At 17 weeks mum had to race me to the hospital. The shooting pains in my uterus were so severe I could barely walk. They placed me in the birth suite and left me there for what seemed like hours. Eventually the pains stopped and they sent me home.
Life went back to normal for a while, until one night when I was 23 weeks pregnant, I started to have contractions. “I’m contracting” I said to my husband. “How do you know?” he asked. “I just know it’s happening - we need to get to the hospital”…
When we finally arrive at the hospital, the midwives answer my deepest fear. "Yes, you are contracting…How many weeks are you?" My weak voice answers. “23.” "Ohh" they say whilst exchanging looks. “Can you give me a needle or something to stop the contractions?” the words rush out of my mouth... Once again they exchange sad looks. "No Darling…There is nothing we can do" “What do you mean ‘nothing you can do’?” I pleaded, “You must be able to do something!" They just stared back at me with this sad look...
Once again I was left in the birth suite. A couple of hours later the contractions just stopped. This went on for 2 days – and those 2 days were living hell – the contractions would start - then stop. I never thought I would give birth to my beautiful baby boy; I could feel him kick and move around and knew he was so healthy. Thoughts like “Why is this happening……” “Why me…….” “What did I do to deserve this?” kept on whirling though my mind.
On my third day in the hospital the contractions got worse - and they were now every 2 minutes. A midwife came to me and told me that they were taking me to the birth suite again. "Why" I ask. “Oh… We just need to check everything out…"
Still, after all this time I believed I would get through this. He would be born full term with no complications. But I could not have been more wrong. They wheeled me to the birth suite with my husband by my side. We walked past a bunch of nurses - their conversation hushed as we walked past and they all turned to look at me with eyes full of pity. “Does someone know something I don't?” I asked myself.
When I arrived at the birth suite, I was greeted by my acupuncturist who had come to give me a session – yet another person with sad eyes. “Stop looking at me with these sad eyes,” I thought to myself. “I will get through this - I will show you all.....”
She finished her session and left, when the doctor arrived. "I'm just going to do an internal” she said as she nervously pulled on her gloves. Afterwards she looked at me sadly and said, “You’re 1 centimetre dilated - you will probably give birth tonight"
“No, no, no, no, no, no!” I cry. I turn to look at my husband and tears are streaming down his face. My mind is screaming, “What have we done to deserve this?”
A beautiful midwife walks into the room. She hugs me and places my hands in hers before saying,
You know… when he is born he will die.
My husband lets out this horrible sound. I turn to look at him. His face is torn - he looks as if someone just pulled out his heart. I turn back to her, crying and begging, "Won't you try to keep him? Can't we fly somewhere? I don't care how much it costs – he’s our baby - he is our baby!
I can barely breathe..... The room is spinning …. I feel as if outside the room looking in - this can't be me...
“Will he cry?” I ask. “Will he be alive when he is born?” “He may cry - it depends,” she says. It feels as though hours go by. The midwife then says, “Who do you want me to ring?” “My family,” I hear myself say.
They arrive - all of them. The night turned into day and they were still all there - every single one of them. After 16 hours of labour, I gave birth to my first baby, with my husband, brother, my sister, my mum, my dad, my mother-in-law and my sister- in-law, all by my side, all crying, all in shock. Wasn't this meant to be a happy time?
They handed him to me wrapped in a blanket. He was all warm. He was big. He looked like his Dad.
His eyes were closed and I thought he had passed. I turned him over. I wanted to see every part of him. I didn't know how long it would be until they took him away so I wanted to imprint every part of him into my brain - my baby boy, my first born.
He then gasped and moved. He took his very first and very last breath.
Till this day I regret that moment.
Why didn't I just cuddle him, hold him, skin to skin, close to my heart and sing a lullaby?
Leaving that hospital was the worst day of my life, I was leaving half of me there, he was my baby and I should have been taking him home not organising his funeral.
He was christened Titan Vallely. He would be 7 now. The day he died a part of me did too, but another part of me was born.. I was able to write - not the best writer by any means - but he did give me this gift and I thank him for that.
I am blessed I now have two beautiful children: Maya, his little sister was conceived a year later on his birthday – that exact day I believe he sent her to me…it was actually what got me through the pregnancy with her.. Her little brother, Tex, was born exactly 2.5 years after her. They are the joys of my life and make me who I am today - I love them more than anything in this world.
My husband whom I have been with since I was 16 was my rock through this, I don’t think I would have coped if it wasn’t for him. I love him dearly and he is the light at the end of my tunnel.
Thank you for reading Titan's story – it’s his journey that I feel honoured to have shared, I am so lucky he chose me to be his Mum…
I am not alone; there are thousands of families that have gone through the tragic loss of a baby. If you are one, comment below. I would love to hear from you.
Here is a website I would recommend for anyone suffering from miscarriage, still birth neonatal and infant death: www.sands.org.au
154 Replies
Kristy - what a way to enter the blogoshere!! BRAVO <standing ovation=""> I do know that sharing your pain can help soften it... a little. I also know that it never leaves; it just becomes quieter & softer over the years. Congratulations on how far you have come. So sad that the journey was brought about this way. The pain is a lonely place to live in. I have finally come to understand the old cliche, "a problem shared, is a problem halved". You did what every Mum does with their new baby, you imprinted every inch of him. You looked upon him, you smelt him, you love him. May you, your Rock, Titan, Maya & Tex continue on this journey with love & peace. (X).</standing>
WOW - What a beautiful msg... Thank You!!! yes your right - a problem shared is a problem is a problem halved.. and yes pain is a lonely place to live. Lucky I had so many people supporting me! I love your message - Thank you so much xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
thanks for sharing your story kristy I had tears in my eyes as I read it. It bought back memories of my experience.
I was 18 and just beginning my relationship with Damian when I found out I was pregnant. I wasn't too pleased at first (I already had 1 child), but not being a believer in terminations we decided to go ahead with the pregnancy.
Everything was going well, there was a strong heartbeat and I was just starting to feel flutterings of movement.
We went in for our 16 week check up, and our baby was growing and his heartbeat was healthy.
Only 3 weeks later, we had our 18-20 week ultrasound. We were excited to see our baby on the screen.
The sonographer took a long time looking at the screen and frowning, we knew something was up. She told us she had to go and get the doctor and would be right back.
Damian and i were really starting to get worried as this was not how my scan went with my first son.
The doctor came in, started doing the scan again, then turned to us and said "I'm sorry, there is no heartbeat. Your baby is dead"
From there it is a bit of a blur. I was booked in to hospital to induce labour the next day.
At the hospital they induced me, and after about 3hours Jamie was born.
The nurses took him away, and cleaned him up. They also dressed him in a specially made gown, and bought him back to us. We were able to hold him for as long as we wanted. Damian didn't hold him as it was too overwhelming for him.
When we left the hospital I felt the same as you, like I was leaving a part of me behind.
The enormity of what had happened hit Damian that night, and the thing he regretted was not holding his son.
We called the hospital and were able to go back in to hold Jamie again.
Through all of it, my mum was amazing, it really touched me seeing her holding my baby and talking to him.
Jamie would be eleven next month, and I still think about him all the time. We don't talk about it much. But every now and then I get out his memory box and look at his photos and tiny hand and foot prints.
Sorry for kinda taking over your wall, but it really does help to share and talk about it. Women need to know that these things happen, and it doesn't mean your a failure or have to feel guilty about it. It wasn't something we did wrong. Jamie had a chromosonal defect similar to down syndrome and if he had gone full term, he would have died within a year.
So sorry to hear Trace very very sad xx
Tracy I am sitting here bawling..... I am so sorry you had to endure this, your story has lots of similarities to mine!! We both have angels in Heaven they are there, your Jamie and my Titan they are with us everyday! Thank you for sharing your story!
Kristy xxxxx
Very touching story. Had my second baby 6 weeks ago and can't imagine what u must've gone through. Losing one of my boys would be the worst thing! Can't imagine surviving that! But I guess you do... Thank you for your courage...
Xxxx
Thankyou for sharing your beautiful words with us. My daughter who passed away at nearly 5 months of age will always remain my inspiration for everything I do. Hearing a doctor say the words "I think your daughter is dying" are words that will haunt me forever. She too remains the reason I write and studied to be a counsellor and parent educator. Whilst I don't always write about my daughter I am inspired to make parents enjoy their families and live their lives to the full as I am always endeavoring to do with the rest of my beautiful family.
What do I write in response to that... tears are streaming down my face, what an inspirational women you are! - I am so sorry that you had to hear those words... you now help so many other women deal with the things they have too and that was your gift from your daughter... Big Hugs Martine xxxx
I love you guys soo much you are the strongest most loving people I know. Titan will be in all our hearts forever. His cousins love him soo much. They quite often will get a helium balloon & send it up to him with cuddles & kisses inside. We love you soo much Titan!!! Lots of Love from your Aunty Shellie, Uncle Corey, & your cousins Blade, Jett & Eden. xxxxxooooo
Ohhh My beautiful.... thank you my darling you were there when he was born, he was lucky enough to meet his beautiful Aunty Shellie - Thank you my beautiful beautiful sister..
Wow I have tears in my eyes reading this, I have a close friend who has been through this, we were both expecting our babies at the same time but she went into labour at nearly 28 weeks and he only lived for 2 days before passing, and its hard to imagine that pain when you then go onto have a healthy baby boy.
All the best in your new blogging adventure, I look forward to reading along xx Kirsty
Oh no - how tragic I had a friend of mine that was pregnant at the same time also I think she still finds it hard.... I think in some way she feels guilty, but need not because I still gave birth to a beautiful boy. He just stayed for a short while.... xxx Give your friend a hug for me xxx
Thank you so much for sharing Kristy. I too shared my experience in the blogosphere of losing my baby boy: http://mylifestrangerthanficti...
It is definately one of the hardest experiences a mother can go through... giving birth knowing your baby will not be able to survive, it is incomprehensible. Writing about it is extremely cathartic and is also a legacy for your beautiful boy Titan. Big hugs x
Yes it was cathartic, it helped me a lot looking forward to reading yours xxx
You are so beautiful-thankyou for sharing ur story xx
Pleasure Nicole xx
Amazing of you to share this with the world.............my heart broke a little bit while i was reading your blog and then i cried for you and you husband.......There are no words i can think of that could console your family or help me truly understand how you felt.........beautifully written!!
Thank you Sam, your words do console me - Thanks xx
xx <3<3
xxxx <3
no words just tears , very brave and very beautiful .
We lost our third at 17 weeks, 5 hrs labour then in a blur of morphine and anesthetic i have no memories of it all ... felt like my heart was ripped out ... no little body to nurse , no sad goodbye kiss ... i wish i could have held and memorised every inch ... dont feel bad , feel blessed ,you did the perfect thing the right thing ...
we went on to have 2 more beautiful bubs despite the doctors saying it would not ever be so easy ... im blessed ,i know .
but 3 and a half yrs on and the tears are still close to the surface ... when my girls are older we will tell them about our angel ... but for now she is mine in my heart always ... to speak of it all still has me lost in tears ... to raw ... one day i will ...
i admire your bravery , honesty and openness .such a gift xxx
Thank You so much Aimee... I am just so sorry you never got to hold your baby that just breaks my heart... I am so blessed to have!!! xxxxx
Kristy-Wow your story is so heartbreakingingly sad but you are a inspiratoin to other mums out there telling your story on your blog for the world to see as private and sad a story as it is.MY heart bloeeds for you,but i know you will always remember your little Titan fondly and treasure the m oments you did have with him. Keep your chin up i'm sure little Titan is looking down on you now proud to be your son!! xxxx carly
Thank you so much Carly! - That means so much, you know that is something I needed to hear... I really want him to be proud of me.... This is his story!
I just read your blog kristy. It touched me very deeply. I lost my baby at 14 weeks. It was very traumatic for me. I had no support from family and felt like the hospital did not care. I started bleeding. Went to hospital and it stopped. Only to start again at home. I went back again that weekend. Had a scan and saw my baby for the first time. The assured me everything was going to be ok. Later that Monday I had more bleeding. I wentback again and they did another scan and to my shock horror there was nothing on the screen. My stomach to this day has never gotten over that feeling that overcame me. My baby was due on mothers day. The staff just told me I was not pregnant anymore and just sent me home. Mine does not compare to what you went through but I do feel the loss everyday and not a day goes by that I don't think about that baby. What it would of looked like or what colour hair it would have now. A part of me did die with that baby. It not something any parent or expectant parent should ever face
Jennay - I am so sorry for your loss, it does compare - that was your baby!! I am just so sorry that you had to endure all of this on your own. I think sometimes hospital staff are so used to seeing and experiencing these things that it's just another mother who has lost her baby.... Don't worry this happened to me also, on a visit back to the hospital a midwife pulled out my folder and Titan's photos fell out. She just shoved them back in there.. like they were nothing. Although in saying that most of the midwifes were truly beautiful.. Our babies are with us Jennay - we can't touch them but they are there... xxxxx
I am sooo sorry that this happened to you, as i write this comment i have tears running down my face. i had 5 miscarriages in a row but i never got pass 12 weeks, i could never go through what you have gone through.
Oh my love 5 miscarriages... how so so sad ...... I can offer some advice, I contracted with my next 2 babies through out the pregnancies, so I sort out alternative health, I had Acupuncture every week. I believe that's the reason I have them, apparently my body runs too hot. I wish you all of the luck in the world!! Kristy xxxxx
I shed a few big sploshy tears reading this Kristy...4 miscarriages (10/12 week mark) for me and one healthy gorgeous perfect son now age 19 (who I also almost lost when I was just under 7 weeks pregnant). This mumma hen's heart can very much relate to your pain. I never had lofty career aspirations and dreamed of 3-4 children. I am however a cup half full gal (never half empty) and feel so blessed to have experienced pregnancy, c sect birth, breast feeding for a year and all that motherhood has entailed over the years. I am also a step mum (child of my heart who is the same age as my son) since she was 7.
You are very brave to share your story! Beautifully written. x
Thanks Darlin xx
I'm glad you came to share this story here and have received such amazing support. Your writing is beautiful... it's not often you read something by someone you don't know and yet feel your heart breaking for them like it was happening right now. I'm so sorry for your loss, but thankful to hear that you have two wonderful children now and one waiting to meet you in heaven.
Thank you Kristi - you helped me start my journey and I would like to thank you for that, I appreciate your kind words.... you don't know just how much!!!! Kristy xxxx
What a beautiful, bittersweet story ~ you are a strong, courageous woman to share your most private moments so candidly. When I miscarried, I didn't want to talk to anyone about it. My husband and I eventually divorced - for other reasons, or so I thought; but I often wonder how much of a role this experience played in it, when I look back. Losing a child changes people...
Ten years later, I was dating my current husband, and we were blessed with a wonderful surprise: a baby. I was SO excited -- and SICK! Every single day of that pregancy. But other than that, healthy, until he was about 3, and we realized something wasn't quite right. When I found out my son, whom I had waited my whole life for, was on the autism spectrum, I wondered the same things - why me? I cried for days on end - it was devastating. I went through a period of time where I felt sorry for myself. i still do, of course, from time to time! Then one day, I realized how wonderful he still was, that he was the same child who I adored and loved unconditionally. He was my baby, and he was who he was.
That was four years ago; my baby is turning SEVEN this summer! And he is wonderful ~ sweet, loving and bright. He isn't "typical," but then neither am I! And his beautiful little baby brother has just turned four.
When I read stories like yours, I am reminded of how lucky and blessed I truly have been - and that I am not alone in my own grief. I believe God gave me an amazing opportunity with my first son, and I intend to fully realize that potential eventually... some days I think my son could be the one to show ME a thing or two! He truly is a gift, as are your babies - enjoy them!
Love to you and your family.
xo
Ohhh Janet your story gave me goose bumps... I'm so happy you shared. He was sent to you for a reason, he chose you to be his mum because you a perfect for him.... Xxxx
thank you so much for sharing your story. I suffered a miscarriage - 5 years ago this coming Christmas. Worst time of my life. It's not an easy subject to talk about, so I applaud you. I admire your strength.
Oh darl... How sad do you have any children now ?
I have never known the loss of a child, but have experienced great loss. My heart was breaking all over again reading your very raw account of such a tragic loss. The words you formed were amazing and you do indeed have a gift for writing given to you by your very special angel who lives on in your heart and other children. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you Jennifer those were such kind words, I really appreciate what you wrote xxx
Iam now an Imperfect Nanna, I too had an early miscarriage and as a midwife sat with many mothers of Angels. Sadly we are only recently realising what needs to happen in this grief process. There are no perfect mothers, we did the best we could with what we knew at the time. I am relieved and glad I was able to be a good midwife. You have amazing strength xx
Ohhh thanks Imperfect Nanna I'm sure you were an amazing midwife xxx
Thank you for sharing your story in such a brave, honest way. I too went through a similar thing. Our little girl, Isabelle was conceived via IVF and 20 weeks into the pregnancy we lost her when my cervix dilated and contractions started. Knowing that you're going to give birth to a baby that won't live and then having to go through that process is the deepest, darkest moment anyone can experience.
There are many stories of loss here and I know that we never really 'get over' what has happened to us. We carry the grief and the memory of our babies with us for the rest of our lives.
My husband too, was my rock throughout the whole experience. We have since gone on to adopt two amazing, incredible children who light up our lives. Isabelle remains with us however, and I will include Titan and all the other angels gone too soon in my prayers when I think of my little lost girl tonight.
Ohhh Nicole what a sad story... My heart breaks for you... I'm so happy your life is now full with two little people xxx
My beautiful daughter Logan was just 5 months when she was born. To this day the pain never goes away (Good Friday 2 years ago) even though I have other children. I felt the hardest thing after her death was that no one understood how I was feeling and that it was such a taboo subject. I am so happy you have written this.
Ohhh Shey... I'm glad I hoped it would open doors and it seems it has...
Thanks for sharing your story. So heartfelt and real. I have never experienced a miscarriage but I have many friends who have. There is nothing to say but just to give love and support.
Sending all that to you too, Kristy x
Pleasure Grace - Thanks for readingxx
Kristy, I 'm sorry for the loss of Titan, sorry you had to write this but thank you for sharing Titan's story . The more we share the more people can understand our grief and regrets.
Nothing prepares us for the separation that comes when we loss a child, so don't have regrets , you couldn't have known.
I too have 'regrets' because I didn;t know how long they would let me have ~Charlotte~.
Your post resonates with me too.
I lost my first born , a daughter, Charlotte (stillborn in Sept 2004 @26wks , she would be 7 this year too). She was conceived after 12yrs infertility.
"Leaving that hospital was the worst day of my life, I was leaving half of me there, he was my baby and I should have been taking him home not organising his funeral." Exactly !
Just 22 months later we walked out the same hosp doors leaving 6 day old twins in the special care nursery - very different circumstances but a flood of memories and tears (By the grace of God We took them home 2 wks later - now they are 5 ).
Weirdly similar... Titan was born in August 04 so we were both going through the same thing yet didn't know each other.... I'm covered in goosebumps... What a shame we couldnt have connected back then, but hey we have now. My daughter is 5 too! I have seen you on twitter... Will tweet you soon xxxx
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