilt or shame.
Thirdly, change your tactics on questioning and communication. Dont completly box him in...
Say things like "I know where you were, and I know who you were with. This has upset me that you have lied to me. I have been trying to be open with you, is there something I could do differently? Why did you feel the need to lie?" If there are more lies you notice, I would use this tact " I know your still lying. Dont. Its time to come clean. Lying is just making this situation even worse. The more you lie the more consequences. "
Also, out of control party you would never agreed to...set boundaries. I personally would of said yes to going. but no alcohol, and Ill pick you up at 10. If you have had any alchocol you will not be allowed to go at all. If the party gets out of control, you call me immediatly to pick you up. And DELETE the second fb account. NOW.
If he is handling the parties well, then let them continue on a monitored basis, like as long as he has behaved, school work is done, he has helped with housework. By letting him go, your giving him a sense of responsibility and by setting boundaries your showing him he can earn your trust back.
Good Luck.
I'm wondering what support your getting from the agency you are fostering through? Also I would be seeking advice from a psychologist. Psychology is rarely about discussing your emotions it's about how to achieve behaviour change and a psychologist can help you with strategies. But my first port of call would be contacting the agency as they should be giving you on going support.
He sounds like a typical teenager to me :-) I know it's hard, I can't even imagine what I put my mum through. Hugs to you mumma!
It sounds as though he is testing to see how far he can push before you give up on him- all he has possibly ever known is people who were supposed to love him and care for him giving up when things got hard. We had similar with the teenager in our care. Her whole life she was shipped between foster homes and her mum, and when things got too hard she was moved on again. Her way of testing us was to do everything in her power to make us do the same, its all she had ever known. But to her shock and surprise, we didnt give up. We provided support, love and acceptance and it took a while- several years- but she finally realised there are people who genuinely love her and want her. Once she realised we weren't going to give up, she settled. These kids have probably never had a positive, loving, stable home. They have their walls built up so high as a coping mechanism and find it difficult to trust because they have been let down so much before.
Its damn hard, but know you are doing a wonderful thing. It will take time, and a lot of patience and yes there will be hard times. Its even harder when your own kids are involved. We had 3 of our babies while foster daughter lived with us. She lashed out when each was born- to her it was like she was slowly being pushed out which in reality wasnt the case at all. There may also be some jealous of the baby, he sees this baby with everything he never had.
He isn't a bad kid, it just sounds like he is trying to test you. There is a saying, "kids need your love most when they least deserve it", and it really sounds as though he is doing it as way of gaining your attention.
Good luck IM.
My Husband works with teenagers who are looked after by the state, who didn't have foster parents to go to....they cut themselves, shove glass in places you couldn't imagine, don't shower and are in and out of the court system so much they loose context and respect for the justice system. They can't hold down jobs and scream swear words at him all day while he tries to help them. Firstly .... YOU ARE AMAZING! You have already done your son a miracle. Thank you on behalf of the community!.... take some time, set a consequence for his actions, see them through, then let it go. This is not who he is, he just fell a little, call him to get back up again. Teaching him how to get back up again after a fall will possibly be one of the best lessons you can teach him in life. Keep believing in him to be the boy you know him to be, to have someone who believes in you is the most amazing thing in the world :) Ps, your wonderful husband is also wonderfully right and your son is so so so so so so very lucky to have someone who can get shattered over him.